Dear diary this is me

[Swift]

I have never done this before. I owmed a few diaries over my time but they were about my day not about myself.

As of late I am noticing my bad traits. My reflex to lie to new people I meet in order to improve my image or story telling. My lust for sex and enjoyment in flirting whilst being in a relationship and my general disorganization at home.

I am in my early 20s and my life has been quite a ride since I can remember. I never had a father and I was bullied throughout high school even by people I considered friends. I didnt really know what it was. I got over it by fighting back. I kicked their asses for waht I thought they deserved. Why are you treating me badly physcially and mentally when I did nothing to you. My mum was never as angry as I thought she would be when I got suspended for hittong someone who bullied me. She was proud but also told me their are other ways. Looking back I really enjoyed primary school and although highschool was a challenge and intense at times Im glad I got through it.

In year 9 (13yrsold) my school counseler asked me if I had considered I might have depression. I cried a lot all the time and O was lonely. I was scared when she told me it might he a possibility. I ignored it and focused on making friends. From then until I was 19 I never felt depressed again.

What came after highschool was like another life. Everythong i had worked hard for I lost within a year and a half. I graduated with poor grades but I had a dream to be a personal trainer. I did really well over the summer in the study and I graduated at the top of my class. Sadly I fell into a poorly organised contract with a gym. I took advice to get a second job. I did and it was fun. My first hospitality job. Then I met a guy who had an aura about him. I wanted to be his friend. We went out to clubs every friday. I did MDMA for the first time with him and some people he knew. I loved ot at the time. He ended up being a fake friend. I lost my job because I was always late or hangover. I was unemployed for 4 months following. Everyday I played games and smoked. I womdered if the MDMA had changed how my brain worked forever. I met a girl who was so unique and so attracrive. We casually saw each other for 6 months. She encouraged me to get a job along with my mums friends support. We went well for a while she knew of this bad friend and kept me in order and disciplined. Her discipline later turned into a control complex I would say and she made me feel pressured.

[Swift]

Seems I got lost in the details.

Anyway she became abusive and hit me. My mum said I deserved better. I was single for a while and I fell back into being directionless. I loved the parties and all the women but I knew it was skin deep. I am now in a relationship of just over a year, still in hospitality (manager yay!) and I have great friends. I really love this woman but sometimes I feel I dont show it enough. Yet I crave the flirting with other women I meet. I hate it I shoudlnt be like this and I know its wrong. Im just worried my cycle my continue if I dont focus. I will lust to become single again and fall into the trap of losing direction. I guess women have really helped me. My mum was to kind to discipline me hard and I didnt have a father either so my room is messy and its hard to get up in the morning. I get obsessed with a number of things at a time (tv show, celebrity, album) and then quickly move on. Music and movies make me cry easily and I do everything with all my energy and passion or I dont do it. I love hard but I feel my fuse is short. I feel like my life is sprints then rest but the rest is sadness and boring. But I love the sprints. I love life I really do.

But overthink all the time I am always stressed and I feel gloomy now and then but not as much as I used to.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can control or soften my want for instant gratification and work on my bad traits?

I dont want to be a bad guy I want to be proud of myself in 10 years.

Thank you for reading.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Swift;

It's great you've taken time to post on BeyondBlue and let us know about your life. It also takes courage and commitment, so well done. You seem a bright and intelligent young man, and have good things happening in your world like a long term relationship, a good mum and a great job.

You've provided a type of running sheet of your last 5 or so yrs, and maybe look to us for guidance. It'd be nice if you could elaborate on what it is you want to achieve by being on here.

You've said you need help addressing what you describe as instant gratification, and call yourself a bad guy. (?) You've also stated you feel stressed and gloomy at times. You've asked for help with your bad traits, but I'm not quite sure what they are as you haven't really identified them except to say you tend to lie sometimes, flirt too much and overthink things. How am I doing?

Are you wanting to connect with other young people, or an older person to mentor you and help you understand what it is you're feeling? There seems to be some confusion there.

I know there are a lot of questions here, but for me to support you in finding balance in your life, I need to understand what it is you want. Does this make sense to you?

If you're not sure how to go about responding, please read around the sections and threads to help you get a sense of how others write and express themselves. There's a social section for something more light hearted too.

We're not professionals Swift; we're sufferers of anxiety and depression and are here to help people help themselves. I'm glad to have met you and look forward to reading more.

Take care and well done for posting on your first thread!

Kind thoughts;

Sez