scared-alone-sad-confused

[MorganNicole1121]

I am a 16 year old female at school and I have just recently noticed some changes within myself. I grew up as a happy, loud and bubbly person, but in the past few months I don't really know myself much anymore. Throughout 2013 I have felt so alone and frustrated with life. I have been struggling with my older sister very badly battling Anorexia for the last 2 years and its not improving! just seeing her fading away and slowly dying in front of my eyes is slowly killing me and my family on the inside. Not only that but I have been going through bad bullying at school for the last 3 years (which is why ive finally moved for 2014). I was told how ugly, useless, worthless etc. I was and I lost all of my friends leaving me with only 3 friends at school.  I was bullied at my sporting, school and mostly online and I couldn't get away from it. I used to use my home life to get away from all the bullying but having to deal with anorexia nervosa (I think that's how its spelt) at home its like im living in a hell.
I have spoken to my mum once when she noticed that I had been harming myself but im scared to bring up any further advice because I don't want to seem like a freak,

I have been struggling with being happy, I have days when im so happy and just out of the blue within less than an hour sometimes id randomly become depressed and want to sit in my room in the dark under the covers. I an finding it difficult to find my sport (dancing) fun as I just feel so tired and run down that I just don't feel up to it. I don't even feel like getting out of bed some days because I feel so empty in life. my mum is finding it difficult to deal with things at the moment as shes struggling with my sister with her anorexia and shes already said she cant handle me being moody grumpy and rude to her, but to be honest I cant help it sometimes I feel so angry that I could scream and then I just want to cry. and that makes me feel so alone, I don't like talking to anyone about this apart from my bestfriend but I don't like talking to anyone else because it makes me feel like they think im wanting attention or just over reacting.

I have 2 older sisters with depression and my mum has anxiety and depression so I know talking to them would be good but I don't want to seem silly. 😞

the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I do have thoughts about if people would care if I didn't wake up one morning, and if I just disappeared one day because I just hate who I am and everything about myself. 😞

I would just  like to know whats happening to me and what do I do 😞

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[MorganNicole1121]

Hey Neil,

its actually the symbol of the deathly hallows in which is known from harry potter as I am a massive fan of the movies so I love it! Hahaa it's fine my mum uses cool and she's 50.

after the argument took place I went into her room and asked her politely why she makes mum think I'm a bad person when I'm not and all she said was 'well there's nothing for you to hide from what I know but I don't know you clearly' so she's trying to make me feel even more alone by making it seem like she thinks I'm a bad person too 

I spoke to mum after and she said she trusts me and she thinks that the reason my sister has been saying it because she thinks mum will get mad at me so I'm in trouble (my sister loves getting me and my other sister in trouble all the time) so that she doesn't have to worry about her problems

i think mum understands that I'm telling the truth as I swore to her and looked her in the eye and told her there's nothing bad that I've done that you don't know about and she trusts me now (I hope)

I am feeling still a little down and where I live there's a big heat stroke so I don't cope well in heat either, adding on the fact that I've been so alone today that I've slept most of the day because it gets me away from everything

its a bit original but I like the one direction music, I'm not one of them stupid fan crazed teenagers that like cries when their music comes on haha I jug like their songs but yeah I like them and people like will sparks and SCNDL people like that 🙂

thanks heaps 

Morgan 

[Neil_1]

Hi Morgan,

Ahh well, my kids would know that symbol as they’ve seen all the Harry Potter movies as well … as for me, no, can’t say that I’ve seen one … I’ve seen bits and pieces of I think, the first one, where he had a kind of a cape and if he wore it, he’d become invisible … now that’d be very COOL.

I’m pleased that you had that talk with your mum … you sound like you’re a very switched on young lady and from everything that I read from you, you write very well and have a great sense of right and wrong and obviously have a very caring nature.  Your mum should be very proud of the job that’s she’s done (and is still doing) in bringing you up.  But the next job your mum needs to try and focus on, I hope, is that she can dedicate some time to you and to try and help you with what you’re going through.

I’m sorry if I keep on about this and getting you some professional help, but I guess I won’t rest until I can see that we’ve got you heading in the right direction.

Also thanx for sharing your music choices … I think it’s amazing just how music can help if you’re feeling not so flash. 

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Morgan, oh boy such a difficult upbringing as you are such a young girl but at delicate age to have to experience all of this.

Your mum and your two older sisters all have depression and anxiety, with one sister suffering from anorexia, and to watch her failing with no interest in eating, is a terrible experience to have to watch in front of your eyes, and no matter how hard you try to help her, it just won't happen.

I have seen people with this illness and my heart just cries for them, because everything we try and do to encourage them to eat and keep it down is horrifying, because they have this feeling of wanting to lose weight, or they just hate consuming any food, so this then follows through to the rest of the family, as they are stunned or don't know why they do this, but their feeling is much deeper than not eating, as there is a fear of something that they may not necessarily know themselves, just as we have with depression, why why and why, none of us know.

With regards to you being bullied, well if other kids know of your sister then there's the opening for them to pick on you, these kids don't worry one bit as long as they get their kicks in life, something that makes them stand out in hierarchy amongst their peers.

You need a great deal of support, so I hope that you can stay online with us, as there is much more to talk about. Geoff. x

[MorganNicole1121]

hi Neil and Geoff

yes harry potter is my life I am getting tattoos of it when i turn 18 and everything, i am a bit of a harry potter nerd but oh well haha.

I get told by my friends parents and everything how rough that is for someone my age but i am kind of glad that's its all happened to me so young as its helped me mature and really realise how important some things in life are and how you have to cherish every moment possible wit your family because one day it could all be over.

having to live with all these mental issues that revolve in my family is very hard to deal with especially being so young. But the problem with the eating disorder is when i was 14 i was told briefly what anorexia was an by the time i understood what the main basics of it was, i had to live with someone and i had to face watching all of the negative effects it caused my sister and my family.

well today my mum took my sister with anorexia to the doctors because for some reason she had been throwing up nothing for no reason and they took blood tests and other tests etc. and then mum asked what weight would she have to be to bepu in hospital by the doctor (because my sister refuses) and the doctor said well to be perfectly honest with you, i could call the police and get them to send the ambulance to pick her up right now. This is because her BMI is 13 in which you probably know is very underweight. The doctor told my sister that if she can out on a certain amount of weight in 2 wees she wont out her in hospital so that she knows she ca do it in the comfort of our house. but later on my mum and sister were told that they need to be quick fast in helping her because her brain is close to giving up because that's the only thing that's keeping her alive.

now hearing that my sister that i love so very much and that i used to look up to is dying faster than before shattered me, i never thought she would go to that extent of her nearly dying and this makes me terrified because i know 20% of people that have the illness die but i never thought my sister would ever fall into that category. 😞

When my other sister and i found out i wanted to just cry and run away but i stayed strong for my sister and my mum by holding it together and keeping it in until i have my time to let it out.

i know that i need to see someone and the only way i could do that is with mum by my side and right now just hearing everything with my sister i think mum needs me to be as strong as possible for her and my sister.

what ive learnt about bullies is that they clearly like to tae out their own self hate on other people and if they don't get their way they take it out on you.

Talking through this makes me feel so much better, as i go online a lot o see if i have replies and i go on before bed so that i can sleep at least a little better than i do when i keep everything bottled up. 🙂 xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Morgan

Wow, your situation is really developing and as Geoff said, there’s so much more to talk about … and one thing I will lay off for a while is the bully aspect … I mean that was during school time, yeah?  So at least for the current few weeks, we’ve got much larger issues to cope with.  Hey, and nothing wrong with being a H.P. nerd … nothing wrong with that at all.  I haven’t opened up about my nerdiness yet … I mean I think I’ve just got people who are liking me here … if I told them that &*^*^&^%^&%^&%&*^*^&^*(&**)*, then they’d probably run a mile.  🙂  🙂  (Not all what you just read was true … it was just written to hopefully bring a smile to your face).

Morgan, what you’re asking yourself to do (and go through) is, I think, too much for you to deal with on your own.  My initial thought on this is, what if it gets just too much for you to handle and instead of being there and strong for your mum and sister, you break down yourself? 

I know that this is a terrific outlet for posters to let fly their feelings and vent and rage, etc … but with what you’ve potentially got on your plate, I really think this is time for you to get some of your own professional help … because you’re going to need assistance and support with this.  They’ll be also able to suggest and provide you with coping mechanisms for you.

I can totally understand the importance that your mum is placing towards your sister and I also feel so deeply for your family and in particular your sister who is really struggling with this.  I’m pleased to hear that it seems that all the best possible help and treatment is being given to her.  I have my fingers crossed that things will work out ok for her. 

It must be just an incredibly stressful time. And yet again Morgan, your resilience and strength through this troubling time really stands out and speaks volumes for the amazing, supportive, caring kind of person you are … and again, all this at such a tender age.

If you can’t get your mum to take you to a GP, I’m not sure but is there another adult that you might feel comfortable in asking to take you along?  I really think that this is really important for this to happen for you and soon.

And as always Morgan, we look forward to hearing back from you again … and please, post as often as you want too.  We’ll be here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Morgan,

One, yay for more nerds on here. I recognised the Deathly Hallows immediately. It always makes me sad when I think that there won't be anymore movies ( the books were always better). I still reread the books from time to time. I would be in Ravenclaw if I could.

I can't imagine what your family is going through right now. I forward the vote to see a GP but also understand where your mum is coming from. Your sister is in a bad place right now and so are you.

I know about how going through rough patches can make you mature fast. I had some not so ideal teen years. My husband says I am a cranky 60 year old in a 25 year olds body. I like to think of it as a bonus, even if it was hard won and not by choice.

Take Care,

GA

[MorganNicole1121]

Hello

yes I love harry potter more than anything else and I think I always will! I would be gryfindoor all the way haha. 

Today I say down with my oldest sister (not the one with the eating disorder) and she spoke to me  about how she used to self harm in which she's told me before! She felt terrible when she noticed I had been doing it too and she was scared that she gave me the idea not knowing is been doing it for a while then, and she spoke to me and said that she thinks it's time mum took me to put GP to get me on anti-depressants medication which both sisters take and has helped her' and all I said was I've been meaning to for a while but we keep forgetting to make the appointment! So my sister said she will take me  but I'd rather my mum be there with me so my sister said she'll speak to mum and tell her that she needs to book me in to see my doctor about these issues I've been going through!

gpod to hear from someone new also! 🙂 

[geoff]

dear Morgan, just me the old funny dunny, but this let any of us not reply to you.

You are a very intelligent young girl, or should I say young lady, that would be more appropriate, to have experienced at such a young age the rough facts of life.

Down the track you are going to crash unless you are professionally supported, what I am saying is that all of this terrible climax will eventually hit you when you are least expecting, so this is why you really should go and see your GP, I presume that a young lady can go by themselves these days, but you have to honest and explain the whole situation to the GP, there's no point going and talking about the weather, or when I will get my licence, it's these raw facts they really need to know.

We will be here tomorrow or the others will still reply to you today, as my day is coming to a close, but that's another story. Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Morgan,

Good to hear you have a plan for getting to your GP. My mum was working all the time so I did more activities and was closer to my oldest sister. We look so similar and because she is 8 years older than me, she was even mistaken for my mum more than once.

Even when you are going through this really rough time between your sisters and yourself, it is good to have a support network. I hope yo can get an appointment and it goes well.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Morgan

That sounds like a really good result from that chat you had with your sister.

I’m really pleased that you might be getting the professional help that you really do need.

Please keep with us here, as long as you feel ok to do.

Neil