The 1st Step

[Zacharie_E]

Hello, where should I begin?

I am 19 years of age. I was a weird kid in primary school. I had this 1 super close friend who I'll call Dillon. Dillon was just a weird as I was. We were obsessed with espionage and played games where we'd pretend to be spies. Yes we got bullied, victimised blah blah you know the story, though I wasn't physically bashed or even pushed around or anything like that, it was purely verbal.

What matters though is that I never once retaliated. In fact, I actually ended up joining the bullies and turned against Dillon. I was so weak willed, I turned against my only friend out of fear of not being accepted. Dillon's family eventually moved away and I never saw him again. Then I made a few new friends, but I did terrible things to them too. Why? Because the bullies told me to. Never did I once stick up for my friends or myself. Not once. Pathetic.

High school came around and I went to a different school to everyone else. All alone, I made my 1st friend the 1st day; Socrates. This time everyone was kind to me in the grade. A protected world with no conflict, the classic Oedipal nightmare. Plus I had my actual friends (not the bullies) from primary school that I had as well. We found passion for surfing and would go every weekend. Socrates lived pretty far, but I'd go to his house now and again.

But everything I did with my friends was superficial. I never truly opened up to them, never cried, never got angry, never fought. I never let them see my flaws. Some of my other friends did bully Socrates, but of course I didn't stick up for him. I didn't turn against him either though. I just stood in the middle, smiling emptily at both sides.

My primary school friends and I were really into surfing, so it was a real dilemma when I was the 1st to get bored of it. Instead of telling them, I'd make up lies that I couldn't go. Then I avoided them as much as I could, despite how good friends they were to me.

High school finished, and I finally realised there was something wrong with me. I know the importance of being truthful, but the past 18 years has built deception into me. I'm so terrified of speaking about my problems. But I am smart. I know the key to overcoming fear is to break it down into it's smaller parts. So me writing online this is the 1st part. I'm going to overcome this fear no matter what.

Thanks for reading.

[Croix]

Dear Z~

Thanks for your honest post, frankly I don't think the problem is quite as bad as you feel - we all blame ourselves and our own faults can easily seem magnified.

From your writing it is easy to see you are intelligent and sensitive, and have a pretty good idea what is fair and right. Without the latter nobody has any hope of becoming a decent human being.

In the same way that a young person's body has to grow and mature to reach its full strength so a person's character has to grow to be strong enough to accept adult values. You are well on the way there.

I'm not suggesting you will always tell the truth - who does. Truth is something one aims for if practical. It may hurt someone else, it may not be possible - one has to pick one's battles. An adult forms the judgment and proceeds accordingly.

You have recognized the shortcoming of your youth and are taking steps to be adult - that is admirable, frankly nobody could ask for more.

You are also finding out about your own tastes and interests, as opposed to those of the crowd, and are trying to handle the emerging differences the best way you can.

With your experiences and values you will get there.

Please feel free to talk as often as you would like, you are most welcome

Croix (Bon courage!)

[Zacharie_E]

Thanks for your reply Croix

My problem is not that I've done bad things in my life. You're right, everyone does those. My problem is that I've never dealt with the bad things I've done, not even the trivial ones. 18 years of never dealing with conflict has left me unprepared for life, an old child. I won't open up to anyone. Not to strangers, not to friends, not to family.

Before I realised my fear, I was so cynical to everyone because I wanted them to stay away from me so I wouldn't have to face them. It was like me vs the whole world. So I actually moved out from my parents. I now live on my own in the middle of nowhere, never going out and working nightshifts so to avoid the social aspects of life as much as possible. That's my life right now, and it's exactly what I asked for. But being completely alone has given me the chance to think about my life. It's how I came to realise all of this.

4 months of thinking later and I've finally started taking some action to resolving myself. 2 days ago I actually tried to simply tell my "friend" at work that I was depressed, but I couldn't do it. Even though I know I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Naturally, I was really pissed off the day after, but then I remembered the key is to break the problem down into chunks you can manage. That's why I created this thread online. It's not much, but it's crucial at the same time. Though it has taken its toll on me. I've been feeling physically sick merely from posting that post for a few hours now. But I take that as a good sign. I know, take it slow, I will.

What I'm really looking for though is replies. I want real people to respond to me, so I can respond back. It's not the same as talking in person, sure, but I already tried that and failed. But hopefully this will give the strength to talk to my friend at work, and that'll be a massive step forward.

[geoff]

hello Zacharie_E, well an unusual post for people to reply to, because after Dillion, most of your life you're been the middle of everything, not upsetting anyone and not wanting to disappoint anyone, and certainly not achieving anything construstive.
Now you're 19 and realise that much of your life has been lost, so to start to move forward means that you need to open up, otherwise the next 19 years will be wasted.
You can break the problem down into chunks, but you can't move on from one chunk to another unless something can be resolved in this particular situation. Geoff.

[MaverickMcD]

Hi Geoff.

google Sarah wilson. This lady has been through hell and back and lived to tell the tale.. awesome!!!

[geoff]

hello MaverickMcD, thanks for your rely, and yes I have googled Sarah Wilson and I feel so terribly sorry about what she was struggling with, but each one of us on this site have been through no different than what she has, whether it's a celebrity or not makes no difference, we all suffer the same way.
I'm not sure whether a celebrity should be regarded worse off than any of us who are exactly the same but get no publicity, all of us are the same when it comes down to it.
The trouble is that once a well known public figure gets depression, all the sympathy goes out to them, while the rest of us go undetected. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Zacharie~

Yes, cutting yourself off is part of it and as you say makes your life poorer as a result - though at the time it might be the only way one can cope, necessary even though it has drawbacks.

Coming here is a great step and you may find it helps with the need to be understood and supported - not like in the outside world I know, but something.

Talking is a common problem and beyondblue has a 'how-to' about it here

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it

I hope something there helps on a practical level.

With your friend, I guess you have to weigh up how he or she will respond - a very hard thing to do. A hint perhaps? Then see how it goes from there.

Secondly have you considered giving support to others? Not necessarily in the field of Mental Health - though beyondblue and other organizations have their avenues. But more generally volunteering to break out of the solitude and just be with people in a new environment.

You might be able to assist here by talking with other who have similar problems.

Living alone is not for most people. This does not mean being in the center of a crowd, but having people you can be in contact with. Do you think you might like to be a little closer to your parents and family after having had a chance to take stock by yourself?

As I said before you are here now, and to keep talking would be good. You do not have to worry, any mistakes are gently fixed and nobody judges you. All you will find is care and understanding.

Croix

[Zacharie_E]

Thanks Geoff,

I'm afraid I don't understand exactly what you mean when you said "you can break the problem down into chunks, but you can't move on from one chunk to another unless something can be resolved in this particular situation."

My simulated solution goes something like this: I tell people about my problems online and get some responses. Then I read said responses despite my embarrassment telling me to pretend this never happened and to never return to the site. Now maybe I find the mere act of reading the responses too overwhelming, so I'd take a break for a while then come back to read them again. I repeat this process until I'm not afraid of the responses themselves.

Ok then I pick the friendliest response and type up a response to that. Maybe I find responding to all of the responses at once too over-whelming, so I do one then take a break, then another then take a break, etc. in order of easiest to hardest, roughly speaking. I repeat this process until I can respond to several responses relatively quickly without feeling nauseated afterwards.

Ok so now that I've mastered the online forum, then maybe I'll try doing it in an online chat in real time. The difference is there's more sense of an actual conversation with real people, though it's not as bad as the real thing. Anyway I basically repeat the same process, advancing one variable at a time, until I can open up in an online chat.

Perhaps at this point, I'm confident enough to try it in real life. I'd start off one-to-one with the friendliest person I know, and if that works perhaps I'd move onto someone who is slightly less friendly or maybe I'd try opening up to 2 people at once etc. You get the idea.

Anyway that's the theory of it, whether or not it will work in practice is another issue. Only one way to find out.

[Zacharie_E]

Thanks Croix

I'm very sure my friend would be supportive about me if I was to speak. We actually work together, which is good since it's only us 2 during the over-night shifts I work, meaning it's a pretty good opportunity to speak up. Although now that I think about it, it could work against me in the unlikely situation my friend takes it badly.

But I don't think I'm really scared of people laughing at me, or being unsupportive of me. Because I know from personal experience that the alternative of bottling up is much worse. I don't think there's a real conscious reason for my fear, it's been engrained into me for so long that I even though I know I have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, I just won't face it. Now you've made me unsure of myself haha, oh well, guess I'm not as smart as I thought.

[Ken1]

Hey Zacharie_E!

Experiences that you have really young, like being bullied can affect you seriously long term, in ways you may not even know. Whether that's an underlying issue in your case, I don't know, but I expect that there's still pain attached to that experience.

I think that also the guilt that would come from watching your friends get hurt and even inflicting some of that hurt yourself would be really hard! The important thing is that you've identified that now and while it doesn't undo the past, it paves a better way for the future.

I really hope that the steps you take after this allow you to be truthful, remove that deception and feel comfortable being open. It's really freeing being able to be open and such a load off.

Your method of breaking down your fear is SO GOOD! People don't know how to do that for themselves and it is so applicable and generally really works! You can't tackle anything head on, you've gotta break it down. Really respect and admire your courage in stepping out and posting this. You also sound SO determined ti overcome your fear which I love! Go you!

It's really great that you can recognise the things that aren't great for you and your habits, like working night shift to avoid being social. This skill will help you in the long run.

I so get not being able to tell your friend. For me it's like a lump in your throat preventing words being pushed through. Often, if I've really wanted to tell a friend something i.e. When I had an eatig disorder, I'd be sitting right next to them and have to text them what I wanted to say, because it was too hard to talk. Even then, that was terrifying. But like you said, chunks.

Your theory too of rereading replies over and over until it's not to bad or nauseating anymore has a lot of evidence behind it. This works. If you hold a spider enough times even though you're scared of it, it will get easier and will dull your fear, so long as no danger is present.

Would love for this thread to give you the confidence to talk to someone in person, even if replies don't hit the nail on the head for you, that's good practice because in general, people's replies to what you have to say won't always hit the nail on the head. Dealing with that appropriately is important.

You're really intelligent and have this mapped out well! I relate to your logical thinking in this. Flexibility is still good to maintain though because things don't always go to plan.

Would love to hear back.

Bonnie