My boyfriend's depression got worse, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Should we break up?

[Georgia96]

Hi everyone,

my partner and I met a few months ago. Early in our relationship he told me that he suffered from depression. Recently things have changed immensely between us. He lost his grandfather, his housemates moved out and he has been feeling stress at uni due to his insomnia affecting his studies.  His  depression has gotten worse recently. Ive made it very clear that I love him and am always there to support him. Recently he has been distant and not as attentive as he once was. He shuts himself off the world, and can be irritable. He is in therapy and on medication. 

The other night he and I were talking in bed, he started talking about how he was feeling and ended up leaving in the middle of the night to go for a drive and clear his head. 

Yesterday, he came by my place and we went for a walk. I presumed what was going to occur. He then said that he didn't think he was good for me, that he treated my poorly, that this relationship was one sided and about him, that he just felt depressed now that anything was hard for him to do. He said he needed to focus on himself at the moment. We decided to take a break and not rush into a break up. If I'm being frank, I felt a sense of relief but also felt sick to my stomach, I'm terribly in love with him and don't want to loose him. I want to be there for him through this tough period, even though it is taxing. 

I don't want my relationship with him to end, because even though it is tough for both us when he feeling really low I love him, I love all of him and I don't want to loose the connection we have. I already miss him, him cuddling me, having dinner and watching movies, and being with him. 

 I don't know how to feel. Should I let him go? Should we try and work through this? Is his mind made up? Will things return how they once were?

 kind regards, 

 G96 x

[Paul]

Hi G96. Really glad you stopped by and let us know how you feel. 

It can be so confusing being with someone who is depressed. There are some excellent articles written for people in situations just like yours. They are about being family or friends with someone who has depression and also being a carer. Sometimes the role of someone in a relationship will temporarily change to carer if the depressed person is really unwell. You've said you want to stick by him. That's a beautiful thing.

In the links below, there's a "for me" section and under that "friends and family" have a browse through there. 

You may wish to consider talking to someone professionally and inviting your boyfriend along when he is feeling a bit more stable to chat about the whole mixed bag of things that are happening for you both. 

There's also the forums here where people with diverse experiences can offer further advice.

For now, look after yourself and your health and see if some of the articles in the links for family and friends help.

Let us know how you go.

Take care.

Paul

[Georgia96]

Thanks for your reply Paul. I was very helpful. 

I now feel not so upset as Ive come to accept the shock a bit more. It is so hard having this time apart from him, but Ive decided to start a hobby. 

[Paul]

Hey Georgia,

Nice to see you back again.

A hobby is a great way to make sure that you're grounded by something you enjoy doing so you can provide love and help for a person with depression without losing yourself in everything.

What hobby are you looking at starting?

Paul

[geoff]

dear Georgia, hello and thanks for posting your first comment.

As Paul has said 'it can be so confusing being with someone who is depressed', because we never know how or what type of mood they will be in, and by having this illness is not their fault, and they certainly didn't ask for it, nor do they deserve to have it.

For those people who are affected is that is virtually leaves them wondering what to do, whether they want to stay or should they go, so at this point whatever the person who is depressed thinks could be all over the place, but depression causes this, so it's up to their partner, friend or family member to consider their options, do they want to stay and help them, if they accept this, or should you go, because nothing has worked.

This decision is not an easy one to make.

If you decide to leave, this won't stop him from wanting to contact you, and the possibility of this happening is quite high, because their moods change, one minute they want to do something, then the next moment it's all changed again, so we can never predict what's going to happen.

I am pleased that you want to start a hobby, but also interested in whether you are in uni. Geoff. x