Travelled to Australia for a girl and ended up losing a part of me in her, finding it hard to decided what to do next, my story.

[The_Deej]

I'll give you the rundown on what has happened thus far and I'm basically looking for advice. I think I already know the answer in my own head it's just I'm having a real hard time following through with it. Ok So last year in the Summer I was working in Portugal where I met a girl called Lucy. We hit it off and ended up staying together for a month before she went back to Australia and I went off to work in Germany for a bit then back to England. We kept in touch ever since we left eachother and spoke everyday. My initial plan was that I was going to go over to Australia and meet her but I was very undecided as the majority of my friends were going to do a ski season in France. I decided on France but when I mentioned this to Lucy she was very upset which made me change my mind. I've never been in a relationship properly before and I thought, here is a girl that truly likes me and I'm not willing to go over and give it a chance? So I changed my mind and booked my flights to Australia.

 I arrived in January and things were good for a good couple of months. I initially was going to stay with her for a couple of weeks then find my own place but she ended up asking me to stay. I felt very attached to her and she was pretty much my only friend in Australia. I eventually got a job and got settled but things began taking a turn for the worst after a couple of months when we stopped having sex and things just seemed weird. I spoke to her about it and it turned out she felt like she couldn't live her life and do the things she wanted because i was always there. So I moved out and we stayed together and things got a bit better. However at this stage I had been having anxiety attacks quite regularly ( convinced i wasn't good enough for her, that she needed to find someone else) I moved out and after a couple of weeks but then had a breakdown in her car. This is when I began seeing a psychologist. I had always had the feeling of travelling but had been staying in Melbourne to be with her and not doing the things I wanted to do. Now at the moment i'm currently working but have been going through quite depressive stages and not wanting to work. I have thoughts about going home to england but think this would kill me and now it's getting to the stage where I don't know what to do. Do I leave for a while, try and find my old self again but risk losing her in the progress and possibly regretting it? Or do I stay and try and fight it but risk making myself unhappier?

[White_Rose]

Dear Deej

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for your story. I hope I can help you.

This is your first relationship you say and like most first romances the rules are not always clear. I say rules because both people are usually unsure of where everything is going, what to do about arguments, how much of yourself do you give to the other, are you supposed to give up friends etc. The list goes on.

One thing is certain however, you must be true to your own feelings. Living your life in a way that pleases the other rarely works. I'm not talking about stopping things that do you no good such as drinking too much, losing your temper and all the other undesirable traits. I mean giving up the things you enjoy and that make you the person you are.

So here you are in Oz and I hope enjoying your visit other than your girlfriend problems.Why do you feel you are not good enough for this girl?  She is obviously not ready for a serious relationship. She wants to go out and enjoy her life with friends doing all the things she has been used to. And that's OK.

What do you want? Are you ready to settle down? Or are you still exploring the world and all it has to offer? Holiday romances are great while they last but invariably collapse when everyone returns to 'normal' living.

You are obviously happy to go out and explore the world. Why not explore Oz while you are here. It's a great place and offers so much. You were uncertain about coming to Oz initially and preferred to go skiing with your friends. You changed your mind because Lucy wanted you to. So is she going to dictate the rest of your life?

Maybe it's time to call it quits and either tour Oz or return to the UK. I know it will be painful for a little while but it is surprising how much better you feel once you have made a decision. And to quote a cliche Out of sight, Out of mind. Once away from Lucy I suspect you will mend your heart quite quickly. Remember you survived without her before when you both left Portugal.

Maybe it's time to cut your losses and start a new adventure.

Regards

Mary

[geoff]

dear Deej, this is your first post so welcome on board.

I can only agree entirely with Mary, it's time to cut your losses and leave,

She stopped having sex because she (Lucy) wanted you to go, she wants other relationships and these too will come and go, and because what has happened so early in the relationship is a true indication that there is no future with her.

You can still be friends if you want, but this will fade away over time.

Go and enjoy your life, there are so many things for you to do, as you have mentioned in your post.

Over this period you will fall in and out of love many times. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello Deej

How are you going? I was hoping to hear from you again so that we can offer any other help or information to you. Would love to have a reply.

Mary

[melly06]

From the other side of the spectrum, I can kind of identify with Lucy in some ways, as well as identifying with you. I have travelled Europe on my own, and while staying in Sydney for what was supposed to be 3 months I met my now boyfriend, and he convinced me to stay here with him. I have severe anxiety and depression. 

 I am a really independent person, and I feel suffocated by being with my boyfriend all the time, although I love him so much. He doesn't understand why sometimes I would rather be by myself or with friends than with him. I am 21, and I'm assuming you're near the same age... And I think at our age it is important you have a strong social life outside of relationships as well. I think a focus for you should be making your own friends and social base in Australia (SO HARD TO DO)...

 If you want to take time to travel Australia, I really think you should do it! Even if it means you stay together or go on a break, the time and perspective may be what you both need to realise what is important to you. Plus, there's so much to see in Australia, and with the time I've spent with English Backpackers here it's a lot of fun! It could mean that you decide to go away on a month long trip up the east coast, then fly back to Melbourne for a while, before checkign Perth out for a few weeks etc. 

 I don't think relationships are anywhere near black and white, especially when depression is involved... You obviously waited for eachother while she was here and you were in England, absence may clear your eyes. Just an idea!!

Either way, best of luck to you! 

[melly06]

Oh - in regards to no sex - One of the key symptoms for women with depression is loss of libido. How is she doing in her head? Women have to be stimulated mentally before they can be stimulated physically, therefore if she is stressed or depressed or upset, she literally will not feel the same way "down there" as she did a few months ago. This could account for her draught... 

[The_Deej]

Hi Mary, I didn't realise this post had gone up, i'll do a big post explaining everything that has happened!

[The_Deej]

Hi guys, I didn't realise I had any replies. I thought the forum would email me but it didn't. Anyway so I've been going through a pretty low patch recently, like really low Kind of feel insane sometimes. Last friday I quit my job and then me and Lucy broke up. This basically happened after I was driving back from a gathering with her friends and went through a speed camera. I got a bit stressed out and Lucy comforted me. However when we turned up at hers I decided to ask her if she thought things between us were ok (I'd been thinking about breaking up with her and things were still a bit weird) she broke down in tears and there was my answer. We cuddled and stuff and left on good terms however my mistake was to break up with her for her as I didn't want my constant mood swings to upset her, however this left me in a terrible spot the next day and following days. I know it wouldn't of lasted with me in this current state but I just wish I could go through it with her there to help me through it. I will admit i have realised my mistake of trying to change myself and live to how I thought she expected me to be. She was never like that I just convinced myself i had to change. So after we broke  up the next day I was just so down, I could not get happy and have been like this ever since. It got to wednesday and in the morning i decided to pack my things and drive to Sydney. This was so freeing and felt great! I arrived in Sydney feeling like I had truly accomplished something. However yesterday I'm still feeling down and out of it and panicky. Today the same but not as bad. Yesterday I went to the doctors as I feel like it's gone too far and i need medical help, I've been prescribed antidperessant which will hopefully help.

I'm in a country half way across the world from my family, with no proper friends to turn to and sometimes going through this stuff is difficult. Trying to stay positive but sometimes all I want to do is go home. This isn't like me as I know there is so much to see in this beautiful country. In regards to Lucy we met up Tuesday after we broke up to talk things over, it was pretty sad and didn't feel real. She said she fell in love with me in Portugal but so much had changed and she had really tried to feel the same but just couldn't. One of her friends suffers from depression and she had a hard time dealing with that so dealing with me she couldn't cope. She doesn't want to be surrounded by people who bring her down which I suppose is fair!

[White_Rose]

Hello Deej

This web site does not generally notify anyone of their replies. I was sorry to read of your break-up with Lucy. I imagine it was very painful. All relationship break-ups are hard. I know some feel worse than others but there is always going to be a time of mourning and loss.

This separation has not stopped you moving on in Australia.  I'm not sure I would have the strength to pack up and go to another city, so pat yourself on the back that you can make decisions and move on.

You have learned a several valuable things. I don't mean to be coldly analytical, just to comment on a couple of positives.

1. You don't need to change the person you are to be acceptable and worthwhile.
2. You are aware of yourself and your feelings and you care about those around you.
3. You have great courage to travel to different places and keep your interest in the world going.

These are important attributes in life. You really do not need Lucy to help you through depression. If you are staying in Sydney and need some help, then go back to the GP who prescribed the ADs and ask for help.

I am in awe of how you can casually move around the world. Even at your age I could never have done this. Far too anxious. Take care of yourself and travel well. We are always here if you want to chat further.

Mary

[The_Deej]

Thankyou so much Mary. I am currently staying with a family in Sydney and while walking the dogs yesterday I told the mother about my current situation. She was extremely understanding and i feel much better now. I am still considering going home for a while to be surrounded by people i love and love me but at the moment i feel happy where I am. I have been meditiating for around 18 days now and feel like I'm starting to feel the benefits.

I am on medication which apparently makes symptoms worse before they get better so just going stick it out. Everything you said was true, ever since I was young and at school i never really thought I was good enough for girls. This was due to many failed potential relationships where I was trying to hard to make them my girlfriend. I always fall in love pretty quickly and sometimes i love people too much if that makes sense. I used to love myself a lot which worked in my favour, I loved myself and sometimes the feeling of not being good enough for a girl actually helped me get with said girl as I was always apprciative of the time we spent together. However now I've realised i need to stop giving myself such a hard time for every mistake I make and that I don't need to change who I am as a person. (even though I do think me changing is just a natural part of me growing up). Anyhow thanks for the advice, I am currently looking at selling my car as it's an inconvenice at the moment and maybe getting a job here in sydney, moving up to cairnes or going home for a few months (Ive put my family through a lot). I will be sure to let you know what my next move is!