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I just don't know what to do anymore.

Community Member

I'm new to this, so really I do not know how it works.

 Im 17, trying to cope with the pressures of OP subjects as well as many out of school crap.

My brother is 22 this year, and he was born with Asperger spectrum disorder. I'm not completely sure what it is, but he has episodes where he will yell and scream, he threatens to hurt others and kill himself. He will throw things, put holes in things, hurt people. We have had police and ambulance around many times to take him to the mental section of the hospital. I have had to witness horrific things in my childhood, and so had my 14 year old brother. We have had to lock ourselves in a room and listen to him pushing my parents around, the sound of screaming, crying, banging, and crashing still haunt me. He has never hurt me, I am the only one who can talk to him, but I am still absolutely terrified of him. 

One day I had a little party at my mothers while she was away. I went for a walk and when I came back, my brother was there with a goon bag. He seemed fine, and I wanted to trust him being there with us. I aloud him to drink with us. My friends all eventually went home except two. It was just me, my two friends and my brother. He was highly intoxicated at this stage, and so were we. He began to become greatly agitated  and stupid. I tried to get him out. He grabbed mums keys and tried to drive out, I sat on the bonit to prevent him, he still tried to drive with me sitting on the car. My mate pulled me off and tried to take the keys off him. I ran down the street to cry and breath. I remember turning around and my brother was threatening my friend. I ran back and pushed them apart and screamed at him to leave. My friend ran away and my brother followed. I was left worried about what was going to happen to them both. I eventually found my friend and just broke down on the ground hyper ventilating. We went home, i though it was over. I sat on my lounge room floor crying "I can't do this any more . Then my brother walked in, he told me he was sorry and that he was going to kill himself. I said, you go I go. Until he told me he wouldn't. Than he left. By this stage we were all a mess. My other friend than decided to write us both suicide letters than run out of the house. I ran outside and screamed at the top of my luyngs "JESSE, GO GET JESS, SHE WANTS TO KILL HERSELF" we both bolted down the street and around the block, i collapsed. Dropped to the ground, i couldn't breath. I was done. I tried to scream for help but no one heard me. I got to them and we all cried on the side of the road. Than the worst came, my brother had the car, and i saw him going as fast as the car possibly could towards a building, that was it, i jumped in front of the car. if he was going I was coming with. My friend pulled me by the arm and i fell in his lap, punching him screaming "Let me die, I just want to die, I cant do this any more . Jesse called the police immediately  My brother stopped and came to us, i went belistic at him, I said get  home now and wait for me. I convinced him police were not coming. When they arrived I simply said "I'm sorry". He ran out the back door down the street, i screamed to police he went out the back, get him. I walked out the back and fell on the road, Jesse told the police to get me to the hospital, call an ambulance, she has been hyperventilating all night. They thought I was fine. The police finally got him. That night all that went through my mind was death, that's all I wanted. My friends screamed at me, and shook me "Get out of this faze, stop bec, come back". They put me to bed, and I woke up the next day the same. I told my parents everything, they thought I was fine. I was depressed before this but after this night, I was suicidal.

I also have issues with mum. She has had numerous relationships since she divorced my father when i was 4. Each one is different, one had epilepsy, some were abusive to my brothers, one was a pervert, an alcoholic, and others just regular men. I was over it. Her latest is 22 years older than her. I went on holiday with him, my mum and little brother. I had just found out my grandmother had parkinsons disease. The whole holiday i argued with mum, over not wanting her boyfriend to spend money on me, not to cause a scene in a 5 star restaurant, and the final one was i wasn't going to finish dinner. This argument caused her to go off, than her boyfriend did. He got right in my face and screamed "your a selfish little bitch, stop treating your mother like shit" I just replied with "Your not my f**king father". I ran to my room and broke down on the phone to my dad. My mum aloud it and agreed with him. I heard him bitching to her about me to my mum, "she's a little princess" (sarcasticly). I grabbed my shoes and ran away. I ran through a dark forest to the beach. Fell to the ground screaming, i knew no one could hear me. She knew I was depressed yet she aloud me to feel like that. I came back and didn't speak to any more that night, the next day, or even for weeks. She than moved in with him. She had only knew him for 3 months and once again he was priority number 1. 

My depression had become really bad and for months my treatment was postponed. My dad has had to pay for school, doctors, and other necessities. He is my hero. 

My brother stopped talking to me for 4 months, apparently i tried to get him sent to jail. 

My bestfriend blocked me out of his life for no good reason. 

My other bestfriend found her boyfriend more important, and I was fighting with my stepsister who was one of my closest people.

I was so alone, I couldn't talk to my dad, or little brother because the advice wasn't helping. I sat in my room in the dark every night and cried for a couple of weeks. My concentration dropped, and is still really bad today. The stress of trying to pass school with OP, and teachers breathing down my neck, makes everything worse. I run out of classes crying. I can't deal with it any more  I have close friends I can talk to now, but with my mental thinking I don't want to worry them or annoy them, so I keep everything to myself. I have been on anti-depressants for a month, they aren't working. They make me feel mentally awkward. I can't be around people. Im so behind at school and I know I have 6 months left of school forever, but these will be the hardest to go. Everyday I scare myself and everyone around me, I do not want to be here any more  I want it to be the future already, out of school, my own career, away from everything bringing me down. 

I know people may not read this, but my doctor thought it was a smart idea. It may not help, but I want to know I'm not alone. 

If you spent the time, to read this, thank you.

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Dear Rebecca,

Just takes a day to get your magnificent post updated by the moderators and then someone like myself can respond.   Then you can keep responding or picking off points till the cows come home.   The only drawback of such a long post is that some will be put off reading it all but then you can tell by the Views how many have simply given up early or maybe read it but don't feel like they can say anything.   It's a pretty complicated situation.   I couldn't tell if you're still living with you mum or your hero dad stepped in.  But the rest was fine to understand.

You.  Have.  Been.  Through.  More.  Than.  Most.  The constant relationship worries about your mum, your autistic/Aspergers brother and so on.   Where the hell does school slot into all this ?  I mean, seriously,  how are you supposed to complete your HSC in the next term or two ?  What is the point of your life ?  What are you goals ?  What are your hobbies ?  What are you gonna do if the next outbreak of anxiety and suicidal ideation occurs during week 2 of your exams ?

The first thing you should do is organise the form that identies excessive family stress  (just a GP, psychiatrist, counselor letter & HSC admin form).    This is really worth doing - my kids did it.  It basically means that the trauma you are experiencing (with me it was being a bipolar cranky dad) gets factored into your result.   A final ATAR of 86% will be improved on.   You'll actually get an extra 10% from this stress notification.  So it'll become 96%.  Which makes the difference between a course you want being available and you not cutting it.

The second thing you might consider is to take a gap year.    I don't think it's possible for study to merge from school to college/university unless things are a bit more balanced.  My son made the first semester but he's postponing the second one because his depression has come back.   With uni it's the same - you just need the signatures of course heads and a medical cert for a "no fault" deferment.

The third thing you could do is try and anticipate.    So when you are on a date with the new boyfriend of mum and mum (playing "happy families") expect that they will be trying to make you accept them.  Predict that by the second cause you will want to eat the table and throw yourself through the nearest window if the creepy boyfriend tells you off.  Instead of "You're not my dad" you could say "You can't control me".   Which is true legally and emotionally.  Cos one day he may actually be your step dad so go with the control issue cos it will cover this situation too.  Sometimes deadpan delivery of your rights will really freak out an adult more than just screaming and throwing him under the desert trolley.  Be cool.   Be in control.   It's OK to be a princess when you're 17.   Buy a plastic tiara and really piss him off.

Sitting on the bonnet of the car to stop your Aspergers brother driving it dangerously !  Wow !   Crying in solitary silence/spending time in the forest.  All this would be fine if you were in a Tom Cruise action movie where they have to steal his brain back from Mr Potatoe Head (Lol).   But, you're 17, fancy free and able to tell me who One Direction are and why Halle Berry is having a kid at 46.  You are allowed to be yourself, play around with friends, seek some enjoyment and yet most of the time it seems you are Policewoman Bec or Security Sarah.  Your childhood has had to deal with so much that you don't know what to do anymore.  [Note: only took me 6 paragraphs to interpret your thread's title !]

My only suggestion would be to take up a dance studio or running so that your mind can relax from the family stresses.    You can't look after anyone in the family if you don't look after yourself first.  Aspergers is basically high range autism combined with anxiety.   Not much is being filtered by the brain although neuroscience has recently identified that the left and right hemispheres of the brain CAN be connected using using music so there is some Aspergers "help" finally.   I just got diagnosed Aspergers which is weird as I'm a composer.  So I must have a block within a block.     The fact that your Aspergers brother wants to socialise (even though it has lead to disastrous results) is actually a big plus.   Most autistic sufferers remain anti social and don't like change.  I worked with autistic adults and it would be hard just to organise a BBQ in the State Forest.   If anyone sat in the wrong seat on the minibus we could be up to 2 or 3 hrs late back.

You have a really amazing story and power of description.  Maybe all these bad experiences are gonna turn you out to be one very resiliant and savvy girl.  Plus your tolerance level would be higher than Ghandi.   I hope the "I just want to die" feelings don't get triggered by HSC stress.  "I just want a pie" might be better.  And if you're on that bonnet of the car you can always get the pie warmed up.  Or just try strapping your mum's new boyfriend permanently to the bonnet - tell him it's just the planking rage and he might win an internet prize.  Plus it'll prove how cool he really is.  Like.  Sure.   Pull the other one.  I'm thinking you could probably milk or manipulate that situation more than the new boyfriend.  He won't know what hit him.  But the wall will.

Adios, David.

PS   Sorry if this sounds a bit wacky but I'm a jazz composer.  Tell your Doctor it was a good suggestion to post on Beyondblue.  Your memory is 100%.

Community Member

Dear Rebecca,

Are you OK ?  Only a few weeks left till term ends.     I used to work with autistic young adults and unless you really knew some of their triggered behaviours it was just impossible to go out into the public without something bad happening.   Maybe your brother with Apergers has some routine stuff that gives him peace of mind but any extra pressure is going to crack this routine badly.  You would be more of a referee than sister in this case.

You need eyes at the back of your head,  It's very volatile.

Adios, David.