too long.

[cristalm]

my name is Cristal ive been battling depression since I was 19 im now 25. From the ages of 18 to 21 I was in quite an abusive relationship he would lock me out of the house or throw my clothes in the front yard for me to pick up, this was just the beginning. As the relationship went on he started to get physical the occasional shove and even sometimes the odd slap. Things progressed from a slap to punch which coming from a male to quite a petite female would show no matter how hard I tried to hide it. I would go home from spending the weekend with him with a fat lip all because I wanted to do something not just stay home in a dingy smelly house. My mental health was spiralling out of control. I once was this carefree girl who was always smiling and full of confidence to this bare emotionless stranger, I had no idea who I had turned into. Since I ended it I have never been able to trust anyone, gender doesn't matter I just cant trust! I have sabotaged two relationships with a male who treated me nothing like my x did. But how can I get over it all? I have been seeing a psychologist for 12 months now and been taking anti depressents for 4 years and still nothing. is it something im doing wrong? im really at the end of it now and cant take much more.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Cristal,

You must have a lot of anxiety about what happened, what might happen again and generally trust overall.  You did really well to pull out of the abusive relationships - some women really don't have the support to leave partners like this.

Just for comparison - I have had two teenage kids move out this year and it's been surprisingly hard to change from a family of 5 to a family of 3.   Then one day I was told that this change can take up to 2 years to feel comfortable with.  And that's with normal kids going on to be positive and independant.   So, imagine how much longer it will take you to shake off or de-brief from such an intense abusive relationship ?  I don't think it's going to happen for a while.

You had no control between the age of 18 to 21.     They're pivotal years.   All I can suggest is that you keep up the counselling or maybe move out of this area as maybe locations are still triggering your anger and depression.  You gotta build up yourself, girl.   Do something spontaneous like dancing where partners vary and it's all socially policed and safe.  25 is way too young to be a self imposed spinster.

Adios, David.

[vip]

Hi Cristalm I am a suicide survivor and this unfortunate incident took place 3 years ago. I have the same issue as you I dont trust anyone at all in my life. I have a few friends who have stuck by me but then i have some who have verbally abused me and are no longer in my life. Sooo sorry for the incident that has happened to you nobody deserves to be treated like that. Glad to hear that you are on medication but also hope you are seeing a good psychologist as well who can help you through this. Just give it time is has taken me 3 years for recovery and I still have moments where i let my guard up with this trust issue. Dont worry so much about the male relationships just spend some time on your own to truly reflect on what has happened and give yourself time to heal. Female friendships they will come too even if you just meet or have 1 to help you along that is enough. You havent turned into anything you have just been diagnosed with depression an illness which is common and we all suffer with . Give it some more time and things will fall into place I know its very frustrating because I used to feel I would never get out of this mess . The mess finally ended for me and I have come out of all this much more stronger yes I still have those trust days and insecure ones but I definately have more happy ones than sad so hopefully this will happen for you also. Take care