Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Chris for your resources for Rainbow people that are coming out now.

Don't forget Dizzy that just because people don't want to post they are out there and all ears waiting to converse.

This may sound really odd but heaps of people, myself included, forget that they are gay.

It feels so long ago when all these emotions were coming up that we have to go down into the basement carpark to dig up all the memories of that time, so we can give you good advice and not just come off as a wally that doesn't care.

I literally forget. I had a shaved head for many many years and I was working in an environment that in theory should be progressive and looking back now was desperately conservative. There was this one manager that when-ever he used to walk past me he'd always give me this look that went:

"I just don't know what to make of that".

It was moments like that reminded me - "Oh yeah, I'm gay!"

We just forget.

Good luck and have fun while out there.

[Just Sara]

Hi Corn-dog!

Wow! Your posts have given me some relief and put a smile on my face. How grateful I am your insight and gracious response helped to ease my mind.

Giving me some personal info from your life made all the difference. Sometimes we tend to generalise with wonderful generic interpretations of our understandings and experiences, but the 'real' life stuff has its place too. (That's not to say generalised words don't have their place either. They can be beautiful) In my case it was just what I needed; thankyou.

Chris...Grateful for the link. I'll endeavour to give it a look-see when I have time.

Feeling so much better...Dizzy xoxo

[Grazee]

Hi Dizzy . . . it doesn't matter if you're male or female; we're all gay. I have some lesbian friends and know they go through the same problems and heartache that we males do. IT helps to pour your heart out on BB.Don't hold back just because you're a gay female; we want to hear from you because the bottom line is were all human.

[Cornstarch]

No worries Dizzy. Yeah it's so easy to over think stuff some days isn't it.

Don't sit at home thinking you're the last person on the planet to be coming to grips with it all, you've made it further than millions of people ever will.

I was listening to a Podcast recently and Ram Dass was being interviewed about all the experiences across his life span of trying to help people. He's done hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of retreats with thousands of people over decades. I can't remember who was interviewing him. It may have been Tami Simon from Sounds True (Look her up Dizzy, she's not really my type physically but her voice is like H_O_N_E_Y. Listen to her voice. H_O_N_E_Y I say. Very relaxing).

Who-ever it was the interviewer asked:

"out of ALL of life issues, out of ALL of life complexities: death, loss, birth, fear, illness, ambition, disappointment etc, etc etc - what is the ONE re-current theme that is the MOST grappled with for the most amount of people that causes them the most inner torment that they cannot reconcile?

Guess what Ram said?

SEXUALITY.

Ram's very open and fluid with his. I don't think he has ever subscribed to either side. You don't have to either. It's your sexuality. I'm %100 lesbian but if you weren't I'd never make you feel like a pariah. Anyone that makes you feel like a pariah while you juggle such a complex history just get rid of them. There's so many other nice, inclusive, non-threatening people to hang with.

If Aussie online lesbian dating websites are too overwhelming why don't you go international? No expectations that way. Just curiosity. Then you approach people as potential mates to converse with because of the distance, instead of overwhelming your nervous system hoping they are "the one".

Just a thought.

[Cornstarch]

That's exactly right Grazee.

We're all the same.

[Just Sara]

Hi Grazee;

Isn't is true though! Thanks for taking the time to post, I appreciate your support. I hope all is well with you. We share this planet and all issues relative to a human 'being'.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

Hi Corny;

Sexuality eh? And sex yeah?

It reminds me of someone I had coffee with earlier on. When I have a relationship with someone, the expectation is they're genuine, honest and open. The promise of things to come and priorities for instance have to be discussed, even debated if necessary. Communication is everything. If I open up something really important for dialog, and they don't have the courage to give up their secrets even after being caught, it doesn't matter how liberal or forgiving I am. It isn't about my efforts; it's about their cowardliness.

Sex, although very important is only a portion of the experience. But in saying this, if that experience turns out to be disappointing, awkward and very unpleasant over a long period without change, it could be taken into account.

There are some who charm and excite with promises of things to come, who in fact are using a strategy to just get a foot in the door. Then bit by bit, they take everything and turn it into garage, sorry...garbage. So when the dust settles, it's actually about what they offer in terms of 'investment'. Is this person a long term investment (marriage or de-facto) or are they only good for short term dividends (sex buddies for instance)? Sometimes unfortunately, it turns out to be neither and too high maintenance; a 'poor performer'.

Actually, short term dividends were never offered. Hmm...

HONEY you say Corn-dog...Not just honey, but H-O-N-E-Y lol. May have to give her a look-see. By the way, I had a honey once...not too sweet at all. More like vinegar.

Listen to me eh...talk about a woman scorned!

Anyway, nice chatting. I think somehow I needed it tonight.

Cheers...Dizzy xo

[Paul]

You're the best CB

[Cornstarch]

That’s Ok Dizzy we all need a stream of consciousness blank page at times to bounce ideas off.

With your life experiences it’s completely natural to be a little anxious yet excited to get out there and explore. You’re torn, you want to explore and be excited but you don’t want to fall for someone who ends up to be a self-absorbed manipulative narcissist.

Lesbians are notorious for doing the 10/10. Ten minutes to get together and ten years to break up. They don’t take the time to get to know one another before launching in too fast head-first and co-habit that day!

That said though they are also famous for rolling from one reactive attachment to the next with their friends. As soon as they sniff danger in their current relationship they’ll starting g-ing up a mate, then, if
they do get together immediately, sure enough 18 months later they will whinge, moan and complain as to why the intimacy became stale ‘so fast’. Gee I wonder.

You sound like you are very self-aware and aware of the games people can play. Everyone on the planet has fallen for someone that has made them feel like a sucker. I suppose that just comes with the territory, you can’t control who you like. We just like people – it’s called attraction. I guess you have to balance getting out there and having fun alongside of your mental well-being.

Sincere and authentic people are out there. What’s really hard to watch is when they are dating an absolute selfish moron and not us! Why do the really good people date people that are horrible. Strange psychology going on there.

[Just Sara]

Your insight Corny is spectacular!

Some key words you used hit the proverbial nail on the head. The point I was making last night, is that gender and sexuality has little to do with the games people play. Using love and sex as weapons or tools for a sadomasochistic nature isn't about gender. It's a lack of character, empathy and courage. Self absorption and narcissism...yeah, as you say is a Molotov cocktail for good people trying to form quality relationships. All I can say is; these people end up alone, poor, with nothing of value in their lives and die pissed off with a world they blame for their inability to give.

Your description of lesbian behaviour isn't quite what I expected. I'm too old to play those types of games. It seems frivolous and a bit desperate. I'd hope my radar is better equipped to deal with character flaws and abusive intent before I commit to anything. My last relationship taught me that. 'Image' can be a trap; but the signs are there all the same so having the choice to stay or leave is the ultimate power.

As I said over coffee yesterday, if you're going to play a game, make sure it's your own game strategically and not theirs. Any sporting coach will say this. But that's only if you engage. Trying to win at any cost in a relationship has dire consequences. Conflict resolution tells us...a win-win outcome is always preferred. Open and honest dialog and a willingness to find common ground is the only way forward.

I want to thankyou Corny for sticking with me. Your experiences and insight into my situation with both mental health and sexuality has been so helpful. It's opened me up to the reality of where I'm headed and what my life goals are.

The necessity to become more self absorbed (I mean this in a good way) and self focused, is now evident thanks to yesterday's conversation and this thread. I want to invest in 'me'; stop pushing down my greatness and allow myself to shine. And one day someone will come along that matches my wonderful qualities.

But for now, it's an adventure...self discovery with a fighting spirit. Feeling good enough for me, not them.

I've loved having an opportunity to 'shed'.

Warm wishes...Dizzy xoxo