Unsure about depression

[anie21]

Hi everyone,

I am a 21 years old and having been dealing with my low moods for about three years now. I am an unsure as to whether I have depression or anxiety, because I think I refuse to believe that I would have it, or maybe I am just over reacting? 

 Anyway, growing up I was always a happy kid, who never cried and always was smiling, (despite having a bit of a rough childhood) and I always was active, attentive in school and had lots of good friends. However after I finished high school I fell into this black area where I just started crying at every little instance...I am assuming I was all miserable because I had left school and felt lost and scared about going to uni etc. First year uni went smoothly, it was when I started second year was when it went down hill. I went overseas for two and a bit months and put on a bit of weight (keep in mind growing up I had major self-esteem issues) and so when I returned in the summer I just felt so fat and hideous. This is when I really started to hate myself. I know how it feels to have an off day about how you feel you look etc, but this feeling of hate and sadness was something I had never experienced before. The following year since my return was a roller coaster of wild emotions. I just felt so worthless, I would go out a lot (drink and party) to subside any emotional pain, but I just feel so bad about who I was. I did start exercising again, so my holiday weight did drop off, but during the time of hate I started self-harming. Not in an attention seeking way...just it was a way to cope with the pain/hurt/anger. Anyway, this year I have been feeling the same...not about my looks this time, but just life in general..even though I shouldn't be. I have a great life: I've got one degree and now onto my second doing what I love, got a great group of friends, good family, boyfriend, etc. but still I feel empty and worthless. Maybe it's just the stress of uni? But this past month I have been all over the place and feeling pretty down and crying all the time, and as I said, I hardly ever cry. It feels like that dark place I was about a year ago. Sorry about this post being a bit all over the place too, I guess because my thoughts are a bit scattered! But it feels good to write. 

I guess, is it worth going to see a doctor about how I am feeling? 

Thanks for reading 🙂 

[JessF]

Hello anie, the short answer is yes. I am very concerned that you didnt go to see a doctor back when you were harming yourself, are you still feeling like this now? It's not 'attention seeking' to have those horrible feelings, as you say it's a way to cope with pain and hurt, albeit a very dangerous one potentially. As you say you have good supports around right now and feel that life should be where you want it to be, this is all the more reason to talk to a professional before things get out of hand.  It's possible you are still carrying a lot of baggage about your self-esteem and self-worth from earlier in your life that you have never worked through properly.  UIt sounds like you are the sort of person who keeps her problems to herself, would that be fair to say?

[Neil_1]

Hi Anie  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming and providing your post.  Doing so can often bring up a range of emotions for the poster;  from being nervous and anxious through to it being like a bit of a ‘lifter’ of sorts – where it feels good to get things, perhaps off your chest and written down.  I’m gathering from what you’ve written you’d be in the 2nd category.  So again, well done on doing this.  

Depression can strike anyone at anytime and it doesn’t discriminate in any form either – it’ll attach to you if you’re poor or if you’re filthy rich (I wish), whether you’ve got a great family life or a family that’s torn in two, whether you’ve got a job or don’t have one – I won’t go on, cause I reckon you’re understanding a bit about this evil illness.  

You’ve asked should you get along to a GP and get things checked out – that is a very good call – and yes, I fully support you doing this.  Now, just in case you don’t have a GP who you’d feel ok at going to see, on this website, Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s that can be searched for and hopefully you’ll be able to find one in your local area. 

The thing with these GP’s is that they are all fully qualified in being able to deal with mental health issues – and from that, they will be very experienced in being able to possibly refer you on to a psychologist if they think it necessary and/or possibly prescribe you on to medication, again if they determine this might be a good way forward for you.  

 So yes, I hope that you can do that and it would be great to hear back from you – if you’ve got any further questions or to even let us know how you get on.  

It is pleasing to read though that you’re doing well at Uni (keep on with that and I hope you continue to prosper there) and also great to hear you’ve got a good array of friends, a good family and your boyfriend as well.  All very good sources of support – if you so need them to be that way.  

Hey, I’ve just noticed that Jess has written to you – a very wise lady, and she can say things so much more succinctly than I can – what would take Jess probably one sentence to say, for me to say the same thing would be a couple of para’s – easy.  

Cheers  

 Neil

[anie21]

Hi Jess, 
Thanks for your reply. Yes, over the past month I have been up and down (really weepy, lack of motivation, easily irritated) and today I just had a meltdown, which unfortunately led to me hurt myself. I never really thought about that - that perhaps I am still carrying baggage from earlier years. One of the issues from my childhood is a somewhat recurrent issue in my life still and so maybe it would benefit me to talk to someone. You are correct, I do keep everything to myself. I am in no way a sharer, so I basically bottle everything up and just grin and deal with it. I just don't really know who to turn to as such. Thanks again! 

[anie21]

Thanks Neil.
Both you and Jess have given me some valuable guidance! I've done a search for GPs, I have a questions though. Is it preferable that I go to a GP or clinical psychologist? Because the listing gave a few options of that types of professionals available to go and see. 
Thanks again for your message, I think I will go and see a GP! 

[Neil_1]

Dear Anie,

Thanx for your kind reply back to us - and my first thought would be to get to the GP first.  From there, he/she would be able to refer you to an appropriate psychologist.

That's awesome that you've gone and done that.  Well done, that's really positive stuff.

And yes, I read where you tend to bottle things up - and yep, that ain't a good thing - because it just builds up inside more and more pressure and sometimes being bottled up so long, it CAN be difficult to release - and to be able to let go and get it out.

But I have good vibes from you now - I can see positiveness - this will take time of course, but I can see you making good steps forward.

And please, if you'd like to, please keep us posted with how you're doing OR simply if you have any further questions about anything.

Kind regards

Neil