Trapped in depression and loneliness

[Daisyv33]

My heart is smashed into a million pieces and it can never be fixed. I held this depression for 9 years and still i can't accept that i don't belong to the community. I'm always lonely, must mean that i don't have a good personality or something that i'm just not accepted for. I can never meet someone who would understand me, maybe i did but they moved schools and this always have to end the friendship. I even explained to some classmates but they didn't bother to help and they think i'm over reacting. I try to follow my classmates just to allow myself feel belong like everyone but all that happens in the end is i'm replace but someone else. I've heard some stories that staring a youtube channel will make you feel special, but that didn't help me. I tried speaking to counsellors but all i'm given is the respond to exactly how i feel, the points about how to feel better didn't help me much. I'm still trapped. Everyone hates me, i don't belong, i don't understand why i'm alive, i wish i wasn't born in the first place.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Magyarok]

Hello Daisy,

I'm sorry for the way that you feel and concerned about you.  Being young can be so difficult with the different pressures you are facing including peer pressure which can be really delibitating.

I can relate to your story.  Growing up we moved about every two years interstate because my dad was in the army.  Therefore i went to seven different schools - four primary and three high schools. 

I was very shy, had low self esteem and confidence and never really fit into any group.  I was always the outsider looking in.  I felt as though i didn't deserve friends and i was a loner.  By the time i changed high schools for the second time i thought to myself what is the point in making friends when i only have to leave and start all over again.

It really is tough trying to find your way into new social groups when you are perceived as an outsider.  People seem to be really 'clicky' and they form these tight little social groups which are hard to get into.

I think the biggest issue for you is confidence and self esteem which is completely understable.  It is tough being young and you may feel the need to compromise your own values etc just to be accepted and fit into a group.  But don't do this, remain true to yourself. 

What are your interests?  Do you enjoy any sports?  Maybe being part of an organised social or sporting club or special interest group will align you with other people who share your interests and who can relate to you.

Please stay strong, you have your whole life ahead of you and please continue to seek help.  I wish you the very best and please take care you are special and you do belong

Take care

ignoP

[Daisyv33]

Thanks, that's really nice of you!

[geoff]

dear Daisy, welcome to the site, and I am so pleased that IgnoP has replied to you and offered some comforting advice.

Peer groups at school/uni can be very clicky and can be difficult to join them, let alone for them to accept you and any ideas that you put forward, but when you have to leave due to circumstances beyond your control, they drop you, because they know that someone else will replace you, so I'm really repeating what IgnorP has said, but that doesn't matter because I'm reinforcing what was said.

What the counsellors should be saying to you is what you would like to do, it's OK for them to agree with how you are going because this builds any confidence, but it should go further than this, that's why you can contact your doctor who will also put you on a medicare plan which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist, and if you do then explain to them what has happened when you visited the other counsellor so they don't go down that track.

We want to help as much as we can, so please keep posting. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Dear Daisy,

Hi and welcome to the FAMILY here at BB. I am so pleased you have been able to find this site and I do so hope that you will be encouraged and assisted by the advice and encouragement you read that has been written here especially for you, and also by looking at other sites.

I guess all of us here have our own stories about our  school and  teenage years. My two sisters and I (I am female also) were victimised by other kids at school, as we were the only family in the district not related to everyone else. Even though we were born in the region, our parents weren't.

My sisters and I all learnt various ways to "deal" with the issues, looking back at those days now, none of our ways were very helpful to our emotional state!

The advice you have received on this site is very helpful. I do hope you continue to post here, so we can encourage you, and try to help you along your journey. I like the idea of you trying to join a social group or sport group. Another idea may be to look for another lonely person who would love to have a friend as dear as you are, and you can start from there. I sometimes find trying to break into a clicky group is a little difficult. Starting with one or two people is easier for me.

As a teenager it is really difficult to think you have your whole life ahead of you, when you are right there trying to be a child/young adult in an environment you are having trouble understanding.

Please reach out for help and assistance where ever you can, as long as those places are going to provide you with healthy options. This is a safe place for you to share your thoughts and feelings and know that people here care for you and understand. I also contacted one of the BB people through the 3p.m. 12 a.m. contact available at the top of this site via email and found the person on the other end to be very helpful too.

Dear Daisy, you are a very special person, you would probably be surprised how many people are concerned for you, here in cyber land and also in your real life. I will be thinking of you and hoping you can make tracks and move forward, that you are able to receive the help and advice you need, that you keep us posted as to how you are going, and that you do know people care for you.

Like Geoff wrote, we want to help as much as we can.

Best wishes of happiness to you, from Dools.

[Daisyv33]

Thanks for all your replies! 

[Doolhof]

Dear Daisy,

Hi. Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a little better. I hope you do know that people here care for you, can relate to how you are feeling as far as depression goes, and probably the  loneliness side of life as well.

This coming week I am going to try to reach out to some friends and people I now, and hope you are able to do the same.

Wishing you a feeling of hope and not despair. Kindest regards to you,

From Dools.

[Daisyv33]

I'm sorry i didn't reply to you earlier even though i'm sure i seen your reply. I still go through this depression and anxiety, and when i posted that help...i have to admit that was when i was fed up. I began telling people about it saying stuff like "i've been through the same" and we'll start a conversation online of course about this. Pretty much more people in my class started to know from what i've been keeping in for years, some "tried" to be there but fail. During english class, we had to write a poem and i wrote it based on how i felt. That was when i got caught up with a teacher welfare and having to explain what's been going on for me, i can still picture clear of myself crying to the teacher explaining how difficult it was for me to go through life daily and having to battle this horrible illness.

So she spoke to a few students and to support me, be there and yeh. It lasted for a few weeks, i was back to that lonely, doesn't belong, always forgotten self. I still hang around there, i felt better because people knew now. Soon after that i seeked attention, more people knows and they tried to help. They brought me to a counsellor, it was tough on that day because i afraid to speak out (not typing). My issue isn't completely fixed yet, i still go through this from day to day but i feel less alone on my situation. I'm still being left and i just lost another friendship again with that same person -.- i can remind her many times but she's not going to care. I still remember last year, feeling suicidal. I did my first self harm (or that's what i would call it).

Things are much better, once again, i still go through this from day to day but i feel less alone in my situation. Thanks for all the support guys!

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Doolhof]

Dear Daisy,

It is wonderful to hear from you again. It sounds like things are slightly better for you because you have been able to open up and explain how you are feeling.

So are you still receiving held from the counsellor? If not, then is there any way you can see him/her again or another person? Have you tried phoning some of the help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue or use their webchat. They may be able to provide you with different people you can contact in your area.

Do you have hobbies or interests you can pursue? Are there clubs or something connected to the school that you could join to meet more people?

Friendships and relationships can be difficult at the best of times with people being busy with their own lives and stuff. Maybe you can find another person who is feeling lonely as well and share time with them.

Have you tried writing more poems for your own benefit to get more of your sadness and loneliness out of your system? You could share them here at Beyond Blue, and also try to write some positive poems as well.

It is always constructive when people are able to share what helps them along their journey. You never know what benefit your thoughts and ideas will be to someone else.

Thanks again for getting back to me and to BB in general. Keep in touch.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Daisyv33]

Hi again,

I'm meeting up with my school counsellor soon and i still speak to online counsellors usually every week. I still stay connected with my online friends as they make me feel very happy to be around as well as supportive. I've spend my time also trying to get back in doing things i used to enjoy, not all worked but i guess i kind of had some great time with this...many things had improved since last year and i guess i should have seeked help earlier. Bye and thank you 🙂