She broke up with me because of my depression.

[dj996]

This girl did stay by me for over a year, and I know I put her through a lot. I always kept pushing her away so I don't blame her for leaving, but now that she is gone I feel that I am back to how I was before I met her. Before I met her I was about a year out of high school, struggling to even get out of bed. I would barley eat or sleep and id always have a heavy feeling in my chest, I wasn't sad, I just didn't feel anything for anyone or myself. I spent from grade 10 to a year after high school like this. Then she started to talk to me online day in day out, and I was actually responding back. Eventually we decided to move in together, and I thought everything was going to be alright, but after about half a year we had a couple fights because id have times where I would start to go back to my old habits and I said a lot of things I should not have said, I was just so scared of loosing her it was bringing the worst out in me again. She eventually couldn't take it any more and we broke up. And I actually feel a whole lot worse now, not only is that feeling in my chest back, I find myself jumping between feeling hate, sadness, loneliness and just broken. On top of that I feel even worse because she is now with another guy only 3 days later. I have been trying to be strong and move on, iv been trying to do fitness, and look for a job, and do a course, and even applied for the army. Only thing, I can feel myself slipping and I think I am going to end up like this forever. I have never wanted to kill myself, and I still don't, but I just never wanted to be born. I don't feel right, and I don't know where to go from here.

[Jacko777]

Hi dj996,

Welcome mate, jeez I am really sad to hear how you are feeling and I want you to know that you can come to feel better. Are you seeing a counsellor or such? A professional could help you a lot right now, straighten and separate some of this stuff and find new ways to deal with it. I am glad you are trying to stay strong, keep going hard at your exercise and job hunting. And what things are you passionate about, what positive things can you keep bringing your attention to? 

There is a quote...you can't change where you are overnight, but you can change the direction you are headed in, overnight. I too have had moments where I wish I wasn't born but the great miracle of life is that we have the option in every moment to be 'reborn', to re examine our self and head out on a new path. We can choose to leave behind old thought patterns that don't serve us, become aware and practice keeping our attention on positive thoughts.

You can't change the past with your ex unfortunately and you would be understandably sad about it. What you can control is where you go from here and I think with professional support you can find some calmness and happiness. talk any time.

Jack

[SeanM92]

Hey there, Welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about your situation mate. 

The annoying thing is with anxieties and depression is that its easy to lose our grasp on them an they grow out of control. Though to be honest i think youve been doing a pretty solid job of holding on and you should feel proud.

With your ex.. mate that sucks. Ive been in a similiar place except it turned out mine was cheating on me with a few of my mates for 6 months prior to our separation so yeah i know how much it sucks. But the world moves on and you will find another, someone that will understand you and want to help. 

If your not seeing a counselor or therapist i would suggest you do, if only because it can help relieve stress build up and assist you with keeping a hold on your anxieties.

good on you for keeping on trying with the excerise and finding a job, they are all very good ways to keep moving on for a brighter future. 

Keep up the good work mate and keep in mind your not alone in these feelings