Me, I'm 20 years old living at home and studying, have 2 older sisters
and a younger brother Sooooooo, my mum used to be an alcoholic, it was
probably the worst in grade tweve but its been bad since grade 11 up
until last year. Mum was never violent,...
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Me, I'm 20 years old living at home and studying, have 2 older sisters
and a younger brother Sooooooo, my mum used to be an alcoholic, it was
probably the worst in grade tweve but its been bad since grade 11 up
until last year. Mum was never violent, she was just always drunk, i'd
come home from school and without fail she'd be passed out on the couch
or have a wine glass in her hand ready to get wasted. I guess she was
dealing with her depression after she and dad split. Anyway, my sisters
went overseas for a year each whilst I was in grade 12, and that's when
it got the worst, maybe they were her support system or something, I
don't know, but it got bad. I started to get really angry with her,
always angry at her when she was drunk, always fighting and she didn't
seem to understand why, mostly because I never brought up the drinking,
I didn't really know how to, and when I did, whilst she was drunk, she
would say awful things, mostly about dad and it was all I could do not
to hit her. Last year I decided to confront her about it, this was two
years after high school. I built up the courage over time and I was
ready, and then she went to rehab. Needless to say I was happy, but it
didnt last long, maybe 2 weeks after coming out before she was passed
out on the couch again. So I put it on the back burner and got on with
life, but it was still eating at me. She went to Bangladesh to visit my
sister in May last year, and I was determined to sit down with her and
talk to her about how I felt as soon as she got back. When she did, she
was in a really good mood, having traveled and seen my sister and I
didn't want to ruin that so I told myself I'd wait two days. Went to
work one morning with the clear plan that when I got home we would talk
and I'd tell her how angry I'd been and that it had to stop. Half way
through the day I get a call from my little brother, telling me that
mums had a stroke. It was a massive clot that couldn't be removed, she
survived and able to walk again pretty quickly, but she cant feel her
left side. She's sort of a shadow of the person she was before, shes
lost function of almost the whole right hand side of her brain so her
memory is bad, her comprehension is bad, her sense of humor, a lot of
things. It's a year on and I'm living with her and my younger brother,
acting as carer, she doesn't need much help so its not hard but it can
be frustrating. The biggest problem I'm having is I'm still so angry at
her, I never got to talk to her about her drinking (which has of course
stopped entirely) and not got any closure, and now after the stroke it
doesn't seem fair on her for me to bring it up. I'm angry at myself for
being angry at her, I feel guilty and sick when I think about it, and
its starting to take over my thoughts a lot more. I can't talk to my
sisters about it because I feel guilty, and because they never saw the
worst of her alcoholism they don't understand. I feel like I'm going to
snap sometimes, and I find it hard to be anywhere on my own because I
jsut think about it all the time and I just get angrier and angrier. I
want to be able to find somewhere where I can talk about this to
someone, I don't want to see a doctor, I'd prefer a group or something
otherwise I'll just feel more alone. There are carer support groups but
I don't want to sit in a room with a bunch of aging people talking about
the latest in therapy technology or how to look after my mum, I know
that sounds insensitive but It's not what I need, I really just need to
vent.
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