A bit of help from anyone please :/

[Samantha11]

Hi everyone

I really didn't know where else to turn to or who to talk to and I remembered beyond blue and found this forum and thought it might be the best place to start and get advice so if anyone has any thoughts it'd be much appreciated

Not exactly sure where to start now haha 
Well a bit about me is that I'm 19 now and an only child and to just say it straight, I have no idea what's going on with me 

Every day just seems like such a chore and frankly, nearly every night I lie in bed pretty much hoping that I won't wake up because I don't want to deal with it all
I can remember as far back as grade 6 when I thought my parents didn't love me or something because they'd always fight and argue. They still do argue quite a bit, and my dad has anger issues so when he gets angry he gets these fits where he loses control and hits anything and anyone around him. I don't think there's a single week where my parents don't argue and I didn't really tell anyone until I got into high school and I was telling one of my friends and a teacher overheard and told me I should speak to a counsellor. And so I went counselling throughout grade 7 and 8 and to be honest, it didn't help much at all. I used to write heaps - stories, essays, poems - and loved art! Basically, I loved studying because it was sort of a distraction from everything going on at home and yea I liked going to school because it wasn't home as well.

There was one person I'd tell everything to though, my best friend who was also my age and I'd known him ever since we were little. He was pretty much my brother. In year 8, my parents made me sit a scholarship exam and I didn't want to because I liked my previous school and it gave me somewhere to be, but they told me I only had to sit the exam and that I could choose if I wanted to go or not. My parents focused on 'preparing' me for the exam so much so that my mum told me that she'd take poison if I didn't get in. Of course, I'm not sure if she meant it but it wasn't a risk I wanted to take either. Ultimately the whole 'choice' of going to the scholarship school didn't even come into play when I did get in and I went there for 4 years, not liking it one bit and asking to go back but they didn't let me.

I kept writing to take my mind away from things and tried getting involved with cocurricular activities like I did at my old school but it was hard because everything was difficult at my new school! Everything was a competition and I hated it. Back at home, my parents would keep arguing and my mum tried running away but we stopped her, my dad continued to get fits and I didn't know what to do. So as much as I hate myself for it now, I turned to self harming, not because I wanted to end my life then I don't think, just because I felt like I was the problem and I hated myself and my life and everything. My mum would always say that they wouldn't be together if I wasn't alive and things like that which made me feel worse.

At the end of year 10, I found out that my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and that was pretty much an all time low for me. But I went to the hospital every day I could and stayed with him and then one day his dad came up to me and told me I might not see him again. Just three months after he was diagnosed he passed away. I was an absolute wreck then because it was as if I'd lost what made me happy. I had school during that time so my parents still told me to go (after the funeral and everything) and I couldn't, just couldn't concentrate or talk without crying, and I had no idea how I was going to do two vce subjects the following year. Again, I was sent to the counsellor who told me I needed to see a psychologist so she told one to come in every week and I went to see her.

And I told her quite a bit, and I guess it helped, although some of her methods like 'write down three things that made you happy every day' didn't help at all and I felt like I was lying through that. I spoke to her about my parents as well, by the time we got to talking about that it was the end of year 11. At the end of that, she straight out told me there wasn't much she could help me with so I was back to square one with how bummed I felt and I wasn't any happier. She didn't say I had anxiety or depression so I've always thought and still think that maybe it's none of that and it's something else which I'm not sure what it might be if it's even anything. At the end of year 12, I was somewhat excited because I thought maybe it was just a really long phase I was going through and uni would be different and everything would change.

Now I'm in uni, and things are the same and there are so many times when I stop and think about whether I've actually ever been happy and what that even feels like. Like what does being 'happy' even mean? Because maybe I'm delusional and it's all in my head and everything's perfectly fine. So is it normal to day in and day out, not want to do this anymore? I tried talking to my parents about it and they shouted at me saying that I have everything I could want (yes I'll admit I am spoiled and have quite a lot of things other kids might want) and that I have no reason to be upset. I tried talking to my friend about it and he told me that everyone has problems at home and that I'm just being overdramatic. But am I? My dad was crying on the floor just last week, is that normal? I tried talking to them about getting a divorce but it's not something you do in their culture (and mine I guess) and I tried talking to my dad but he won't open up to me, he just said there's something wrong with him and he's going to the doctors about every fortnight to talk about it with the doctor. So I just don't tell anyone because I feel like maybe it's all in my head and I'm being stupid.

But even when my parents aren't fighting and everything's actually fine, I just feel so sick. I think I realised late last year that I don't want to be around anyone anymore. As mean as it sounds, I don't care about anyone anymore either and I don't like writing or painting or anything and it annoys me because as much as I try to like it, I can't. Lately, I tried figuring out what on earth I'm even on this earth for so I can do that and just get out but even then people say I'm too young to know that yet. I'm trying to help myself and figure out what's wrong without bothering anyone but I just can't. 

I'm not saying I have a problem, because yea there are people out there who probably have it much worse off than me I know. But I guess everyone's different, and I really can't take it anymore. I downright hate myself and don't know what to do about it. Then again maybe it's just a phase I'm going through like how everyone goes through ups and downs but as much as I don't want to think it's true, I can't stop and think of a time where I've been happy for more than a couple of days straight. I'm not stressed about anything because uni work is going how I wanted it to and thankfully I'm doing well, with my parents arguing, I'm way over even caring what happens now, my friends, I honestly don't care about that either and I'd much rather stay at home than go out with them or anyone.

Sorry if I've offended anyone with what I've said somehow, but I really just needed to get most of it out 😕 If anyone feels this way as well, or has been there and dealt with it, it'd be nice to hear about it.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Samantha,

If you had been 19yrs old, male, American,  1960's/70's, you would have been drafted into the American Army and fought in Vietnam, possibly dying - the average age of dead soldiers was 19 yrs.

But you have it worse !   True.   The non stop argueing between your parents sounds very similar to the pressure from school/university competition  vs. In Vietnam they just followed orders.      The best friend diagnosed with cancer in yr 10 (!)  vs. just being shot by a sniper and dying instantly.   The having everything you want / being spoiled vs. dreaming for freedom and a quick end to war.

If you dad is so angry maybe he should take the poison !  Lol.  Seriously, though it's possible that you are living some kind of puppet show with your parents dictating your every wish and move.  There are a lot of uni studnets that do this.  Go the the Careers Office tomorrow and ask how many students drop out of their studies or switch course just because daddy or mummy wanted them to be this or that.  It's really common.

It's good that you don't want to deal with it at the moment.  Maybe there's just too much anxiety and, often when making decisions, you don't want to do it when you're going uphill.   If you got a scholarship for school then you can get a scholarship for being yourself and making your own choices.  Otherwise when you find the right partner you'll be seeking parental approval for that too.

Adios, David.

PS  Why don't you offer to go to the GP with you dad and see what's really wrong with him ?   Maybe it is the poison !  Lol.  He might have anxiety too.

[geoff]

dear Samantha, what you have explained to us is not abnormal, so please don't believe that it is.

It's been a very tough period for you and with your parents arguing and probably fighting just adds cause for how you feel.

I have an inclination that your dad ' when he loses control and hits anything and anyone around him' maybe a cause for concern, in that I hope that he didn't hurt you or your mum, but I believe this may have happened.

I'm not really sure whether ' methods like 'write down three things that made you happy every day' didn't help', well are there happy times or do we just make up false events just to camouflage and pretend that we are happy, maybe to impress our counsellor.

I was in the same boat because I couldn't write anything down that was 'happy', I was sick and tired of pretending to my psychologist, the truth had to be told to her, and there was no more any bu-----t, I was there to be helped.

I can't understand why on earth a psych would tell someone that they can't help them any more, that's their job, that's why we pay them to help us, and if it's out of their league, then recommend another psych, someone with more experience.

Let me tell you that you are NOT delusional, people always ask themselves 'why me I haven't done anything wrong or hurtful that I need to be punished.'

There is nothing wrong with a male crying 'on the floor' or anywhere else, hell I would cry in the car, on the loo, walking or whenever I wanted or needed to.

The old fallacy that 'men don't cry' has been thrown out the windows years ago, we are human and we have to express our feelings either good or bad.

Just as you are your dad could be depressed, for a couple of reasons, which you might know of, but from your post I can tell you of two, which I will tell you if you like.

There are people worse off than us, but that's not the point, you have to realise that you have to look at yourself and how you feel, and there's no comparison between you and anyone else, you can't say 'look at Joe', and what's happening to him, sure it maybe serious, but he has to cope with his own problems, but more so the issues that you face are just as bad for yourself. Hope you can understand that analogy.

Being born into any culture can sometimes be a hurdle to overcome, and I don't mean this in a bad way, however it restricts what can actually happen, like a divorce, but then I think that my ex was a catholic, divorced me, and living with another male, but goes to church regularly, this would defy catholic beliefs.

So this brings me back to the point that maybe your parents can at least separate, or actually get divorced.

After all of this you really need some professional help, because you have struggled far too long, and you need a psych who can find some happiness for yourself.

I want this for you to at least get rid of this black dog, I want you to be happy. L Geoff. x