found, but lost

[emilymollie]

Hello,

My name is Emily, I am sixteen years old and Australian.

Approximately two years ago I started to develop symptoms of depression. My life had turned miserable, my dad was gambling all our money away which made my mum cry all the time, my sisters were crying because they were hearing the fights, and I was just there. So I hid away in my room, by myself with no one too talk too. I didnt know how too cope with what was happening at home, or the usual teenage drama. I was beginning to not associate with anyone, and make up excuses so i didnt have to do anything or leave my dark, and lonely room. I dont think the fact that I had low self esteem and hated myself helped the depression get worse and worse.

But the biggest regret of my life was October, the 16th. This was the day that I lost control of my emotions and I harmed myself. For the first time at 15 years of age, I self harmed. Psychologically, it helps release the emotional pain through physical pain. When I finished I was horrified. I didnt know how I could have sunk so low, and worse, that it felt so so good. I hated myself and so I started harming everytime I lost a battle with myself. There are scars up my arm, and I could tell you what happened that caused every single one.

Another year had past and I was worse than ever. By this point I was ready to die. I had given up so badly on everyone, and everything that made me happy. The only time I went out was to get drunk with my friends so I could forget abot everything and the pain would go away. But that only seemed to last for the night. I also did a few stupid things with a few boys that I wish I could take back. Having no self respect meant that I didnt care if anyone else respected me. It was a shit day at school and I came home too the house, that was empty. I was alone, and it seemed perfect. This was a way out! I could end this pain that was bottled up inside me. Beforehand I wrote out notes to every member of my family. I was almost unconscious until my mother came home. She saved me, even though at the time I didnt want to be saved.

I'll keep writing about the next year some other time, but thats why I am here, and still alive.

[vip]

Hi Emily thank goodness for your mum . Mums are very special people. I am a suicide survivor also and thats why I am here also to help others and have told my story. Looking forward to reading your next post and really hope you have started to put your life back together. Good girl for mustering up the courage to write your story I am a lot older than you 39 but my first diagnosis of depression was at 17. Take care

[Dennis38]

Hello Emily and welcome to the forums.

Now I do know where you are coming from to some extent, except it is my mother who has the gambling problem which put a huge strain on the family but at the time we did not know it, like you my family is a little, well ok a lot screwed up, and I to at your age would hide in my room, but I never did self harm I would lose myself into video games or reading.

Now first I can understand about the self harming aspect but to be honest young lady that needs to stop simply because you could do some major damage to yourself other then just a few scars. I will not make false promises like well things will get better, to be perfectly honest life has its hard moments, but it does have its good moments as well. I thing that the hard moments are there for a few reasons A: to show us who we are and who we can become and b: to make us enjoy the good times just a little more.

But instead of self harming why not start to write down a few things and let the ink bring your pain out on the paper, I suggest paper because you can then throw the paper away once you are done, kind of a symbolic way of getting rid of the pain and hurt you feel.

I am not belittling your feelings as pain is pain no matter what age we are. But the key to this pain is finding a safe outlet for it. Even if you scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum once in a while, I am 37 and I still throw a temper tantrum once in a while, it wont hurt you and will help kind of get some of those feelings out.

Might I also suggest turning to an adult that you feel you can trust, personally and keep in mind this is just me talking, I would not talk to your parents at first, reason I say this is that everyone in a family is normaly pretty close and its hard to deal with each others problems at times. Find someone that you are comfortable talking with, hard to do some times but its worth the time and energy.  Now keep in mind I will freely admit I have a warped sense of family and that comes from my own rough background. If you are comfortable with talking with your mom go for it.

And always remember there are people here on the forums that will lend you an ear and a shoulder to cry on if you need one.

Best wishes and remember if you are going through hell keep on moving and you will come out the other side!