All of this is very new to me so i'll start with a bit of back story,
I'm a 22 year old female, since early childhood the concept of sadness
has been no stranger to me but I've always chalked it up financial
issues and circumstances. A year and a hal...
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All of this is very new to me so i'll start with a bit of back story,
I'm a 22 year old female, since early childhood the concept of sadness
has been no stranger to me but I've always chalked it up financial
issues and circumstances. A year and a half ago i quit my full time job
in fast food because it was making me miserable and my boyfriend offered
to support me for what we thought would be temporary. For 8 months I
almost constantly indulged in marijuana, still unemployed, convincing
myself that I needed it until I switched to synthetic cannabis in a
misguided but legal attempt to change my ways, I went on like this for
another 6 months until one day I was doing the dishes and I had an
anxiety attack, after going to the doctor and the hospital and
contacting drug helplines I found out that the synthetic drug was the
cause and I stopped it completely. I then started to go through
strenuous withdrawal symptoms which include regular anxiety. As my
withdrawal started to fade away i immediately got the flu, and after
that passed my current issues started to begin, i became constantly
tired, often very confused, finding myself having trouble understanding
the simplest of things and then later realising just how simple it
really was, i started to have random pains in my body, a fever when i
tried to complete simple actions, short bursts of headaches, constant
need to eat but with a weight loss of 7 kilos. I dread leaving the
house, thinking everyone's judging me or my bus will crash or the person
sitting behind me will rip out my neck piercing. I shut myself in my
room all day long every day, just watching tv show after tv show to keep
myself out of my head. i've been feeling miserable almost constantly, I
feel like i cry easier than a baby and once i start it's so hard to
stop. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I feel too tired and too
weak to try, but I just thought I was sick and that my depleted mood was
just a side effect of whatever that was. I've been to a local gp a few
times but so far we haven't found anything wrong with me, I never
mentioned how sad i've been feeling because I kept thinking I was sad
because I didnt have a job or because I was sick. I feel worthless and
like I can't do anything right, like there's no point in trying because
I'll always fail, like if I try to see my friends i'll just bore them or
annoy them or say something wrong and i'll lose them, like if I talk to
my family they'll never understand, like everything is my fault and I'm
just a failure and I've wasted myself on indulgences and there's nothing
left. My brain never turns off and my thoughts are rarely positive, so I
started to think maybe I'm not sad because I'm sick, maybe I've been
sick because I'm depressed. So i did a little internet searching and
found this site. I'd been reading through it secretly for hours these
past few days and I found a lot of things resonated with me. I don't
know what's wrong with me now and I am so confused, I have so many
questions running through my mind like am I depressed? Am I just a
little ill? Have I always had a problem and just numbed it was harmful
drugs and alcohol abuse? i realise I've rambled on quite a bit, there's
so much stuff in my head and i wanted to force some of it out. If you
read through all of this along with a thank you for listening what I
really want is some advice, where do I go from here, does it sound like
depression ( or am I just completely wrong in looking here for advice)
and if I need to ask for help how to I get past the fear?
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