There's nothing I like about life.

[Ineedhelp]

I've been getting professional counselling. None of it is helping. I wish I could just move to some quite place in South New Zealand and spend my days alone in some quite peak or small town where I wouldn't have to worry about all this luggage that comes with life. My friends have changed since going to University and have started acting very stuck up. I've deferred from University myself because I have absolutely no ambitions. My first Girlfriend left me right after new years this year, which in itself was a blessing in disguise because I now know what my value is as a person, which is small to none. 

So. Why exactly am I continuing each day suffering, dragging this ball and chain around my ankle. I have no one to wake up to in the morning to make a cup of tea and breakfast for. No one to share my interests with. I'm just sitting here without any friends and no reason to do anything. As Audrey Hepburn said  “When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over.” This is indeed how I feel right now. And you can tell me making friends is easy just be more outgoing, the thing is I have no interest in 'clubbing' or 'parties' or any such social events. I prefer to spend my time quietly at the beach reading a book or at a park enjoying the serenity. And even when I do see someone at the park or beach by themselves I'm often too scared to approach them. I wouldn't even know what to say. What if they thought I was some creep? I'm just stuck in this endless cycle of loneliness. I accept that I'm lonely, and I don't want a circle of friends, I just want one friend I can talk to and hang out with. Otherwise I'm really questioning myself as to why I'm wasting time and resources existing.  

[White_Rose]

Dear I Need Help

I am so glad you have written to this forum.  Many of us wake up each morning and think about managing another day where there is nothing we like.  I appreciate that this probably does not make you feel better to know this.  I write to assure you that it can get better.

Have you been getting counseling for long?  Sometimes it takes while to have an effect because the counselor has to help you find out what is happening or has happened in your life.  What I find amazing is that we often don't know where it all started and until that happens we cannot start repairing ourselves. I hope that's not too dispiriting.

I gather from your post that you must be in your late teens. Please correct me if I am wrong.  It's both an exciting and scary time.  University is an enormous change from school and if you live away from home it can be even more daunting.  Many people have a year off before starting university.  I think it's a great idea, but it depends on the person.  A year off gives you the opportunity to look at where you want to go, and you never know, it may not be university but some other exciting path.

Being on your own at times is fantastic.  The big snag to being alone for long periods is that you can get your life out of proportion without the balance of other people around.  Perhaps you can do both?  Have the occasional few days in 'retreat' to reflect on your life while continuing your daily life activities the rest of the time.

Have you spoken to your GP?  Perhaps it would help if you took some antidepressants.  Obviously only a doctor can determine this.

This is only a short reply and I do not know how long it will take to appear on the site.  It seems to take ages at the moment.  Please continue to talk to the folk on BB.  There are so many people ready to help you in all sorts of ways.

Try to do one thing a day.  It's a fantastic feeling of achievement.

White Rose

[beingbyrne]

You have just described exactly how I feel and have been feeling most of the time since early childhood. The only deference is, gender and age. Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I really feel for you….Hugs

I'm a bit down at the moment and a bit brain dead so I find it difficult to write anything supportive right now, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, I'm with you and White Rose has made a lot of good point to consider.

And thank you for posting, talk to you soon when I feel a bit better.

Take care

[Louise1389]

Hi Ineedhelp,

It takes a lot of courage even to ask these questions sometimes.  I was in my 30s before I was even willing to look at some of the questions you raised, and I've been coping with depression for years before that.   But the important thing I've learned, even when it gets bad, is that it's temporary.  No matter how awful it feels right now, it will & does pass.  White Rose has offered some really good advice so I won't re-iterate it.  Hugs to you and well done on speaking up. 

[Ineedhelp]

Hi White Rose,

I have been getting counselling once a fort night for only a month now. In our last session he told me to see a GP and get anti depressants and to also tell my mum how I've been feeling. I picked up the anti depressants and went home that night and told my mum. She understood but told me it would be better to hold off from them. I undoubtedly agreed I do not believe medications will solve my problems or make them any more bearable. She booked me to see one of her personal psychiatrists for this Tuesday. Also you are right about my age I only turned 19 last week. 

As for my distress there is no way I can pin point where it is coming from. My life has had more downs than ups. What I'm feeling is very convoluted. I have no problem being alone, but if I'm going to be alone I want to be completely alone, away from this concrete jungle of Sydney. There is nothing I enjoy about this place and I just want to be somewhere I haven't been before, where I wont run into people I know, sort of like a fresh start kind of thing. Also in terms of University I don't live away from home I still live in a home with my parents. And don't get me wrong I love my family and my home but I just don't want to be here any more. But a friend or two to share experiences with and to talk to would also do me great, but like I said I don't mind being completely alone but if I did make a genuine friend I think that would be a start to picking myself up. 

And beingbyrne I understand you fully on the brain dead part, My mum came home today and asked me some questions and I was so out of it in my own thoughts I could barely get a sentence out. I hope you do feel better, I know how difficult it can be to even type out a paragraph when feeling this way so I really do appreciate your post.

And thank you as well White Rose, It brings me a bit of hope to see that there are people out there who care and take the time to reach out a hand to others. I don't see that a lot. 

[White_Rose]

It's great to hear from you I Need Help.  Can we shorten your name at all?  Perhaps INH?

I am so pleased you were able to talk to your mother and that she wants to support you.  Do you need a referral from your GP to see a psychiatrist?  I ask because without that you will not be able to claim a Medicare refund and psychiatrists are expensive.

Before you throw away the meds talk to the psych about them.  As I said before, the meds will probably not 'cure' you but they can help to make you feel better while you get on with the job of becoming well again.  I too have strong feelings about taking medication.  I hate it and struggled against it continually until about a year ago. I finally realised It helps me to be a little more settled and allows me to spend more energy working on the stuff I need to help me back to being the person I used to be.

Once you have had a a few discussions with your psych you may feel able to get a job away from home.  Somewhere seasonable like the ski slopes perhaps.  New scenery and people and a different way of life. Nothing like the mountains to put your life in perspective.

My children were all eager to move away when they left school although they did not go immediately.  And they were always welcomed back, as I am sure you will be if you go away.  Loving your family does not necessarily mean you want see them or be with them every day.

it sounds as though you are getting some supports in place which is great.  Use them all.  I once commented to my GP that I did not like to dump all my problems on the psych.  Her reply was, "That's what they're there for, that's their job.  Use them to get better."   So I stopped feeling guilty and started to work with him properly.  So go for it my friend.  I hope you can get back to us when you have seen the psych, or before if you wish.

Friends are like buses.  You wait for ages to catch one then two come at once.  Get on board with both.

Regards and hugs.

WR

[Ineedhelp]

Hi Louise, I hope it's only temporary. It feels like I know what I want to make me get better but I'm just not able to achieve it. I have barely any money in my name to go to where I want. 

I haven't thrown the meds away WR, just have them in safe keeping just incase. But If I were able to get a job somewhere far from here on a ski slope that would make me feel better. I don't want to leave to assert independence or anything like that, I just want to be away from it all. Do a hard days work, come home, have a cup of tea and read a book without any stresses or worries. I just don't know how to achieve that. It's difficult finding a job as it is here in Sydney to get myself started on some money for leaving. I don't even have any qualifications. 

And the reason I came for support was because I once heard a saying "Depression is like falling down a deep dark well, and you fall down that well and a rock falls onto your leg and breaks it. And you look up and see a very very small light at the top of the well and you have three options. You can either try and slowly and painfully crawl out of that well with your broken leg until you reach the top, or you can sit in the well and suffer until your broken legs slowly starts to heal, or you can scream as loud as you can for help until someone hears you and gets you all the help you need to get you out of that well." So I decided to stop suffering in silence and look for help. So far it hasn't worked a whole lot but I haven't lost faith that it might work. 

As for friends, I'm prepared to wait for the right ones to come along. 

Thank you again for your support Louise and WR I appreciate it. 

[Ineedhelp]

Just a quick update, I spoke to my mums psychiatrist and while he said he would not help me with my emotions since I have a counsellor for that, he said we could try and organise a game plan. We both agreed that anti depressants should be used a last resort, because taking anti depressants alone will not help me get better unless I'm in an environment and mind set of trying to get better, so instead we agreed upon getting a gym membership and establishing a routine of exercise to release natural endorphins.

However I deleted my Facebook a week ago and have isolated myself from quite a lot of people. Not because I hate them, just because I don't think they would understand and just ask me lots of questions and make me feel even more cornered. I'm not going to lie being a 'loner' is actually quite peaceful, it feels like there are less expectations and more time to do the things I like to do. And now it feels like I'm not really 'waiting' for the right friend to come around, I feel as though I'll just let it happen when the time is right. 

I am still seeking a job and my mum has offered me support in what I'm currently feeling and want to do, She said a trip to New Zealand would be good for me so now it's just a matter of finding a job and saving for it. And while I still have no ambition, and I'm still feeling quite apathetic toward almost everything and everyone I think I'm slowly beginning to realise that in time I might start enjoying the little things one by one. Even if it's only that smell after it rains, or that feeling when as soon as you get to a traffic light it turns green or that feeling of sleeping on freshly washed sheets. I think I'll just start small and take it slowly from there otherwise I might fall back to square one. 

Anyway I just felt like leaving an update, I feel better when talking with the Beyond Blue community. 

[White_Rose]

Hello INH

So glad you are still posting.  You sound a lot more positive in your last post which is great.  Baby steps, one at a time.  It does take while to get there, but small steps are the way to go.

The NZ trip sounds good.  Meanwhile, what about contacting one of the ski resorts to see if they need staff?  You don't need to be qualified as a ski instructor or anything like that.  Working in a restaurant or bar still brings in the wage.  This may help to fund your NZ trip later on.

The gym option is terrific.  I go to a class twice a week and although I am exhausted afterwards it does feel good.  My classes are run by a physiotherapist or exercise therapist so I know I am in safe hands with my exercises.

Deleting Facebook sounds positive if you are only getting negative remarks.  I have to admit I don't know exactly how it works despite my children trying to explain it to me.

Staying away from negative people generally is also useful.  When you are struggling the last thing you need is someone, who basically knows nothing about your feelings and what is going on, to tell you how hopeless you are.

It sounds as though you are getting some good support and I hope that continues. I expect to hear further good news in the coming days and weeks.  Please keep in touch via this website.

Warm regards

White Rose.

[homer_thompson]

Hey INH,

Good news.. sounds like progress. I'm just posting to say how much I enjoyed reading your "likes", I really think you nailed some of the finer things in life lol. If you can keep focused on that stuff, it does start to add up.

Take it easy, catch up soon.