The Ongoing Battle

[Phillip]

Hi guys, never done this before, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I all of a sudden remembered hearing about it, hopefully I can find some help!!

I'm 19 years old and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD 2 years ago, however discovering what it was made me realise how much longer I've had it for. Everyday I get some effect in one form or another. From something randomly making me feel like I have nothing to look forward to (which is more horrible than first thought), to becoming anxious of things people dont usually get scared of (This is something I would never give to anyone if I could, it is that bad at its extremes).

I've been going to a psychologist and psychiatrist for over two years now to mix therapy with anti depressants. While I can say the therapy has helped me in some ways and has made me become a fighter and think rationally, I still experience depression and anxiety more frequently than ever and it gets harder everyday when to starts to become your life. Also I've changed medication three times and increased the dosage many times which has had almost no effect and just makes me feel bad as my parents have to buy it.

So although it looks like I'm doing well to everyone else, inside I feel the same pain that I have for years. Everyday something I like doing becomes unfavourable all of a sudden, something that gives me happy feelings disappears, everyday something will stress me out whether It be knowing the tafe teacher is going to crack it at a student, or nothing at all in some cases. My coping mechanisms as well which include music and talking to friends about this stuff has been making less of an effect, like I'm wasting fuel or something like that. Also I hold it in a lot cause my mums got her own problems, and even though she said we can talk whenever, it makes me feel bad.

I just want to see if anything else can be done. I dont feel normal, and when I get low like this, it feels like nothing is working. If anybody has anything to say, please your more than welcome to. And I also am up to helping people anytime if I am able to, I dont like seeing people go through this and just live with it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Phillip,

You need to be acknowledged and accepted.   A parent would give up a kidney for their child if they needed it so maybe paying for some antidepressants isn't that big a deal.

Feeling bad is already inside you when you have depression.   Talking to friends or your mum really isn't the problem.    You seem very balanced to me to value any therapy or communication.  Sometimes being 19 means chasing girls, climbing Mount Everest or scoring the winning goal at Rio next year to win Australia the World Cup (there's always a chance........).   Maybe 19 for you is less exciting and a bit of a non feeling at the moment but gotta be a little less hard on yourself.

I had my bipolar diagnosis when I was 28.   There have been some periods of being OK but mostly it's been almost 30 yrs of living with the illness.   I never scored that winning World Cup Soccer goal either but that doesn't mean I can't be part of life and have some input.   The reason you will benefit from more self acceptance is that you will transfer all the conditional feelings to anyone close including a partner.  So the future would include comments to your wife like "It makes me feel bad when you buy antidepressants for me" or "I don't like to put your through this year after year".   If you can re-set your mindset now you will still be able to score.

Adios, David.

PS  One depression book I came across once included a parent buying the depressed son a horse.  That's pretty out there but even doing something simple in the community once  week is probably just as rewarding.   There's no disappointment without expectation my friend.  Now go and wash up.  Lol.

[geoff]

dear Phillip, all I can say at first is yuk, by having these three devils inside you.

I have had OCD for 54 years, which also means having anxiety, and depression well I know that I've had it for 20 odd years, but I now believe that I've had it an on and off basis for a long long time.

I only say this because OCD wasn't really known as such until 1963 by Dr. Neil Bogusian, but back in the 15th century people had the devil inside them and exorcism was given to them, anyway that's a history lesson.

There are many comments you make such as ' becoming anxious of things people don't usually get scared of', 'I get some effect in one form or another', which would cause OCD, and your so right when you also say 'gets harder everyday when to starts to become your life'.

Once this happens to me anyway, I learn to accept the fact that I have it, and to me it's not irrational, others may believe that it is, and by seeing us doing these habits/rituals sure it seems to be so, so that's why I hide my OCD where no one can see me doing them.

I have had counselling for 20 years and done an online course to help with me with anxiety and OCD, but basically it may have helped me for a certain period, but once I wasn't having this counselling or not doing the course it all went back to square one.

What I want you to understand is that what you do, just the same as I do are normal for us, and that we can't be crucified by what others say to us, it's an illness but even medication which is supposed to help us, I don't believe it does.

When I need a script for my depression, which finally has been working for about 8 years or so (?), the doctor has to ring the medical department and get an authorisation number but he says it's for OCD and not depression.

Phillip there is a lot more to your story, so I hope that you can reply, as I want to help you. Geoff.

[Phillip]

Thanks David, when you started talking about 19 being non-eventful for myself, I knew you were a guy that knows what he is talking about. Yes that is the case for some of the time, however I am on the way to finding myself an apprenticeship and I'm almost there, but I like the social side of things to go well. I've got to be busy with my friends doing something. Also it sucks being single, I really can see a better future in a relationship. Anyways I try my best to make my life eventful, I've got some friends that are the best to hang around, its just they are the worst at planning and never seem to organise anything. 

[Phillip]

Thanks Geoff for replying as well. It seems like u have had it harsh for a long time, its good to see that you've lasted this long, ur a strong man!!!

And yes, there is of course a lot more to the story, however you would be reading for a very long time 😛 thats why I tried to sum it up. 

Recently I'm realising more that when my mood is brought down because of my condition, I'm not able to enjoy what I like to do. But I try to do new things or the time to keep me stimulated. After a while of doing something you like, even the thought of that can trigger bad emotions which I can;t explain at this point in time.

Like David said, it doesnt seem to be very eventful. It is like this, however I try my best to make things happen. I need to go out more with people and have fun(I just wish they would not be so busy) and I guess meet new people as it is hard to find the friends that are willing to hang every now and then for me.

Also I need to try and meet people to meet girls. I dont go uni anymore, I'm about to start an apprenticeship, so Its kinda changed, and at 19 its just natural. So I would appreciate anything else you have!!