Trying to be strong for everyone else

[Gemini05]

I believe that I am a hard nut to crack sometimes. I find it hard to open up to people and let them see the real me. Sometimes I think it comes down to the fact that I want to be strong for everyone in my life. My sister has aniexty and my mother has had mental health issues all her life. My best friend has bulimia and there is a long history of depression in the family. I'm surrounded by people with mental health issues. It makes it hard for me because I've always been perceived as the tough, outspoken and outgoing person of my family I feel like I constantly have this image I need to keep up with, but deep down inside I've never been so unhappy. I feel like it's so hard to open up to people about the way I feel, some nights it's so bad I cry myself to sleep. I guess I've always been the person who helps, cares and supports everyone else going through tough times. I feel like everyone around me expects and needs me to be their rock and I feel like if I was to break down I would just be a burden on them. I guess that's why I'm writing this on a foraum because I don't have anyone else to talk to. I never felt more lonely and hopeless in my whole entire life, I try to remember the last time I felt happy and It breaks my heart because I can't think of a single time in the last 3 years I felt like myself. I wish I could go back in time to when I was a kid I use to be full of happiness. This last year has been the worst year of my life I've lost all my friends from school, I failed at uni so I left and I've just been working, I gained so much weight, I hate looking at myself in the mirror because the person staring back at me I hardly recognise. I've never had a decent relationship any guy I've ever been slightly interested in have always rejected me. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a deep hole trying to climb my way back up to the surface, I binge eat to make myself feel better but then instantly feel regretful, and the whole time I'm feeling like this I'm being everyone else's rock and putting on a smile. I just don't know if I'll ever be happy ever again. I'm not sure how to talk to anyone about it because I've tried in the past and just can't seem to open up about how I feel or find the right words.

[JessF]

Hello Gemini05, welcome here and well done on finding the right words to express yourself here. You sound like a very caring person who puts a lot of thought and time into helping others, perhaps at the expense of yourself. Things aren't where you'd like them to be, with losing friends, failing uni, being unlucky in love, and being unhappy with your weight.

You know it can be quite common for people who throw themselves so much into supporting others that their own needs take a back seat and suffer as a result. Is this perhaps what has happened with you?

You've mentioned many things that you are unhappy with, and it sounds like they've all spiralled to the point where it feels overwhelming andyou can't see a light at the end ofthe tunnel. Trying to tackle everything at once will seem too much.

Can you think of just one person in your life that you can reach out and say, things aren't ok?

[quirkywords]

Gemini,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

You have put so much time and effort into helping other people that it seems to have drained you.

It can be so hard putting on a mask and pretending top be the happy out going one when deep down you feel so unhappy.

Have you ever told your family how you really feel. Taking on all caring and dealing with everyone else's emotion has been very hard in you.

Do you like your work and is there someone at work you can talk to.?

Have you spoken to a GP or a counsellor over how you are feeling?

There is that expression, who cares for carers? Someone needs to care for you, and it may have to be you.

Is there someone in your family, maybe your dad or an aunt that may understand what a toll being strong for everyone else hast taken on you.

You are such a kind and caring person and you now need to care for yourself.

Thanks again for taking the step to tell us honestly about your feelings.

Quirky

[Rae18]

Hi Gemini,

Just know that you aren't alone and that by reaching out you'll find that many people in the world feel like this. When I was reading your story I thought I was reading my own. My mother has mental illness since forever and I feel like I've had to protect my siblings. The only friends I've ever had were ones that were dealing with serious issues and in which I would be there rock even though I was this broken person inside walking by myself everyday. School was an empty shell that I would go to but yet it was my safe place because home was just as bad.

I also have binge eating disorder. I haven't been able to help this. What I have done though is drank a lot of water. Because I eat a lot I won't drink anything but water so it helps in little ways.