feeling useless and its ruining my life

[Mace]

hey
im not really sure where to start and im new to this concept of oppening up to anyone let alone posting my feelings online but i could really use some help and i appologise for any spelling mistakes and also for maybe writting so much but its been a months of silence. I used to be a large kid like i was very overweight and i recieved a large amount of bullying at the start of highschool because of this, and its those words then that have made me fragile today i eventually bagan to play football (austalian rules football) when i was 15 i didnt get far in tha,t i snapped my ACL in my first game leaving me unable to walk or do any physical activity for 12 months, so in this time i began to put on extra weight making it even harder for me to fit in, i came back to play the next year and with playing the sport i found i was able to make friends and i evenutally lost alot of weight i got scouted and eventually started playing reserves football for my club at the age of 16 and i felt my life was looking up for me i was no longer bullied i eventually got my first girlfriend and it was looking great i met this girl on the 23rd of May we started talking and after 2 motnhs i asked her out on the 14th of july i know this may be seen as not a big deal to some but as a 16year old male at the time this to me was love and i still believe it is, i did everything i possibly could for this girl i spent $2000 on her, and keep in mind i still go to school and i work part time at a retail outlet where i earn an average of $80 a week but it was not about the money i took extra shifts at work such as night shifts meaning i would work for from 9pm till 9am i would then go from work straight to school just so i could spoil her, the relationship went great for the first 5 months i would spend all my weekends with her she would come see my football i became really close to her family as she did mine. After the 5th month part of the relationship things became apparant that it was slowly falling down hill she started spending less time with me and more time with all her friends and i was left to seeing her once a month if i was lucky i accepted that i never complained and i always let her see her friends i didnt want to cause any problems after 3 months of not seeing her i stood up for myself and it lead to an arguement resulting in me ending the relationship because i was feeling mistreated i would give her all my time and money and effort when she was always to busy to see me and to me i felt that was unfair to me, After the relationship had ended i went back to her house to regain some of my possesions such as jumpers and so forth i said she could keep all the gifts i had bought her, because they where hers, i also asked for some money she owed me which she has never repaid me but its not the money im really after, since this break up i have constantly thought about her and regretted everything to do with causing an arguement leading to this break up i have stop participating in my football meaning i have been dropped from the reserevs squad and also causing me to put on a large amount of weight which has bought some bullying back on to me, i have recently realised i spend my weekends drinking alcohol and doing this makes me someone i am not and i do not like the person i am becoming but it feels like its the only escape i have from this constant feeling of regret. The thing that hurts most about the breakup is the fact that she seems to not be bothered by the fact of me ending the relationship which hurts becaus i put in so much effort to make her feel special this constant feeling of worthlessnes has stopped me from focusing on my year 12 studies and it has really shifted my life i went from being so high in life with my sport and my studies to being noone with no will to go on i used to be such an energetic person i was loud and always happy i was a glass half full kind of person nothing ever bothered me, but since this break up i am a miserable heap who has no passion for anything or anyone. 

thankyou and i once again apologise for writting so much and i know it may not seem like anything to be upset about but its been eating away at me for months now and i cant carry on much longer...

[Ruth_M]

Hi Mace,

Welcome to the forum! You've done really well to share about some of the stuff you have been going through lately, and it is no wonder you are feeling so down. Relationship break ups are often the trigger for things like depression, and it does sound like it has had an impact on your mental health and wellbeing...no longer doing stuff you enjoyed (footy), drinking more, changes in your diet and body image, and now experiencing bullying again. 
Have you talked with anyone else about this? When stress is starting to affect our enjoyment in activities like you've described, its a good idea to get some help early, before things get even worse. If you're at school, you can make a time to visit your school welfare coordinator for a chat. Or you can call the beyondblue Support Line 1300 22 46 36 or Webchat, to speak with a beyondblue counsellor. They are familiar with talking with people who are having difficulties like this, and are very understanding. They can also help you find out what other local support options there are, if you are wanting to continue with some face to face counselling. You've done really well to post here, so please don't try to manage all this on your own. Perhaps you could even try taking a copy of your post with you to see the welfare coordinator?? Just a thought. Let us know how you get on.

With best wishes

beyondblue moderation team

[S_A_D_]

The bravest and smartest thing I've ever done was ask for help. Unfortunately many people deflect responsibility. My problems are too complicated and/or too severe for their brand of  assistance. You've

 caught yourself early, and if you seek help now you might prevent the catastrophic process of turning into someone like me. Don't rely on luck or faith. Take action now to save your life. Trust me,  it's worth saving!