I just don't want to exist

[Hannah_G_]

I seem to be a cheerful teenager, I guess I have perfected that mask long ago. Nobody really knows what is happening in my head. Every word someone says to me, whether it be calling me beautiful, smart or just general conversation, every word has a hidden meaning in my mind. Telling me I am not worth it, or I shouldn't be here. No one knows my sexual orinentation, they all think I am just not wanting a relationship. Nobody knows that I am always scared of them, always on edge and that I trust no one. Every time something bad happens, whether it be within my social group or outside of it, I feel as if it is my fault. I have no empathy. I look in the mirror, and I want that person dead. I have PCOS, making me infertile and making me feel ugly and horrid. There are days I just want to roll over and die, and others where I just want to hurt myself. Being who I am, having my life is what I would find to be the equivalent of hell on Earth. How can people accept me for who I am when I can barely accept myself? I need help, I know I do, because I don't want to hurt others with my carelessness, even if I don't trust them. But, the overall fact is, I wish I wasn't born. That I didn't exist.

[vip]

Hi Hannah well done for writing on this forum so glad you are here to join us. Please get yourself off to a GP asap and get a referral to a psych these are all symptoms of depression here you are experiencing and you need to get it treated quickly. To me you sound like a beautiful person sharing your thoughts and feelings here and thats the start of recovery.My first diagnosis was 17 and after I had it all sorted i actually got back on my feet and started again you are not alone here hope you recive some more posts from other people depression is very common and it hits the very young and the very old. Take care

[David123]

Hi Hannah,

I have also had those exact feelings of not wanting to exist, or erasing all record of myself from the planet.  I also have trouble accepting myself, despite many people around me who loveand value me.  I used to blame myself for all the problems people experienced around me.

These are all symptoms of depression.  I am part way through treatment and feeling a little bit better every day.  I no longer think that I don't want to exist.

Please visit your GP.  It is the first step to taking the pain away.

- David

[geoff]

dear Hannah, your such a young teenage who shouldn't have to cope with all of these awful problems, it's not fair for you.

Your 'friends' natural instinct would be that as they may call you beautiful, and that you would want a relationship, but this may not necessarily be so, not everybody wants to be involved with someone else, and that's exactly how I felt growing up, sure I got teased about this, but that wouldn't alter how I wanted to be.

You know when someone has depression and this is what you may have, is that we always blame ourselves, it's the negativity that comes with this illness, and also is a strong factor when you have OCD.

We don't have any choose about being born, your parents wanted a child and along came you, we maybe born to be intelligent, to be beautiful but presupposed to have depression as we grow older, it's something that we can't decide on.

It's a terrible illness and it's job is to make us sad, angry, confused and negative, but we can't eradicate it without any help.

The school counsellor may offer some help but you need more professional help and this means that you have to go and see your doctor.

I am not sure how your parents feel about your situation, and whether they are supporting you or maybe they don't know, that's something you can tell us.

I am so pleased that you have posted, we want to help you through all of this, so please reply back to us. Geoff.

[chtpsy]

Hi Hannah. I agree with Nes; thank you for contacting someone about your concerns. Often that can be the biggest step in getting help. Nes is right, you do sound like you would benefit from speaking to a psychologist. Did you know that if you go to your GP (your local doctor) in NSW and tell him/her about your concerns, they are allowed to refer you to a psychologist and you can be treated to 6 sessions free of charge? You don't have to pay, and it can give you somewhere to vent your frustration and concerns whilst being safe and in a non-judgemental setting. This can help in organising what is happening within yourself and, they can help you with some techniques to figure out what to do next. Perhaps medication can help, perhaps some therapy will help- more often than not, both options are thoroughly explored in future sessions. It can be really nice to have someone you can trust to talk to. 

Please go and see a GP Hannah, or, talk to someone on the Beyond Blue site or on this site- they are both excellent. I don't know you, but I am sure many people love you and would be very sad to see you so sad. You deserve to be happy Hannah.