Help finding the right support

[Benjamin]

Me, I'm 20 years old living at home and studying, have 2 older sisters and a younger brother

Sooooooo, my mum used to be an alcoholic, it was probably the worst in grade tweve but its been bad since grade 11 up until last year. Mum was never violent, she was just always drunk, i'd come home from school and without fail she'd be passed out on the couch or have a wine glass in her hand ready to get wasted. I guess she was dealing with her depression after she and dad split.

Anyway, my sisters went overseas for a year each whilst I was in grade 12, and that's when it got the worst, maybe they were her support system or something, I don't know, but it got bad. I started to get really angry with her, always angry at her when she was drunk, always fighting and she didn't seem to understand why, mostly because I never brought up the drinking, I didn't really know how to, and when I did, whilst she was drunk, she would say awful things, mostly about dad and it was all I could do not to hit her.

Last year I decided to confront her about it, this was two years after high school. I built up the courage over time and I was ready, and then she went to rehab. Needless to say I was happy, but it didnt last long, maybe 2 weeks after coming out before she was passed out on the couch again. So I put it on the back burner and got on with life, but it was still eating at me. She went to Bangladesh to visit my sister in May last year, and I was determined to sit down with her and talk to her about how I felt as soon as she got back. When she did, she was in a really good mood, having traveled and seen my sister and I didn't want to ruin that so I told myself I'd wait two days. 

Went to work one morning with the clear plan that when I got home we would talk and I'd tell her how angry I'd been and that it had to stop. Half way through the day I get a call from my little brother, telling me that mums had a stroke. It was a massive clot that couldn't be removed, she survived and able to walk again pretty quickly, but she cant feel her left side. She's sort of a shadow of the person she was before, shes lost function of almost the whole right hand side of her brain so her memory is bad, her comprehension is bad, her sense of humor, a lot of things. It's a year on and I'm living with her and my younger brother, acting as carer, she doesn't need much help so its not hard but it can be frustrating. 

The biggest problem I'm having is I'm still so angry at her, I never got to talk to her about her drinking (which has of course stopped entirely) and not got any closure, and now after the stroke it doesn't seem fair on her for me to bring it up. I'm angry at myself for being angry at her, I feel guilty and sick when I think about it, and its starting to take over my thoughts a lot more. I can't talk to my sisters about it because I feel guilty, and because they never saw the worst of her alcoholism they don't understand.

I feel like I'm going to snap sometimes, and I find it hard to be anywhere on my own because I jsut think about it all the time and I just get angrier and angrier.

I want to be able to find somewhere where I can talk about this to someone, I don't want to see a doctor, I'd prefer a group or something otherwise I'll just feel more alone. There are carer support groups but I don't want to sit in a room with a bunch of aging people talking about the latest in therapy technology or how to look after my mum, I know that sounds insensitive but It's not what I need, I really just need to vent.

[vip]

Hi Benjamin you have been through an awful lot here and well done for sharing your story here yes and of course great place to vent all these feelings as we all have been through traumatic experiences. My advice here would be to speak to a psych here and to ask somebody professional what is the right approach to deal with these issues with your mum. You have to do it in a way that you get satisfaction that mum really truly knows how you feel and also to consider mums feelings here with her health issues ect. Honestly i have been with a psych on and off for 22 years and they can help you solve and get through all these feeling and all this mess. Just find someone you feel comfortable with and its really well worth it. Writing on these forums are great also maybe even ask beyond blue if they could find a counsilllor or medic professional to suit your needs. Anyway hope i could help here . Best of luck and take care.

[geoff]

dear Benjamin, it's been a long journey for yourself, and you have had to cope with a great deal of problems.

It certainly wouldn't be pleasant to come home and see your mum drunk and asleep on the couch, this in itself would be soul destroying, and as much as you wanted so much to talk to her, there never seemed to be the right time.

When someone is struggling with depression and uses alcohol to numb their feelings, and I was one of these people, it's so difficult to get them to understand what is happening to themselves, and to try and convince them to stop.

Nobody could stop me from drinking because I had nothing else to fall back onto, sure I was called a drunk and criticised for buying alcohol, however there is an enormous health concern for people and that's their blood cells play up and are weakened by the consumption of too much alcohol.

I have substantialy cut down my intake to the point of being a social drinker, as I know the risks.

You were trying to do the most for your mum and to explain to her that she was destroying her body, unbeknown to her about the risks, and you should be applauded for trying to do so.

There is an old saying 'the time will never be just right', or 'there is never a right time'.

Please have some comfort within yourself, none of what has happened was caused by you, you had every good intention in mind. I hope that you can reply back. Geoff.

[Benjamin]

I dont blame myself for her drinking, I blame her and always have. Now though, after her stroke, I see her at her lowest and my anger and blame make me feel like a worthless pos.

And the stress of looking after her is just serving to make me angrier