tired, directionless, overwhelmed and unsatisfied

[waltz]

Hey 18 m. For the past couple years I've slowly felt like I was slipping away from myself and now everyday feels like im watching someone and being someone else rather than myself. In highschool i used to play sports and do 3 extra curricular activities and still get almost straight As while having time to go out with family and enjoy, in college i dropped sports and 2 of the extra curriculurs and the third transitioned into more of a teaching role. At the time dropping the sports and extra curriculars felt good cause it was less to do and i thought I'd have moe free time but now it feels like i lost that talent and skill and wish i could get it back but now i feel like i have no time. In college i used to hand every assignment in late and my grades dropped to Cs abd Ds with a couple of Bs here and there and i never did my work, i used to catch the bus and walk around my city and did tons of hikes which was my sort of escape but id always talk to myself in my head these long conversations about who i was and what i was doing and i could never get out of these thought cycles that drove me crazy. Luckily i pulled through with a good final score for my atar but because i wasn't expecting it i didn't aim high with my uni and feel like i chose wrong and went for the 'worse' uni i guess rather than the better one but i convinced myself it was too much effort to switch and that i actually wanted to go to the 'worse' uni so i stuck to it but i always wished i had applied myself a bit more with my studies. I never knew what i wanted to study so i randomly chose a 4 year engineering degree because it was what i was mildly interested in and i do the work and its fine but nothing that makes me feel like i love it, my parents came education and i know its importance soil i dont really want to just stop without knowing what im doing. Once i started working, between work, my university and that teaching role i have i feel exhausted. Everyone wants me to give them more time and put in more effort but im already stretched thin, i collapse every night by 9 pm i can barely function and i get up by 6:30 to get ready for the day. The days fly past now and it feels like im watching someone live my life rather than being present, i wish i had such to my sports because i never get time for myself including the gym. I lie to my parents about uni, i lie to uni and my jobs about being sick just to get one afternoon to drive out superuser in my city and relax for a couple hours because i know if i tell the truth my parents will say to cut down on work but i have to work and how it affects my uni but i don't want to really stop anything, i value my education and know that i can transition and still use it for something or another in the end, i need to work for money, my teaching role is thr most fulfilling thing i do but recent work drama has made me start to reevaluate my position there and my parents deserve my time too more than anyone but now theres nothing left for me and idk how much longer I can keep this up.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I sympathise with you for what appears to be a confusing and hectic life for a young adult.

One issue I have no knowledge on is what happens to HECS fees if you abandon your uni education?

I cant see anything ideal or beneficial in being absent at uni or deceiving your parents, if chilling out elsewhere instead is your escape then evenings or after work would be a better plan. 

Talking about chilling, all of us benefit from clearing our heads, so a walk up and down the street can give you that.

But I feel there's more issues here. Your dissatisfaction and confusion is that severe you'd  benefit from a professional therapist which starts with your GP.

Commonly prioritising can plan your life to work better but I think your dissatisfaction covers too many bases to easily reorganise yourself to find stability.

I hope you get the support you need through therapy and become open to your parents that seek only the best for you. 

TonyWK