Struggling to help depressed, anxious and drug-addicted boyfriend

[ibir1]

Hi everyone,

I am sure that this has been posted a number of times but I have not been able to find anything totally synonymous with my circumstances. 

About 6 months ago, I became involved with a boy (21) who I knew had struggled with mental illness for a number of years - but truthfully (having never suffered from any form of mental illness myself), I couldn't have known what this entailed.

He has depression, anxiety, social anxiety, severe mood swings and he is addicted to marijuana (smokes every day just to survive). He has episodes in which he turns against me and I fear the relationship is becoming abusive.

He has withdrawn socially over the past year, meaning he has very few true friends left. His parents are obtuse and absent. I feel that I am the only real support he has. He'll tell me I don't do enough for him or that I'm making things worse but in the morning will say I'm the only person he loves, I mean everything to him etc. etc. etc. 

I have implored him to see his GP but he claims that he does not have the money to consistently see a psychologist (he is sceptical about them) and that the anti-depressants he was on years ago didn't work (he does not listen when I tell him that they are incredibly finicky and can take months to find the right dosage). He has said when he gets a higher paying job he will pursue treatment but I'm not sure either of us can wait that long. Is there anything I could say to persuade him to take action sooner? 

Furthermore, (I know how insensitive this may sound) but it frustrates me that he isn't trying other/free methods. I have done extensive reading and people claim that consistent exercise and eating a balanced diet help. He says he will join the gym when he gets a higher paying job but until then he seems to have no plan to change his current lifestyle which is quite immobile and lacks routine.   

I'm struggling to know how to help him OR if this is not possible if it is safe to walk away. Ultimately, you can only help someone who wants to help themselves and while he claims he wants help, I don't feel he's truly ready yet. I am wracked with guilt at the thought of leaving and have no idea how I would go about it without further isolating and hurting him but I also cannot see this relationship being long-term when it is so unstable, draining and hurtful for both of us. Has anyone been through this? Any advice would be warmly welcomed. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi ibir1,

Case 1; I am a 51yo father of five. All of my kids are "good" kids but my eldest boy (25) is hooked on marijuana. He is very intelligent and has a lot of potential but I'll tell you what it has gotten him so far;
1. Girlfriend of four years dumped him after getting sick of him prioritising dope use over everything else.
2. He has alienated all his workmates and only still has a job because his aunty is the boss where he works.
3. He has let his personal hygiene fall to a low level.
4. He began drinking too much, as well, which led to petty crime (graffiti etc) and being arrested.
5. He became abusive towards me and my ex wife.

Now he is off the booze and his personal hygiene level has improved. He lives with his mum and I think she insists on it as a condition of keeping a roof over his head. I refuse to enable him or provide any financial assistance until he wants to start rehab. He steadfastly refuses anything that is a step towards getting off dope.

Case 2; My last long term partner, 7 yrs, was in a relationship with a pot smoker before she started seeing me. He used to beat her, cheat on her, spend their last cent on cigarettes, booze and dope (amazingly, it took her years to let go) and has been less than a stereotypical dead-beat dad to their young son.

I think you already know the answer to your situation. Relationships are meant to be based on equal respect. You are young, you barely know this guy, he is abusive towards you and is a petty criminal. Where do you see your future with him?

Why don't you step back, be single, keep in touch if you want but don't commit to being his carer or being dragged into his lifestyle choices? He is an adult with free will and responsible for his own life. Maintain other friendships and see how you feel in a few months.

I can tell you something about addiction, any addiction. The addict's life has to get so low that even rehab is better than the addiction. Most addicts die or end up chronically gaoled with ruined lives before getting to that stage. I've seen it a lot.

Before I retired I was a policeman. I was always proud to say that in my thirty years, I never did anything my kids would have been ashamed to see me do. To quote C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia) "Integrity is doing the right thing even when no-one else is watching." What sort of life do you want for yourself?

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Ibiri, thanks for coming to the site and comment on the problem you are facing.

Well I don't think that I could ever do any better than what John has replied back to you, because it's a detailed synopsis from an experienced gentleman.

Your boyfriend is always procrastinating by saying 'when he gets a higher paid job', and by the way he is going there is no way he could last 10 minutes in any job, and I'm not meaning to be disrespectful, it's just because I know it's happened.

He's young but he ' has depression, anxiety, social anxiety, severe mood swings and he is addicted to marijuana', so what he is doing is self medicating with marijuana, so basically he uses this to cover up his depression etc. and it would appear unlikely that he will seek any help while smoking pot, because that's his magic toxin.

So he will still remain with his other problems until he is ready to stop smoking it, and yes his mood will swing backwards and forwards, and if you're in the way it's you will be face the brunt of his abuse.

He can go and see a doctor who will probably bulk bill him but they can give him a plan to see a psych with 10 free visits, but I'm not sure that even this will entice him to go and see his doctor, because all he wants is his pot.

Although you may love him and want to try and help him, you won't be able to do this at all, he has to give up his pot first, and if this happens can I tell you that he will be another person, but this doesn't necessarily mean he will have changed for the good.

You sound to be a caring and loving lady and my advice is to move on, because this is only stalling your own life.

There must be an enormous amount of activities, employment or what ever that you really want to explore.

Sorry probably a bit heavy but like John I have known other people who have ruined their life.

Would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x