Hello, where should I begin?
I am 19 years of age. I was a weird kid in primary school. I had this 1 super close friend who I'll call Dillon. Dillon was just a weird as I was. We were obsessed with espionage and played games where we'd pretend to be spies. Yes we got bullied, victimised blah blah you know the story, though I wasn't physically bashed or even pushed around or anything like that, it was purely verbal.
What matters though is that I never once retaliated. In fact, I actually ended up joining the bullies and turned against Dillon. I was so weak willed, I turned against my only friend out of fear of not being accepted. Dillon's family eventually moved away and I never saw him again. Then I made a few new friends, but I did terrible things to them too. Why? Because the bullies told me to. Never did I once stick up for my friends or myself. Not once. Pathetic.
High school came around and I went to a different school to everyone else. All alone, I made my 1st friend the 1st day; Socrates. This time everyone was kind to me in the grade. A protected world with no conflict, the classic Oedipal nightmare. Plus I had my actual friends (not the bullies) from primary school that I had as well. We found passion for surfing and would go every weekend. Socrates lived pretty far, but I'd go to his house now and again.
But everything I did with my friends was superficial. I never truly opened up to them, never cried, never got angry, never fought. I never let them see my flaws. Some of my other friends did bully Socrates, but of course I didn't stick up for him. I didn't turn against him either though. I just stood in the middle, smiling emptily at both sides.
My primary school friends and I were really into surfing, so it was a real dilemma when I was the 1st to get bored of it. Instead of telling them, I'd make up lies that I couldn't go. Then I avoided them as much as I could, despite how good friends they were to me.
High school finished, and I finally realised there was something wrong with me. I know the importance of being truthful, but the past 18 years has built deception into me. I'm so terrified of speaking about my problems. But I am smart. I know the key to overcoming fear is to break it down into it's smaller parts. So me writing online this is the 1st part. I'm going to overcome this fear no matter what.
Thanks for reading.
