Sometimes you just gotta lay down and not do anything

[ashi]

The title is literally me for the past.. how many weeks? It could have even been months, no idea. I feel like a zombie, yes, I'm alive, yes, I'm still walking; but, so?

I have ambitions, I've lost interest in practically everything, I have two friends and one of them is a 9 hour flight away and is constantly busy, and I'm not exactly that close with my other friend. I've already lost everyone else, my sibling is busy enough with adult life, I haven't seen my cousins for 5 years and I can't contact them, my parents are completely absent from my life other than feeding me and giving me a house to live in. Home? I got nothing.

Right now, I'm not laying down, but I'm sitting in a chair listening to a playlist that's literally just pop funk beats to keep my brain occupied and not think too much, unfortunately, it's not very effective. I commonly tell myself "Hey! You! Yes you! You sluggish and absurdly contradicting idiot! Stop grouching already and make some friends!!", but then I just go "Nope, waking up already drained all my social energy"

Extremely funny, I used be super social, but of course teenage years and hormones came in, smashed all my previous thoughts and cut off all my dopamine sources and my neurotransmitters are in permanent sleep mode, so I'm just "hhhhhhhhhhh" every day, no thoughts, and if I do have thoughts, the only thought that comes to mind is "I wonder how much time I have left" not in the "I'm super scared and anxious" way but just in the curious and wonderous way. Ever since I learnt people will die one day, I've been thinking about how I want to live my life, and I've been hearing a clock tick at the back of my head.

UGH. The stupid little thing pesters me every day with "Uh oh! Look! You made a mistake!" or "Time is running out!! Do something! Quick!". Oh how I hate that little thing, I imagine smashing it against the wall but I can't, I'll just have to listen to my brain incoherent rambling every day for the next hundreds of years.

Either ways, thank you for reading this, and I hope everyone has a wonderfully nice day even though that might not happen.

[ABC01]

Dear ashi,

I understand what it is like to live life this way. Minus the music part, as I get sad listening to lyrics. I empathise with you on almost all of your post and many times I wish I could grab that little clock or the “earworm” song that is stuck in my mind and chuck it at the wall.

It is hard to live like this and for longer then you would like. Your thoughts and emotions are valid to have.

I think mortality is a strong issue in life. I am sorry you can’t be more care free about it as many others are at a younger age. Must people do ask themselves what do they want to do as a career? What do they need to do to get a deposit for a place to move out? When will they met their partner so they can get married and start a family?

When there is no motivation as it has been taken up by something else, life is almost cut,paste and repeat. Groundhog Day. And after awhile, that sucks hard.

However we can change this day. Not miraculously,but tiny steps at a time. And tiny steps will grow into a normal step and that will grow into 2 normal steps and so on. Small shaky steps still count.

Instead of focusing on what you haven’t done, can you identify one thing you have done for yourself today? It can be that you brushed your teeth. Why is that good? Because you have done something to physically look after yourself. Teeth are important. If you don’t look after them,you may need fillings or they may rot and need to be removed. Did you brush your hair? So it doesn’t end up in mats and the only thing to do is cut them out. Did you attend any appointments or learning that you needed to? Did you use the bus to get somewhere you needed to go? Did you eat breakfast,lunch and dinner?These are the small steps that grow into bigger ones. And self care is important for your mental health. And when you see all the things that you are already doing for yourself, you might be surprised.

I understand and empathise on not finding enjoyment where I used too. So I am trying. Trying to do all the old things I liked to do and see if I can push through it and find a spark again, or if it isn’t for me anymore. One thing you can try is setting aside 10 minutes a day to try something out. It will be hard to start but then that 10 minutes becomes part of our routine. 10 minutes for a word search. 10 minutes for a physical puzzle. 10 minutes for a diamond sticking picture. Something to actually sit down and engage in for a small amount of time to test your brain. Or even a ten minute walk outside if it is safe to do so. Think of them as a circuit breaker or what happens when you put a stick into a moving bike tyre. It stops the wheel from spinning. It breaks the cycle and gives your mind time to relax and reset. And there is a sense of accomplishment when we physically finish something. And I did read somewhere that word searches are particularly good for mental health. Journaling your day,even in bullet points could be useful in getting your emotions or thoughts down on pen and paper and out of your mind. It is also a great way to identify the thoughts that are reoccurring and know they should be the ones to address first. You can ask about them here on these forums to get different pov’s.

Please don’t compare yourself to others during this time. It isn’t a fair fight and your self esteem will be the loser. Do what you can and need for yourself on a daily basis. Let others do the same for themselves. Criticism isn’t needed right now. Keep reminding yourself what you are doing for yourself and keep adding something new and small as you go along.

Reach out here again if you need to.

Wishing you well,

ABC01

[ashi]

Thank you so much for your support!!

I agree about the copy and paste thing, you wake up, go to school or do work, eat, do work, eat, shower, go to bed, done. It's getting tiring and boring.
But I don't feel like self-esteem is my issue here, but thank you for your words of comfort :))

[ABC01]

Dear ashi,

If it isn’t self esteem, are you able to pin point what it is?
Only if you feel comfortable sharing.🙂

ABC01

[therising]

Hi ashi

You sound like an incredibly thoughtful and wonderful person, so full of thought and wonder at times. Combine that with being a sensitive person, who's able to sense a whole variety of feelings, and what you have is someone unique.

When you can sense where your dopamine levels are at, what state your neurotransmitters are in, what your inner dialogue sounds and feels like, what next to no energy also feels like and a whole stack of other things, life can become incredibly challenging. I smile when I say it's easy to imagine how much more of a breeze it can be for thoughtless unfeeling or insensitive people who don't have to face such challenges😁. They typically don't think about, feel or sense what can be stressful, tormenting, challenging, depressing or potentially depressing and so on.

Inner dialogue can definitely be a blessing and a curse, all depending on how it sounds. Let's call it the old 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' for the sake of simplicity. The angelic side can be uplifting, exciting, inspiring, motivating and more. The devilish side can be quite the opposite: Insulting, critical, tormenting, sabotaging, depressing and so on. Having free time to listen to it, feel it, meditate on it etc can also be a blessing and a curse, depending on which shoulder we're facing. Then there's the tormenting 'Stuck in the middle' scenario, with one side suggesting 'You need to find people who are going to inspire you' and the other side insisting 'Just sit back and relax, you'll be fine'. While 'Just sit back and relax, you'll be fine' may not sound like the dark side of inner dialogue, it can get to a point where we realise it wasn't the best advice. In fact, it can be the kind of dialogue that can be sabotaging any effort to head in a positive direction, away from what can become depressing (a lack of the kind of people we need in our life).

As a 54yo gal, I've found it's not so much about how the clock ticks down to our last moments here on this earth. It's more about 'How do I tick?'. How do we work, especially as naturally sensitive people, who can sense so much (including what can be depressing)? While I listen to certain people around me say 'I'm just getting old', my attitude is 'No, no, no, no, no!'. I like to think I'm working up to something, not ticking down to 'old age'. If the challenge involves raising our self to come to life more, the question becomes 'How do I raise myself (out of the situation I'm currently in)?'. Sometimes raisers/good guides are a must. If you were to say to one or both of your parents or your sibling, 'I've lost my ability to work out how to live a fulfilling life and I need to gain a sense of direction' do you think that would get their attention? While some folk would say 'No, that's not me. I don't like to be an attention seeker', my theory is...if I'm feeling completely lost, why would I not gain someone's attention and ask for directions. Btw, took me decades to work that out. It's not always easy to see the way forward, especially when it comes to uncharted territory.❤️

[ashi]

I feel like maybe I could be a little competitive at times? Like as in, "I don't want people to tell me I'm not good at something" because I know I have a lot to improve, but I hate it when people tell me that, since they often say that with offense, or amusement that irritates me.

[ashi]

Wow, thank you for saying that! Well, I mean, I can't 'sense' my dopamine levels, but I just feel like I'm a bit droopy at times. 

And I don't talk with my family much, so I guess that's been affecting my social state slightly. And what you say is true, most of the time I feel like asking for attention is a bit like being an 'attention seeker', because I know people have things they need to do, or someone else needs more attention than me. And when I talk to someone, sometimes I don't get an answer that's helpful, such as just empty reassurances like "It'll be fine" or "Drink more water and sleep more" when I'm sleeping 10 hours and drinking the usual 8 glasses of water per day. 

Thank you though, this helped me a bit! 😄

[therising]

Hi ashi

I get what you mean about the water and sleep. While it's helpful for people to suggest two of the ingredients for 'the recipe for success', they remain only two key ingredients. So, while 8 glasses of water and good sleeping habits contribute to the overall recipe, the ingredients that may be missing could be some inspiration, a couple of good guides to help light the way, someone or something that leads you to laughter occasionally, a couple of goals that are going to establish a sense of direction, factors that generate levels of dopamine you can feel and a greater sense of self understanding. That's another 6 ingredients. You could say having only 2 is a bit like someone giving us flour and sugar and then saying 'Off you go, go bake a chocolate cake'. It's impossible. It's just not going to work.

Ashi, I've become a little difficult over the years😁, especially when someone says to me something along the lines of 'You'll be fine'. While I used to get really down, while thinking 'No I won't, I'll never be fine. What's wrong with me?', these days I'm more inclined to say, out of genuine curiosity 'How will I be fine? What is going to make things fine? I need to know. Give me some solid ideas and I'll see if they resonate'. It's amazing the amount of people who respond with 'I don't know'. Hey, me either, which is part of the problem. While there can be good intention behind a reassuring 'You'll be fine', there remains no guidance. It's a statement that does not set any direction for us to follow. There are no goals to be reached in the statement 'You'll be fine'.

[ABC01]

Dear ashi,

Unwarranted criticism is unnecessary. And they sound like just rude people. This may not be helpful,but I have been told “You can’t control what someone says to you or how they deliver it, but you can choose how you react to it.” Maybe you can see potential benefits in that statement.

ABC01