I just need a place to vent right now. I just wanted to write the main
events that I believe have caused my depression. I'm 18, I finished high
school last year and I've lived with my grandparents most of my life
except for when I moved to live with ...
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I just need a place to vent right now. I just wanted to write the main
events that I believe have caused my depression. I'm 18, I finished high
school last year and I've lived with my grandparents most of my life
except for when I moved to live with my mum for about 3 years because I
couldn't stand living with my grandparents for any longer. I didn't know
it then but my mum was horrible too. She was a massive alcoholic, pot
smoker with anger issues. When she would get drunk (which was almost
every night) she would either start on me or my eldest brother and call
us all the names under the sun, this happened on both my brother and my
birthdays. On my 15th birthday she cornered me in my brothers room and
was telling me what a horrible person I was. I ran to my friends house
and stayed there that night and when I got home she said sorry and asked
for a hug like nothing had happened, I couldn't forget it. On my
brother's 18th birthday she done the same thing, only we had a backyard
full of people and she completely belittled him in front of all his
family and friends. The following year she decided to take the family to
dreamworld for my 16th birthday. She said it would be a family thing,
then about 3 weeks before we went she got a boyfriend, and everything
turned worse. She brought him to queensland with me and my little
brother and someone who I thought was my best friend. The day we went to
dreamworld as soon as we got there her and her boyfriend ran off and
left me with my 4 year older little brother and "best friend". Shortly
after that my best friend told me she wanted to go for a walk while we
were sitting down having lunch, she then asked my little brother if he
wanted to go with her because she was going to an arcade or something,
and told me to mind all the food and drinks. I was left alone for about
2 hours in that one spot, on my birthday. I feel like I'm acting really
spoilt when I say it like that, I want to clarify that I don't mean that
in an "everything should be about me" kind of way. At the end of the day
mum and her boyfriend got angry at me for being upset about the day,
then said we were staying another night and coming back the next day,
the next day the exact same thing happened. I'm not even going to
describe the events that happened throughout the rest of the year, they
were just all the same. Mum gets drunk, scream at me or my brother (who
moved to our other grandparents house halfway through the year), we cry,
she passes out. In May 2012 it was probably the worst month of my entire
life. Mum had got her knickers in a knot after I had pointed out to her
that she had been putting more effort into keeping her boyfriend happy
and impressed than she had for the rest of the family (me and my younger
brother). She was angry for a whole week and that weekend I called my
grandparents and asked if I could stay over there for the weekend (Mum
hates them) and mum was really angry that I wanted to willingly go over
there. I had to get her to drop me off at the bus stop so I could go
there but because she was too busy smoking cones, she dropped me off at
the bus stop late and I missed the bus. I'd left my phone at home
because I was distracted by an argument we'd had when she was cramming
in about 3 cones and I was saying we were late, so I could call her to
tell her I'd missed the bus. My grandparents knew the time the bus was
supposed to get in and got all worried when I didn't get off the bus. I
had to wait at the bus stop for about 4 hours for another bus and when I
finally got to my grandparents house they were crying and were about to
call the police and they had been on the phone to mum and they told me I
should call mum to tell her that I was there, so I did. When I called
her she started abusing me about how much of an idiot I was, how I was a
disgrace, how I should have walked to find a pay phone, and no matter
what answer I gave her she just called me more names and I ended up
hanging up the phone and breaking down. I was sitting outside with my
grandparents crying about how I hated my life (I NEVER cry to anyone, no
one ever understands, and neither did my grandparents) but I asked if I
could move back to live with them and they said yeah. I was still
considering it though when I went home and on the Monday when mum was
driving me to the bus stop to catch the bus to school we had an argument
and I told her that I'd asked them if I could move back which she didn't
take well, she told me that I "shouldn't bother coming home" that
afternoon and should just go straight to my grandparents place, which I
did. I had nothing but my school uniform and school bag and when they
called her to ask if they could come over and get some of my clothes
from there but she refused. It wasn't until the weekend that she finally
let them come over to get some of my clothes, which she gave them a time
frame of 3 minutes to get as much as they could or she would call the
police and say they had forcibly entered. My grand parents were 63 and
70 years old. When they asked when they could get the rest of my things
she said in a couple of week and that they would have to bring a police
officer with them because she was afraid that they would be violent.
When they took the police officer around there with them, she hid in the
under house garage the entire time while her idiot boyfriend ran out
there the second the the police wagon showed up and said "What ever
these people told you is a lie!" the police officer wasn't even at the
station when my grandparents went there to get one. The boyfriend then
told the police that my grandpa had tried to run my mum over with his
car. Which he hadn't, he's her father. The boyfriend was just telling
lies the whole time my grandparents were getting the rest of my stuff
which mum had just piled in the middle of the loungeroom floor, no
regards if anything broke, which a lot had. After that whole fiasco,
everything settled down for about a week, but I was really depressed at
school and on the following Friday I had a massive break down in the
library to my year adviser (who was sooo sooo understanding) and he
organized me an appointment with the school counsellor, which didn't
really help. That Sunday, one of my close school friends comitted
suicide. I've never experienced anybody close to me dying, except for my
dad, who died when i was 8 months old so I can't remember him, or
anything about him at all. So my friend was the first close person to me
that had died, and I really felt it. I felt so horrible for months. I
couldn't handle everything that had happened, and it's still really
hard. Nothing major like all that has happened since then, but since my
mood went down then, it hasn't gone back up. I haven't seen/spoken to my
mum since she told me to not go home that afternoon and I'm still living
with my grandparents, who just make it worse. They don't understand the
concept of depression, they don't understand the concept of anything.
I'm doing a tafe course now, it finished at the end of this year, and
the only times I am even slightly happy is when I'm either at tafe with
people I like, or listening to my favourite band. The only problem with
tafe is that I have absolutely no motivation to do any of the
assessments I've been given. I've started smoking again, I'm sleeping in
until 2pm every day I'm not at tafe and when I'm awake, I sit on my
laptop with my earphones in. Earlier this month I wrote a letter to
myself on a night I was feeling particularly down. "Dear Self, You’ve
decided to write this to yourself because you weren’t feeling too happy
at this time. You hope you can read this again later on in perhaps a
couple of years where hopefully you are happy, not troubled like how you
are feeling right now. You feel like you’re getting stuck. Stuck in this
tiny town, all your friends have moved or live in a town further away.
You never leave the house. Your day consists of waking up, making a cup
of tea, watching Supernatural, listening to the GazettE, making more tea
throughout the day then sleeping again at about 12am. You do this on
every day that you don’t have to go to TAFE. You feel like you’re
getting more and more depressed with each day that passes. You feel
lonely, you don’t want to go out even if you have a chance to, and you
don’t want to talk to your family because they frustrate you by just
talking to you. When you’re at home, you never smile, you never laugh,
you’re never happy. The only time you’re happy is when you’re at TAFE
with people who you like. At TAFE, you’re scared of failing. You want to
finish all your work but you literally have no motivation, even for this
group assignment that you have to write the dialogue for, you haven’t
done it. People are relying on you to do this. You’re scared of what
will happen once you finish your TAFE courses. You want to be a travel
agent, but you are having second thoughts about it. Maybe you’re too
unorganized to be a travel agent; maybe you could find another job in
tourism. You want to move out. You have one place that you would be
welcome to move to, a friend's house in Melbourne. But you’re scared
that you will end up jobless like him and living off the dole. He is
happy with that life, you are not. You want to do something, you have
ambitions. You want to get a job and earn money to move to Brisbane, but
you want to have references and work experience in a travel agent before
you move, but no where will accept you. You’re very overwhelmed by
everything at the moment. You feel weak, it’s been a year and 6 days
since your friend passed away and you’ve felt down because of that also.
You’re not completely sure why you’re writing this, but you think that
when your life starts to get better, you can read this and think of how
it was all such silly things to feel stressed over. You’re trying to
stay strong. You’re hoping that when you read this again, you are in a
better state of mind, that you are happy, and living out of where you
are now, as a travel agent in a city. You want yourself to know, that if
you are reading this after years, if you are doing it rough, or are
feeling down, that even though you feel horrible now, the future will
get better, you’re writing that although at this very moment as this was
written, you don’t fully believe it. You think it will just get harder.
But if you’re feeling like this as you’re reading this, just remember,
you have been through it before. And you will make it through it again.
You will be happy one day, an unconditional happiness and nothing will
worry you. You will have a stable home, and maybe your own family. This
is just a rough patch. You’ve started smoking again, you know you
shouldn’t and you’re paranoid of your grandparents finding out and
getting angry at you, but you need another vice. You have two now; music
and smoking. Music seems to be the only thing that makes you happy now
and even that is painful because the lyrics are starting to actually get
to you; the lyrics are one of two things what are keeping you alive
right now. You could so very easily just end it, but you’re a coward.
You’re scared of what is on the other side; you’re scared of there being
no music there, what if it’s just darkness, a pitch blackness with no
one and nothing but yourself. So you tell yourself lately: “Tomorrow
does not disappear, don't kill yourself…” — Tomorrow Never Dies by The
GazettE Live by these lyrics. Even if the going gets tough, remember
that tomorrow never dies. " I feel horrible now that I read that.
Especially the lyrics. I don't believe it. Everything just doesn't feel
worth it. I don't want to go to the doctors because to do that, I'd have
to ask my grandparents to take me, and they're nosey and wouldn't leave
me alone until I told them why I was going, then they wouldn't believe
it. My grandparents are so close minded. They are fake people, they have
this image that they believe they have to uphold. They seem to get angry
at me at the tiniest things, for example, tonight both of them went off
their heads at me because I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like eating my
grandma's home made sausage rolls. After they went off at me they
continued to sit at the dinner table and discuss how horrible I am, that
i'm wasting my life on my computer, how I never want to talk to them and
how I'm sleeping the days away. They talk about me like I'm not in the
room "She's sleeping too much, I'm going to take her laptop away from
her". I can't take it. They're too much. But there is nothing I can do
to get away, I have no job, no where will hire me, I don't get enough
money from centrelink a fortnight to move out, I can't move out with
anyone because all my friends have moved to queensland for uni and it's
just too difficult. I don't really expect any replies to this. But I
needed somewhere to vent. Sorry that it started to sound a bit like an
autobiography.
Eeep! When study is overwhelming! - Tips, ideas and coping strategies
