Hi, I'm jade. 19yo, I have many problems that I can't work out, the
internet hasn't helped me in the slightest. The crux of this all, is
that I have no idea whats wrong with me, I'm struggling with
testosterone poisoning and in perpetual terror that ...
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Hi, I'm jade. 19yo, I have many problems that I can't work out, the
internet hasn't helped me in the slightest. The crux of this all, is
that I have no idea whats wrong with me, I'm struggling with
testosterone poisoning and in perpetual terror that my centerlink
support is going to drop out from under me. I will sleep, 10 or twelve
hours and my partner cannot get me up when I fall asleep; I miss a lot
of school this way. I spend my every moment either incredibly upset at
something for little reason or simply morose about my lot in life.
People talking to me can even set it off. The rest of the time I'm
worried about some facet of my life, most often Centrelink or school...
Which having started on the 15th of the 7th I've been to one lesson of a
5 day p/week course, having left at the end of the first lesson, having
broken into a cold sweat 5 minutes in, yet managed to stay for it, at
least. I'm seriously struggling with body dysphoria, intertwined with
the need to mutilate myself, but I've been stopped by the presence of my
partner, mostly. Out of fear of retribution. I'm having immense problems
absorbing new information; people explain how to do things to me and
It's as if I can't process the words properly. I listen to every thing
they say carefully, but forget even the most simple of new tasks. I'm
always moody and slightly upset with my partner, shes never done
anything wrong to me. But I simply can't help it. I have no motivational
ability, I need food, clean clothes, to call people on the phone... but
I can't, I put off eating for days sometimes, just because it would mean
going out to buy food, which, is currently the only thing I enjoy,
leaving bed is even a chore now. The idea of simply picking up the
telephone to talk to someone, fills me with anxiety, I put it off for
months when I can, I've gone without power for 8 days just to avoid
talking to the power company, until my fish started to die off and my
partner did it for me. I have constant sexual desire, not always erect,
but I am constantly fantasizing. Trying to relieve this makes my sadness
so much worse, often triggering a want to commit suicide. it may have
some inception in that; I last for very much less then a minute during
intercourse. I used to adore video games, but now I play them not
because they're fun, they make me feel worse but, if I don't log in and
sit at my desk for people to speak with me, that I'm totally worthless,
don't deserve anything, that I'm not getting anything done and that I'm
hurting the people I talk to there. I try to quit, but I have panic
attacks that I'm letting everyone I know there down by my picture not
being in the chat channels. I can't bring myself to clean often, when I
can it's for afew minutes before I'm out of breath, angry and in a cold
sweat. This means that my floor is covered in a mess of dirty clothes,
papers and bottles. I don't need to be happy, I don't need to fix
everything wrong its not worth me doing it but I need to be stable so I
can try, but I don't know how to do that. I can't even pick up a phone
to begin to ask people for help. Please help me.