Scary thoughts

[rediris]

I am in a constant war with myself. Sometimes I will be so happy as though nothing can hurt me, but other times I will want to end my own life. I sometimes have these fits of anguish and I will literally scream and destroy things. I developed depression and anxiety at 12 and now I'm almost 18. 

I want to show everyone at school how much pain I'm in. Only I've given up going to school. I've scared my family, I've lost friendships and I can only find comfort in animals and made up fantasies.

The only thing that has kept me going is the aftermath of if I did something to myself; the lives I will destroy. But I honestly see no future for me. 

Im so sick of living like this...

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[SGde3a]

Hi,

Focus on what pain you are in and breathe and try to see where its coming from. Do you get pain and inflammation all over after eating? And some paranoia? If so then thats typical of Leaky Gut, and you can typically just eat a handful of cranberries before eating to fix that but might make you more sensitive to light/sound. (If you have those sensitivities). If you have light/sound sensitivities and a learning disorder (information just wont go in - then the cranberries will help, its harmless, it will acutally make your brain tingle too)...but with the extra light/sound sensitivities if you have them then you will tend to have an underfunctioning adrenal system as well. This is basically mild autism. You can get a pension for it. But you need a full diagnosis. This will help. Now I can't post chemical supplements on here but searching google "Methylfolate autism" and there is a further path. If this is relevant at all to your symptoms!

[white knight]

Dear rediris,

"At war with myself"  rings a bell for me. When younger I tossed between personalities - well thats how it felt.  But in reality it was more extreme thoughts from one extreme to the next....no middle ground.  It subsided by the time I was about 23 yo.  It was, I think, a process of finding myself, my desires, my dreams and some motivation. Not to mention letting go of anger.

I'd like you to try something. Write down on some paper or on your computer anything you would like to do.  eg...hot air ballooning, canoeing, mountain climbing, bicycling, camping with friends.  Over time, say a few weeks you will have a list. Sort out the list from affordable to "one day when I'm rich".  Try to achieve these goals.

There is truth to the saying "your life is what you make it".  and "you make your own luck".  Life tends to fall into place if you involve yourself with activities because the unexpected always happens. You meet new people, you find out more about yourself.  eg.  I loved airplanes but had a fear of heights. I went cycling one day and came across a model airplane club. I was hooked. My new hobby would never have eventuated without that bike ride.

Good luck and take care. And ignore those demonic thoughts.....you deserve better than going to those places....

[geoff]

dear Rediris, it's been almost 3 weeks since you have posted so please let us know if you are still reading the replies on the site. Geoff.

[Ryah]

Hi guys

I think this is a very helpful website.

I can't get transport anymore to see my psychiatrist - is there someone else I could speak to in person without a referral. 

Thanks for any advice you can give.  Appreciate your help - thanks.

[rediris]

I really appreciate the responses 🙂 

I have applied for TAFE so I'm hoping it will help a little. But I seem to have this obsession with traumatising myself with very dark and gruesome imagery....

It's very difficult to live with this. 

[Struggler]

Hi Ryah

There are contact details on top of the page of this site.  Give them a call

1300 22 4636

Struggler

[Ryah]

Hi - thank-you kindly for replying to my post - appreciate it - just in a dark place at the moment - just getting thoughts.
I think my problem is that a lot of the help resources out there requires referrals if you wish to speak to someone in person about the issue.  The call help lines out there are very good but am still struggling and just wish there was someone who I could speak to in person about it.
Been told the cat team requires a referral but can't get the referral out of triage to speak to the cat team, a psychologist requires a referral, and I think the local health centre requires a referral too, but can't get the referrals.  Don't want to end up in hospital either so don't know how to go about getting help so a bit too scared to ask.  Again thanks for your reply - appreciate it.

[geoff]

dear Ryah, there always seems to a hurdle when we want help.

I'm not sure of your age but if you are under 25 then contact 'info@headspaceospk.com.au', otherwise maybe try the 'salvationarmy.org.au/Find', please get back to us. Geoff.

[Ryah]

Hi Geoff,  Thank-you very much for replying to my post and for the helpful advice - I will look up the website - really appreciate your help.

Ryah