How do I help my daughter who is very down

[Helenl]

We have a 19 Year old daughter at Uni in the city. She is very lonely and does not like Uni. She lives in a block of flats where no one talks to each other. Lately she has become even more withdrawn  and negative. She went to see a doctor for help about four weeks ago. He suggested meds or a counsellor. She has seen the counsellor three times but has not liked him much. The third visit was on Thursday did not go well. She won't give details of why but she does not like breathing exercises etc. she sounds very low to us and is not responding to our texts and talking in monosyllables when we ring. Please what do we do. She sees little point in anything.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Heleni,

Better to go to the University health facilities and see if your daughter can talk to a university counsellor.   If needs be they can then liaise with her Head of Department and calibrate different deadlines to accommodate her illness.

If she doesn't like the current 3 visit counsellor she can always try another one or ask for different exercises other than deep breathing.    My son just opted to take a semester off and the university were fine about it.   His depression just didn't fit with the studies.   It meant filling out some forms so that he wouldn't be charged for the last semester he stuffed up and yet doesn't get penalised when he returns.

Were there some problems with Centrelink and Youth Allowance ?  It's  a bit of a nightmare getting the correct student benefits these days, even those 80% of the application can be done on the internet.  The block of flats wouldn't help matters.

Speaking as a parent it seems too pressured to ask for details as to why the counsellor sucks.  Maybe just the fact that she made it 3 times before stumbling is OK.   A lot of counsellors will actually tell you not to worry or feel pressured to keep turning up if you don't want to.  This is more to do with the fact that they don't like to force people into counselliing.  It needs to be done when one is ready.

Even a monosyllable grunt is pretty good as a response from a 19 yr old.  For the time being.  Lol.

Adios, David.

[Mr_J]

Hello Helen,

 Sorry to hear about this. I'm going to ask three things.

1. Are you sure she even wants to be at University or is it you that wants her there?

2. Does she enjoy what she is studying?

3. Has she got many friends back where she lives with you?

 I just went through two years of university and i hated the course. I sat it through because i needed to finish it, I'd already quit too many other things in my life and the fear of embarrassment sore me finish it. But there were times when i seriously contemplated leaving it and more worse things than just quitting uni. If she's already a quiet person who likes to have her own space. Than staying at a uni isn't going to help. At boarding school it made my anxiety to make friends worse. In fact i hated people at that time and wanted nothing to do with people in general.

 If you're serious about wanting to help her, tell her university isn't the b all and end all of life. I finished uni but i could have gotten a job quite fine without it. I now run my own company which i could have done without uni. I planned to do it, but the social pressure made me commit to study.

 Life is short and your family is all you have at times. If she wants to travel, let her travel. If she wants to work at a job and just exist at this point in her life, than you need to let her. She needs to find her own feet and calls and texts won't help, cause she already hates uni.

 I'm sure everything will be better if she can have more time to figure what she wants out. The people at Beyond Blue are always here to help her and i don't mind talking to her either, non councilor advice, It's nice to talk to people that share the same feelings sometimes.

 Lastly you've got to be direct with her and ask her about her feelings. It's nice to have a parent ask how we really are.

 Best of luck

[geoff]

dear Helen, I'm sorry that your daughter seems to have depression, which stops people from wanting to communicate with family or friends because they believe that no one will listen to them.

There's no hope to open this communication if they are told that nothing is wrong and to get over it, or just move forward, and I'm not suggesting that any of this has happened, it's just thinking out aloud.

Depression closes the door for many, and many always wonder why the goodness they have this illness.

Sometimes there is no cause, while in contrast something bad could have happened to them which starts the ball rolling.

People won't necessarily divulge in telling you what has happened or why they have depression, and the more that we ask them the more they won't talk.

It's a fine and delicate line that we have to tread, and it seems as though your concern is justified as loving parents, and it's so sad for a young lady to have to go through this hardship that depression causes us.

Normally a person knows within one session and definitely by two session whether or not they click with their psych. and if this doesn't happen then seek other psych's, and probably a female psychologist would be better for her, if there is one available.

The problem sometimes with a male psych talking to a female patient can be frightening for her, so this develops a dominance, and this is absolutely not good, it's starts off on the wrong footing.

Would your daughter be willing to see a female psych with you present, or at least go with her and you can wait in the waiting rooms.

It's probably going to be a long road, it normally is for those of us who have or still have depression, and a young lady to have to suffer like this I can wish her and you the very best.

I take alot of notice for young people suffering with depression, and it's by no means fair at all for them. Please reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[twistnchurn]

Before resorting to more severe conclusions, it could be that she is just sad lately.. something might of happened in her personal life thats ricocheted into other areas. she might just need someone to pick her up on her feet again. I suggest get her friends together and do something outdoors, shopping or whatever. Or even you take her out knowing she will say no.
Get her in touch with herself again, bring her food she loves or do activities she enjoys.

Tux