I really don't know where to put this or who to ask.

[jadeblack]

Hi, I'm jade. 19yo, I have many problems that I can't work out, the internet hasn't helped me in the slightest. 

The crux of this all, is that I have no idea whats wrong with me, I'm struggling with testosterone poisoning and in perpetual terror that my centerlink support is going to drop out from under me. 

I will sleep, 10 or twelve hours and my partner cannot get me up when I fall asleep; I miss a lot of school this way. 

I spend my every moment either incredibly upset at something for little reason or simply morose about my lot in life. People talking to me can even set it off. The rest of the time I'm worried about some facet of my life, most often Centrelink or school... Which having started on the 15th of the 7th I've been to one lesson of a 5 day p/week course, having left at the end of the first lesson, having broken into a cold sweat 5 minutes in, yet managed to stay for it, at least. 

I'm seriously struggling with body dysphoria, intertwined with the need to mutilate myself, but I've been stopped by the presence of my partner, mostly. Out of fear of retribution. 

I'm having immense problems absorbing new information; people explain how to do things to me and It's as if I can't process the words properly. I listen to every thing they say carefully, but forget even the most simple of new tasks. 

I'm always moody and slightly upset with my partner, shes never done anything wrong to me. But I simply can't help it. 

I have no motivational ability, I need food, clean clothes, to call people on the phone... but I can't, I put off eating for days sometimes, just because it would mean going out to buy food, which, is currently the only thing I enjoy, leaving bed is even a chore now. 

The idea of simply picking up the telephone to talk to someone, fills me with anxiety, I put it off for months when I can, I've gone without power for 8 days just to avoid talking to the power company, until my fish started to die off and my partner did it for me. 

I have constant sexual desire, not always erect, but I am constantly fantasizing. Trying to relieve this makes my sadness so much worse, often triggering a want to commit suicide. it may have some inception in that; I last for very much less then a minute during intercourse. 

I used to adore video games, but now I play them not because they're fun, they make me feel worse but, if I don't log in and sit at my desk for people to speak with me, that I'm totally worthless, don't deserve anything, that I'm not getting anything done and that I'm hurting the people I talk to there. I try to quit, but I have panic attacks that I'm letting everyone I know there down by my picture not being in the chat channels. 

I can't bring myself to clean often, when I can it's for afew minutes before I'm out of breath, angry and in a cold sweat. This means that my floor is covered in a mess of dirty clothes, papers and bottles. 

I don't need to be happy, I don't need to fix everything wrong its not worth me doing it but I need to be stable so I can try, but I don't know how to do that. I can't even pick up a phone to begin to ask people for help. Please help me.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear jadeblack,

Be boring, get a routine.     Here's an ex.   You can write your own.  Sex and fantasies still require a clean home, new clothes, sustenance/food.  Being 19 yrs old is being an adult.   Even porn stars do the dishes and vaccum.

8am        GET UP !

8:15am    NO REALLY, GET UP !

8:30am    LAST CHANCE or your partner sings the Neighbours theme

9am    Shower, Breakfast

10am   Phone for help

11am   Walk

Noon   Light lunch, watch Channel 7 midday movie or DVD

2pm    Clean up the house, sweep, mop, vacuum, use a toothbrush to clean the toilet (only kidding)

4pm    Write out some of your fantasies over afternoon tea

5pm    Short walk or wash your car.

7pm     Play Hunt the Dirty Laundry, prepare a stack for washing or to be taken to the laundry the next day.

8 - 10pm  Relax.

10pm      Massage/Sex   Sing Bob the Builder "We can do it, yes we can".

11pm     Sleep

Adios, David.

PS   You need structure to be imaginative & spontaneous.  To break away.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

You can give your email address to the people from the chat channels who you want to stay in contact with.  You can tell them you're going on a holiday from the game.  It shouldn't be too hard for them to understand that you can not be constantly available.  Not even the mother of a newborn is available all the time, and you are not their mother.

Put some upbeat music on while you clean.  It's a public health hazard that brooms do not already have this instruction on a warning label somewhere.  Hell, you're already angry, you say.  Channel some of that energy.  Blast some metal and take your rage out on those dirty clothes!  AAAARRRHGJ!!!!  Ave Satanas!!  We offer these evil-smelling fabrics to you, our dark lord!

[geoff]

dear Jadeblack, from reading your post life's pretty tough.

I also have a feeling that it's showing signs of having OCD, like the need to play video and 'if I don't log in and sit at my desk for people to speak with me', plus the dirty clothes. I will wait until your get a chance to reply. Geoff.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

PS to Batman's response - And don't forget to wash the Bison (another name for sink).  Lol. Adios,David.