Things are going downhill fast

[hann1805]

I've been suffering anxiety and depression for years now, I went through a really rough patch mid last year and after nearly 6 years of going without medical help I finally plucked up the courage to talk to a GP about everything and it helped a lot. I even got to the point where my doc was okay with lowering and eventually stopping my medication.

In December last year, the store my boyfriend and I worked at went under and over 40 people lost their jobs along with us. We were looking at apartments to finally move out together and then all the money we saved to move out suddenly moved to keeping ourselves afloat until one of us could get a job, we also discussed that I would finish my diploma as I am eligible for gov benefits but he isn't so he would look for a job. Nearly 5 months later and he still hasn't found a job and I am almost finished studying. I'm finding my anxiety and depression is the worst it's been in my life. I cannot for the life of me get out of bed in the morning anymore, I'm only a subject away from finishing my diploma but have no motivation to do anything. I'm finding nothing I do makes me happy anymore, I unfortunately snap at my boyfriend over petty things, my self esteem is at an all time low, I have trouble accepting the fact that he really does love me. 

I live with him and his parents because I can't support myself and I honestly feel paranoid that they're talking behind my back about me, regardless of whether I'm pulling my weight or not. I feel like I'm just a burden on them. 

 I know I need to see my GP again and I will next week but I just don't know what else to do anymore, I just can't seem to find happiness in anything anymore. 

[Jacko777]

Hi Hann1805,

Sorry to hear you having a tough time mate, these are stressful things you have been going through. I am glad you are seeing your GP next week and don't hesitate to ring the Beyond Blue phone service for some professional advice and support.

You say it helped a lot when you plucked up the courage to see your doc. Is there any activities that you did then that you can do now that might help? I find that sometimes I forget to do the things that keep me well, even though I know they work.

I am guessing that at some point you were/are passionate about your study and the subject matter? You are so close to the finish line, re ignite your passion for what you are doing, this is your thing that no one can take from you if you can keep at it. 

Do you or have you tried meditation? It really helps me to train my mind to stay focused on the things I do want, not the things I don't want. Hang in there mate, I think you can take some steps to make this better. Love to you.

Jacko

[Doolhof]

Hi Hann1805,

I have just read your post and then Jacko777's answer to you, and he has written just about everything I was going to.

You have both been through a really tough time and for no fault of your own.

I too would like to encourage you to see your Dr as soon as you can, use the phone help lines or even the web chat here at Beyond Blue.

You have come so far in your diploma, you just need to find the strength and motivation to complete it.

I know when my depression is bad, I find it hard to be motivated as well. Try setting yourself a routine. Get up at the same time each morning. Sometimes you need to really push hard but it is worth it in the end.

Can you speak with a counsellor connected to where you are studying for your diploma? They may have ideas on how to cope and see this through.

Try to get out of the house for a bit of exercise. Even if you just walk up the end of the street and back, that will be a start.

Your boyfriend may be looking hard for work, it is not always easy to land a job. My husband is almost 50 and has been unemployed for quite a while! It is tough on him as well not being able to find employment and us having to survive on my wage alone.

I hope you find your sense of motivation again!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

[geoff]

dear Hann, I do remember you from your posts last year, because I recognise your photo.

Can I just put your problems to one side just for the moment, because I want to stress that you were taking medication but then felt as though you were perhaps getting better, so your doctor lowered and then stopped you having to take it, so I know that the circumstances have not been good at all, but even so you have fallen and once again become a victim of the black dog.

If this hadn't happened and you were fine, then you could handle this situation, but now one problem leads to another, like you don't feel capable of finishing this last semester, as well as feeling paranoid about his parents, talking behind your back and so on, so I would suggest that you start your medication once again.

It's not a failure feeling like this, we have no option when it comes to depression, we can't stop it coming, but we can learn on how to cope with it.

If you pull out from completing your unit then your government payments are likely to stop, and if this does happen then your situation will become worse, and that's what we don't want to happen.

It is a real shame that the store has gone into liquidation, but no employees knows the financial situation of their company they are working for, and you are given no warning, so yes all your plans have been disrupted.

I wonder if your boyfriend has gone to an employment agency, where they have to find people jobs or else the government won't support them financially, so they endeavour to do what ever they can to get jobs.

I am truly sorry for what's been going on, but please take it slowly, bit by bit and would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[hann1805]

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

 I was supposed to go to the doc yesterday but due to a situation with my boyfriend's mum and having to take her to her hospital appointment, unfortunately I was left waiting in a hospital all day. I don't want to come here with excuses and feel like I'm just listing all the bad things that are happening in my life. I know I need to be back on medication and my boyfriend is all for me being back on it, even though he is opposed to medication. 

I've taken a couple of days off from my studies to just try and get my head together, my diploma is an online course so I'm basically on my own. The sooner I finish my diploma the sooner I can find a job, and in response to you Geoff, my boyfriend did go to a job agency when he first applied for gov assistance, the first one they put his name down for called him in for an interview, then put him through a medical, he essentially had the job and was waiting to start when we got the call that the company had lost a major client and couldn't afford to start him let alone keep a lot of existing employees, so the job agency have been helping him ever since, even though he's not getting gov assistance. So I'm happy he's getting help. 

In response to Jacko777, the only thing that would calm me down from panic attacks was focusing on something and just concentrating on my breathing. I've been trying to do that lately and it just isn't working for me.

I've essentially lost passion for everything in my life. My boyfriend has to basically physically pull me out of bed every morning, even making sure that I'm eating and showering. 

I don't mean to come here and whine about my life. I'm just can't seem to find reality anymore. It's just getting harder and harder every single day. 

[Jacko777]

Hi hann1805,

You are welcome to share your thoughts and feelings here mate, whatever they are. Most of us have experienced a bit of what you are going through so you certainly won't be judged here. I am glad you posted.

Bummer you missed your appointment with your GP, obviously it couldn't be helped. I hope you use your 3 days off to get some help, here on the 24hr phone service or with your GP. You will probably have to do something different to expect different outcomes.

I'm glad you have been trying to focus/meditate, maybe you could try doing even more, or have a look on the web for a fresh meditation that suits you. Positive affirmations can be quite useful for some people, replacing the uncontrolled banter in the mind to positive thoughts about recovery and a positive future. Mostly you want to be sure that you are taking appropriate steps to address your depression, with medication or not. Give it your best shot, you are worth it. Love to you.

Jacko

[hann1805]

I'm just trying to do what I can to stay afloat not only for myself but for my boyfriend as well. Just finding it very hard to keep treading at the moment. After hearing that my former best friend who doesn't struggle with anything in life but complains about every aspect and expects things handed to her on a silver platter just got approved for a home of her own without ever having a job nor living on her own previously. It just upsets me a fair bit because I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere.

I utilize the phrase "fake it till you make it" a lot. It's just getting even more difficult to keep up the mask anymore. I will have a chat with my GP this week and see how that goes, I'll be sure to update my progress.

[Doolhof]

Hi hann,

Like Jacko said, you don't need to apologise for telling things as they are here at Beyond Blue. We would all love to have a happy ending to everyone's problems, but know in reality that is not always an easy thing to obtain.

You weren't able to make it to the Dr the other day for a very legitimate reason, so yes, do try again and make another appointment.

It is wonderful your boyfriend is trying to help and encourage you. I hope somehow you are able to get your energy and enthusiasm back again.

Even though you are studying on line, there must be some for of a support net work for you surely. I don't really know about that stuff.

It is hard not to compare yourself and your life to others, but try not to let it get you down. In the end you will be the stronger person having lived through all of your trials.

Can you and your boyfriend go out for the day and do something totally different from anything you have done before so you get to see life from a different angle?

Hope some of this helps. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools  ( Lauren)