Just a vent, not sure where to go next

[beej]

Hey guys, I'm new here. I'm a female, nearly 20 and just feel like my life is going no where.

I have no energy anymore and don't see the point in life. Really I don't like thinking about the future at all, just living life day by day, struggling to get to the next. 

The reason I'm here is because while I feel like I have depression/anxiety for a while (haven't been to a GP/psych just yet), the last few weeks things have made a turn for the worst and my symptoms have escalated quite severely. All I can think about is ending my life. 

I have been planning to go overseas in q few months with my partner for a while now, but I'm not even sure I can make it that far. I feel completely useless. I can't talk to family/ friends because I don't want to stress them out or make them worry about me, especially because most of them have similar mental issues. I can't talk to my partner because his father committed suicide and I don't want to bring up anything that's going to hurt him.

Right now I would like to get some help. My family, partner, pets, and the trip overseas are the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. If they weren't around I would have ended things a long time ago. The thing is one of my biggest anxieties is going to the doctors and talking to people deeply about my feelings. How should I go about getting help? I feel like I am at the end if my tether. 

Any replies are much appreciated.

beej x 

[Amelia]

Hi Beej, I'm another 20 year old female with depression and anxiety. And I know what it's like to have a family with their own mental issues - both my parents have bipolar disorder. But I have found that because of their own experiences, people with their own mental 'issues' are good to talk to because they usually understand where you are coming from. Is there even just one person you could talk to (a sibling/parent/close friend)? It often helps just to get it off your chest and know that someone is aware of how you're feeling.

I would really encourage you to see your GP/doctor to ask them about seeing a psychologist. Fighting anxiety can be tough, so maybe try to think of it in little steps:
1. pick up the phone
2. make the appointment with your GP.
3. Pat yourself on the back for taking those steps!
4. Go to the appointment.... and so on.

It's so great that you want to get help, that is the first step. About a year ago I went to my GP - I didn't talk to her in depth about my emotions, I just told her I was depressed and asked for a referral for a psychologist. I have been to two psychologists since then, and they were both great. I am currently still seeing one. It can take a few sessions to get used to opening up but it does get easier and I now really look forward to my sessions. In my experience, psychologists will always go at your pace - so you can take your time in talking about whatever feelings you're comfortable talking about.

Remember how important you are to the people around you. Feeling so hopeless that you want to end things is really, really hard. I, too, would not be here if it weren't for my family - I always remind myself that my life is not just about me, and that other people need me in their life. Keep holding onto those that love you. It takes so much strength and I admire you for it!

I hope you feel better soon. Amelia

[Meg82]

Sounds like you really need some support. I think first you have to take a very deep breath because it sounds like things are really at a breaking point for you and its really not good. If you are seriously having suicidal thoughts you can't mess about with that especially if you have gone far enough to have a plan because that is serious and I am sure your family and partner love you very much and want you around. I have terrible anxiety about talking to people on the phone so I know how hard it can be to take a big step to push past the fear and go do something that get you worked up but I think your brain is telling you that you have no choice its stressed out and needs some help. You may get a small laugh out of the fact I have this anxiety about talking on the phone but I am studying to become a counsellor. I am going to have to work passed it pretty fast lmao. Still I don't mind through seeing my GP, a psychologist and getting the right treatment I am ready to tackle my anxieties. You will feel so much better if you go see your GP and nothing major is going to happen. How about I go through what happened with me when I had to admit to my doctor I was suicidal for you then maybe knowing what will happen will halve your worry.

Ok so you go in there and your doctor looks all amazing and together and if your anything like I was at that time I looked like death warmed up. My hair was a mess, I was very tense and constantly at a point where I wanted to burst into tears. So my doctor all shiny and looking and smelling wonderful asks "so why have you come today?". Me all haven't had a shower and feeling dreadful says "Well such and such has happened and I am feeling really unhappy and I am worried about this and this and this all the time and I just feel like I would be better off dead and I am worried about feeling like that too" To which the doctor is then like ok well we can't leave you like that you are obviously very stressed we need to work out a mental health plan (if you haven't had one before then he/she will explain it to you). Pretty much they aren't going to leave you suicidal they will get you on medication right away and help you out with making an appointment to see a psychologist. The medication will be weird for a few days and then you will wonder why you waited so long to ever tell anyone how bad things were and a psychologist is the best thing that ever happened to me so definitely go see one. They don't expect you to spill everything on your first session also admitting you are not very comfortable with doing so will help you and the psychologist because then they will know how to go ahead with things. It wont hurt but it will dig up some things that maybe you didn't even know you were worrying you and that can be emotional. All in all though I am telling you taking the step to get help is not one you are going to regret. 2.5 years ago I was ready to step off this mortal coil and a total mess now I am about to finish a diploma in counselling if I don't totally spaz before the end of next month lol. I would really like to promote the idea of and maybe even start a group for people doing art therapy to cope with depression and anxiety as it helped me tons to just have that outlet. I am a terrible artist but its not about being good its about the peace and clarity it brings and doing arts and crafts to help my depression was a suggestion from my psychologist so look how far getting help has brought me. I hope my reply helps you I really think you are brave for admitting your anxieties about getting help as well as how you feel and I know things can get better for you.

[beej]

Hi Amelia! Thanks for your reply.

i do have one friend I can talk to and understands my anxiety, he has agreed to take me to an appointment this week but I still don't want to tell anyone else just yet. I understand that my family may empathise with me as they have similar issues, but I have seen on my mums mental health plan that my sister (also has severe anxiety and depression) effects her mental health strongly, so I don't want to put even further worry or stress. 

I really like your idea of little steps or goals to get me some help! I plan get the courage to ring the GP tomorrow and hopefully get an appointment either this week or the next.

ill just keep taking things one day at a time and not stress too much about the future. Thanks again for your reply.

beej x

[beej]

Hi Meg! Thanks for your reply and sharing your story. It makes me feel a little better that there are other people out there who are feeling or have felt the same way as me. Like you. I am also training to do a very people based job. It can be very stressful sometimes.

i have been to the GP before to talk about my anxiety. I didn't want to talk about my emotions then and there so I wrote everything down in a document and handed it to them when I got there. Unfortunately things didn't turn out right, as the doctor only suggested to do exercises or yoga (which I do anyway, and help mildly). I was too embarrassed to say that I wanted a different kind of help. Hopefully next time ill have the courage to come out and say what I really want.

beej x

[Amelia]

Hi Beej!

Your reply brought a smile to my face, thank you. 🙂

That is good news that you have a friend to talk to. It's so excellent that you are taking the steps to getting help. Well done! You are taking the first (and perhaps biggest) step towards feeling better.

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to further stress your mum out. But it is important not to feel "guilty" about them (your family) feeling something about you - my mum has been around a lot of negativity in her life, and although she's in a happy place in her life now, she has to watch her daughter (me) in an extreme state of negativity and unhappiness. Yes, it's not ideal for her peace of mind, but (and I stress this as being important) I know it makes her happier to know that I trust her with what's going on in my life. And I feel better knowing I have my parents' understanding and support during difficult times.

You will know when (if) the time comes that it feels right to tell her. Perhaps once you are seeing a psychologist (or someone like that) it will help to ease the stress for your mum, because she will know you are doing something positive about it?
From experience, it is easier to handle things in life when you're not "doing it alone"... and letting them in might make them feel better too. 

In the meantime, remember you can post as much as you like here. 🙂

Warm wishes, Amelia