Identity Crisis

[MelancholyDays]

I feel like a few months ago I really hit a wall with my current relationship, and now recently I’ve been suffering from anxiety and stress because of an identity crisis I’m having.

Back story, I have been with this person about 7 years, I moved with them to a new city because of their job (which involves them going away a lot for it) and we even have a young one together. Their last stint I feel we really drifted and I was convinced it was over, and it was for about a week when they returned. I told them I just felt really lost and confused because I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t know who I was outside of a relationship, and that I’m sick of waiting for change. But it seems that didn’t last, and we thought since we’ve come this far we should work it out and work on it together. Now recently I’ve been having those feelings again but even more intense. But I don’t know who I am without this person and I feel like I’ve become so dependent on them that the thought of leaving is terrifying to me. I think I could definitely manage to a point, but the unknown just has me second guessing the decision to leave constantly. I’m not sure how to approach the situation and I feel it’s harder since there is a child involved 😥

[Sophie_M]

Hello MelancholyDays, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like things are very overwhelming within your relationship right now... the idea of not being with someone who has been your constant for seven years would be so scary, especially when there is a little human involved too. I can imagine that having them go away for work so often would create a barrier to connection as well. Do you think if they were around more often, you'd be able to find ways to reconnect? Did anything shift when you attempted to work on things together?  

I am also curious if the move to a new city is aligned with your dreams and desires too?  When was the last time you remember doing things that were focused on your personal goals and aspirations? What were you doing and how did you feel? These questions might be helpful to think about when considering who you are as your own person.

It's more than valid that you would be feeling confused and uncertain right now with everything going on. The unknown is definitely daunting, and it is understandable that the thought of leaving your partner would be terrifying. Perhaps there are ways you can still navigate finding 'you' and also nurturing your relationship? For example, what would you change about your current situation if you knew it would all work out? This might help illuminate what you are really wanting and needing from your life and relationship at the moment.

Lots of questions here, I know! So please feel free to spend some time journaling upon them before replying. We are looking forward to your response and hope you'll hear more from our community very soon. 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[Empathuniverse]

Hello Melancholy days, Sounds like your feelings were trying to address a need within yourself and for your relationship to have more meaning and growth. I feel like if you discovered happiness within yourself as a person again and to not have to rely on your partner so much for it you would be more happy with them being away so much. Its good you are questioning your life and where you want to see it heading. Its going to take some deep thinking to discover where you want to take your relationship and yourself from here. I would not feel pressured. Please talk to your partner and explain the situation you are in. Having so much time apart has sparked your perception and you realise how much you have sacraficed for the "we" of you both. I feel like you really need to redefine how you see yourself and your relationship now as it has evolved. Its going to take some time and its going to be a process till you know for sure. Its about the journey not the destination. I like to keep things in perspective, if you had everything taken from you what would you value the most if you could get it back? Or imagine your life if it turned out a different way. Or imagine who you used to be before the relationship. Try to see your life with new eyes to feel your identity again. There are some fantastic articles about rediscovering yourself after codependant relationships it may be a good start to get you processing and unpacking everything you are thinking and feeling right now.