Feeling Lost

[Ruby_]

This is my first time on this, so I don't even really know where to start.
I guess I'm just looking for a non-judgmental outlet. 
I was bullied severely all but one year of my school life, I never knew different than feeling worthless, never the less I kept a brave face all day every day at school and had "friends" if you could call them that.
It got so bad that I began self harming just to feel something, it helped bring me back from the dark. I barely remember those days as my brain has seemingly blacked them out. 
My family is selfish, my mother in particular, she had an awful upbringing in another country where her parents beat her, and while I don't blame her, old habits die hard. She used to hit me with a bamboo stick and drag me by my hair and slap me, sometimes in public, which as a child was embarrassing and I still remember very clearly. More recently I've noticed she seems like two people, one sweet and one extremely violent and nasty. Most days her comments are aimed at me, and I honestly don't meant to sound ungrateful, I have a roof over my head, but the things she says are so beyond nasty they always leave me in tears, and it wouldn't even really hurt that much if I knew she was doing it to everyone, but its only me.
She tells me I'm worthless and she hates me and I'm the runt of the family and no one wants me, but the next minute she's forcing me to hug her and pretending it never happened. Sometimes the rest of the family join in and it breaks my heart because I always defend them when she says nasty things about them. I am the youngest and I feel so abandoned by the people I've counted on to love me no matter what. I read somewhere that emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse, I remember reading the signs and symptoms and crying because I knew that was what was happening to me. 
I'm 20, my self esteem is lower than dirt and I feel so alone, even if I'm in a room full of people, it's the most awful feeling in the world, so I guess that's why I wanted to come on here in the first place.
I just don't want to feel alone anymore. I feel so weak needing to go on a site like this because that's what's been programmed into my head. 
I don't know who I am anymore, people used to tell me I was meant for great things, but now I'm invisible. 
I was so sure my life was going to be more than this and I hate myself for sounding like such a sook but... I'm completely lost. 
I'm sorry if this made no sense, but if you made it this far thank you for reading.

[jess334]

Hi Ruby, 

You're not alone and you're definitely not weak.  It takes a strong person to put up with that type of abuse and come out the other side and an even stronger one to get the help they need.  Even starting on these online forums is a good start.  

Speak to your GP about using Medicare to speak to a psychologist.  They might be able to help you work through some of the issues.  

I hope writing on here helped you a bit, it always helps me work through my stuff.  

Jess

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Ruby,

"She tells me I'm worthless and she hates me"

Have you got the worst mother !  And all the mental and physical abuse !  And you half justify it by saying she comes from another country !  The amount of beatings you've had (bamboo cane and all) would be grounds for child cruetly.

It would be weak NOT to come on a site like this.   You have a right to be safe and part of the community.   Not bashed and ridiculed.  We save that for our politicians.  Lol.

Adios, David.

[dew_drops]

dear Ruby, well done to you for taking the first steps and having the courage to come here and share your troubles.

What you have suffered at the hands of your own mother(a person who is meant to love you and protect you) is so sad.I can understand why you would be feeling worthless and alone.You need help to boost your self esteem and learn to realise that you are a worthy person..As Jess mentioned, visit your gp and get  a referral to a psychologist.Tell them everything you feel you can.No one has a right to make you feel unworthy and unloved...even if they learnt that through their own upbringing, it is no excuse.You are young and you need to get through these hurdles of your personal life to help you develop into a strong young woman who feels like this world is worth living in.I know it's hard to find the strength to address issues when your feeling so low but hey..you've made the first step by coming here and sharing.Keep strong and find it in yourself to know that you deserve more because you do!!Good luck Ruby....here if you need a chat 🙂

[geoff]

dear Ruby, goodness me, what an ordeal to have to cope with and then suffer from.

Even though you pretend to be OK at school other kids can read anybody like a book, they know what's happening to you, so therefore they realise that you are an easy target to be bullied.

As your mother has come from another country and what she has done to you, it would be uncertain as to whether she has been diagnosed with any mental illness herself, but it seems certain that she has some issues.

Your are correct when you say mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse, however the latter can affect a young person, but never the less both discriminate against people like you.

People can onto a site like this to either offer help but more so to ask for help, and no one is a sook or stupid for doing so, it's were we all try and help them, you, and to offer some suggestions.

You were bullied all but year, and this intrigues me, and are you able to move out, or are still doing study, or maybe you might be working full time or part time and that's why your mum wants you to stay at home, to give her the money, as this is what happens in other countries. Hope you can reply and after 4 days you may have gone, I hope not. Geoff.