Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Just Sara]

I watched a movie last night called 'Carol'. The lead role was played by Cate Blanchet; a lesbian relationship in the late 50's (I think)

What a beautifully masterful piece of viewing pleasure. Some may say it was slow and predictable, but for me, I hung on every word, scene and character. More definitive though was the most beautiful ending; love brings together hearts and courage of conviction. Very different to the norm of tragedy and separation.

The tender, yet strong characterisations of these women was inspirational; their trials of forbidden love.

The scenes of anticipation, love making and passion was breath taking to say the least. Cate Blanchet made me really believe her character as did Rooney Mara her romantic lover. Both women were nominated for Best Actress and Supporting Role for this movie and rightly so...

Watching was an emotional experience for me. Tissues were available which helped, then I drove around in my car for a while trying to shake off sadness and internal conflict. It did seem to get me back to reality, though my thoughts raced in bed. At 4am I took med's to sleep and escape monotonous personal scenes in my mind.

Yes...provocative and enticing; personally challenging to my core.

Sara xo​

[Cornstarch]

I thought about you the other day Dizzy when I heard about a 'club' for Bi women.

Not the sort of thing I should post on this forum, but do some Googling, it's in Sydney.

[Just Sara]

Thanks Corny;

I'll give it a look-see hun.

Sara xo (Diz)

[Cornstarch]

If you're not in Sydney,

it's nothing a plane, train or automobile can't sort out on your journey of discovery!

xx

[Just Sara]

It's an exclusive swingers club...not for me I'm afraid. Orgy style with young skinny girls. One clandestine moment is just around the corner darling CS.

Preparing...

Low today...heartbroken actually. This too shall pass.

Sara Conna...survivor extraordinaire...tender needy hugs xo

[Just Sara]

Thought I'd tuck myself away in this corner; not many visit.

Last post 1/2 hr ago hit hard..real hard. You know, I feel safer around a woman. Makes sense of course, God knows. I don't go out looking, but crave touch all the same. Men are alluring too, but..they hit so damn hard..

I'm learning how to be myself at long last. I don't like mind games, or those who aren't genuine and hide their real opinions and truth from me. Intent is relative. Being fooled, used, abused, agenda'd..to make 'them' feel in control. I'm not easy...I see and know..it'll take someone exceptional (or skillful)

Sometimes I don't want to go to bed because I have to get up in the morning. It's like that now..my bed has been a place of torture and triggers..sleep happens, I don't need med's anymore except for those rare times. My dreams are telling though.

This is useless! People deserve to read better words from me.

Going to bed...g'night

[Cornstarch]

Hey Sara,

its really hard finding sincere, authentic people, male and female. It's a horrible feeling when it dawns on you you've been used for whatever ego sport the user had as an agenda.

But they're definitely out there.

I guess it takes time to get to know someone and you'll always find fault because there isn't anyone that is perfect.

I can't remember what state or territory you are in but are there any local social groups you could join that are face to face.

[Just Sara]

Thanks for finding me hun;

It's not about social issues, it's me. Transitioning from survivor to authentic.

Geography? I'm near you; not far away I'd say. Central nsw yeah?

Am having peaks and lows, not a good sign I'm afraid..burnout. May curl up, hug a blanket and rest. You go deep Corn. Info hit home. Having flashbacks..too many rears to deal with..

I know you'll take care of things while I'm away..I love you my sweet;

S

[Cornstarch]

I'm so sorry Sara, I was certain you would have already read and absorbed Judith's work, and I had no intention or re-triggering anyone.

It's a powerful book, maybe don't read/re-read the whole thing. It had the same effect on me.......which was somewhere between a bang an explosion and a meltdown. I want to re-read it this summer.

It opened tidal waves of grief in me.

What is so cruel about childhood neglect and trauma is that what was once a poison, i.e.: relationships, is then the medicine and remedy.

I'm no longer on the Great Diving Range love. We sold up after nearing breaking point, and all the rows of Corn in my patch reside in Australia's most populous city now, including yours truly. What a shame you don't live near the ocean. But the stars are great out there. The Super Moon was this morning or tomorrow morning? Sometime anyway, may mess with energy centres a little.

You're doing what I do when my flashbacks go crazy which is bunker down. I feel so young when I'm there, and I guess I was.

There's no cheesy lesbian shows out at the moment that you can chill to which is disappointing. I still haven't watched the latest Orange Is The New Black, I'm such a dag, I see things 5 years after everyone else.

I hope you don't reach burnout and have face to face support out there

Take care

Corny xxxx

[Just Sara]

I'm sorry I missed this post Cornrow's;

I'm grateful for your empathy and advice. I did get thru things albeit slowly and gently. I do get now, that challenging myself to change from damaged child to functional and confident adult, is the pre cursor to triggers. This isn't a bad think of course; moving forward and developing my sense of self needs motivation. You've given that in spades darling.

I also want to thank you for persisting with my transition to woman lover; it excites and allures. My tendency to avoid 'real' situations though still lingers. I read some stuff you wrote re this today on another thread. Due to the Sexuality and Gender heading being removed, I'm now here in the Anxiety section. I'm disappointed with this. I still hope it's helpful for readers.

I wish I could be more explicit with this subject. Women are pretty good with being open/honest without the social poo-pooing attitude. But it is what it is, and this is after all a site for children as well.

I'm going to get off this site soon and explore some lesbian sites. Unfortunately, I've done this before and was overwhelmed with confusion and lack of guidance. There's probably the fear factor too. Fake it till you make it hey Corny?

On and upwards lovely...

Sara xoxo