My story/Knowing where to get help.

[Catlady]

Hi guys,

I am new to Beyond Blue and have decided to try and get my head around everything and try and get help. I think the main thing for me is having other people around me who understand what is going on and may be willing to help. I have a wonderful support network around me but I don't think they understand completely what is going on in my head.

Well, here goes. I'm in my mid-20s and a uni graduate who has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, depression and panic disorder. To sum me up, my personality is strong willed, quite sociable and bold but inside I feel weak, have low self confidence, am emotionally depressed and numb, feel worthless and feel like I'm in such emotional pain all the time. I feel anxious and on edge pretty much all the time.I started feeling depressed early in life but nothing was ever done up till recently to help me out. I was relentlessly bullied all throughout my school life and never sought any help for this despite all the pain, rejection and my tarnished self-confidence. I cried a lot during school and there were a few occasions where I self harmed and decided I didn't want to live anymore.

Thankfully I got through my turbulent school years without ever getting help from a trained professional. I decided to study an area in human services because I wanted to help others who had been bullied. Things seemed to fall into place after a while when I went to university and started to have a new found confidence. This was because I was doing very well at university - gaining new friends, socialising, getting good grades. I had a great boyfriend for a few years who was very kind and supportive. After a while though, I burnt myself out with my thesis and ended up not spending enough time with him. On his side though, he was unemployed and didn't seem to be showing any signs of getting his act together. We broke up and I was depressed and devastated. This is where cracks were starting to appear in my apparent new found happiness. Eventually I graduated with an honours degree and decided to go on a long awaited holiday. Unfortunately, the holiday was caught short when I was caught up in a natural disaster overseas. I had to leave all the friends I found overseas because of this traumatic event and never got the chance to come to terms with my losses. I have moved on with my life now but still feel a sense of loss or grief when I think of it. This is when my anxiety and panic started to spiral out of control. I always had gotten the feeling that something was wrong with me but I was never diagnosed and couldn't put my finger on it. The world felt like a miserable and out of control place and I resented and still do resent the lack of control I have.

I then came back to Australia after 4 months overseas and decided to get on with it and find a new job. I found a job within 3 weeks of returning and never got to work through my trauma and grief. The job I had seemed good at first but then I realised that it was incredibly stressful and that the workplace was cliquey, judgemental and blaming when something went wrong. This was the kind of workplace where everything that can go wrong in a day does. Because I'm a perfectionist, I didn't cope with this work environment too well but continued on until I started to lose motivation and eventually my sanity. I quit after less than a year and I was close to wanting to go out and commit suicide but it was only the belief of my family and my new boyfriend that kept me going. I decided to seek professional help. This was a big step for me - someone very stubborn who never liked admitting weakness and seeking out help. But I did it, and felt better for a while. I got myself a job I loved and started to see the beauty of life again. Then sadly, I got laid off after 5 months. I took it very badly and again wanted to die. Again, I went to see a psychologist and then went for another trip overseas to escape from everything, including myself. It was a lonely and isolating experience being overseas without my boyfriend and family. It wasn't all bad and I had some amazing experiences but I just wanted to go home.

I am now in a new job which is very rewarding (although a bit stressful) but I just had my hours cut last week to almost nothing (one shift a week) and I am again confronting feelings of not being good enough, low self confidence, poor motivation and rejection. I love this job and things seemed to be getting on track again till I had an anxiety issue at work. I decided to inform my supervisor so I could stamp out these problems early on and nip them in the bud. Unfortunately, I think this changed her behaviour towards me and she now treats me as though I'm weak. I think she cut my hours because of these issues even though they aren't affecting my work performance. I am so upset and feel betrayed. I am in a financially bad situation and soon won't be able to afford to pay my rent. I feel a real sense of dejection and have zero motivation to even go out and get a new job and get my life on track. In the past at university, I was a highly motivated student and although I epxerienced anxiety and being down from time to time, nothing ever stopped me from wanting to live my life to the full and have a fulfilling life. Now I am just a totally different person - I have lost the will to care, to plan for the future and have really lost the will to live. This makes me feel guilty because I have an amazing partner and family but they don't understand what I'm going through. I am severely depressed but they just seem to think I'll "come right". "You'll come right", they say - I'm in such a bad frame of mind that I will not come right on my own and need help.

I need professional help to overcome my personal demons and my poor sense of self worth and try and make myself feel like a normal person again. I think I need some really deep work which will look into my issues of the past and deconstruct a lot of my negative personal beliefs. But I need a good psychologist for that, one that really does understand my past and where I need to go. Where does one start in this journey? I eat well, exercise well and get out and have exciting hobbies but it still doesn't cure my debilitating anxiety and depression. I need guidance, support and someone who really understands where I am coming from. What do I do now? I feel helpless and need to know where to start. Thanks for listening.

[twistnchurn]

Let me begin by saying i understand where you're coming from, a few hurdles in your head which people don't understand. I get the "theres nothing wrong with you" all the time from family and friends, and quite frankly at times i dont even know if i make sense anymore, so unsure of myself.

Your situation seems to be from a root cause ricocheting into other areas. I believe that the belief system is the root cause to anxiety and panic attacks, in turn, depression. I also believe we can shape and form beliefs as much as we think we're stuck.
Anxiety , on my journey is fear related, false evidence appearing real. What you believe is fearful your body will get into fight or flight as a survival tactic, over time anxiety happens so frequently with ones body you forget your initial fear and start having anxiety attacks about anxiety!

Great that you're exercising, eating well and staying active. Don't workout according to time, workout according to sweat and intensity. I walk until i get a brief sweat and then i start running to release toxins and get blood flowing.

I recommend facing your fears, on my journey i've felt most content and relieved doing things i feared most. You wouldn't believe what they are. I have still yet to do what i fear most. And i don't want to screw it up when i do face it, so i made a pact to myself that i will be the best version of me that i can be when i do so.

Seeing a shrink(psychologist) is a waste of time for me, they beat around the bush and dig up more crap. You do feel better after you see one, only temporarily because you let out some steam, if any.  Whereas if i had someone spit out what i just told you, back in the early days, i think i would've been okay. But anyway, the longer the sorrow the better the burrow. I'm just happy I've come to realized it.

It is my opinion and what i've come to realize on my journey(as i call it). And if you do wrap your head around what i have said then you will see things with a brighter light. You will connect the dots, fulfill your own questions and start your quest.

im still learning, growing and becoming the best version of myself. hope I've helped.
Dantux

[Catlady]

Thanks mate. I appreciate what you're saying. My only issue is that I face many things that I fear and they always seem to make my anxiety worse over time. If I did things and they didn't make my fears worse I would keep doing them. How does one make sense of this? It just seems as though my fight or flight system is in massive overdrive at the moment and I don't know how to reduce my emotional intensity. Anyone have any ideas in terms of herbal supplements, stategies, approaches? My functionality in life is becoming worse and worse and I need some help. Got myself booked in for counselling which is great. A first step in the right direction. I just need to do everything I can to get myself right. I am feeling happier this week which is good, my anxiety is the real killer.