scared-alone-sad-confused

MorganNicole1121 · ‎10-01-2014

I am a 16 year old female at school and I have just recently noticed some changes within myself. I grew up as a happy, loud and bubbly person, but in the past few months I don't really know myself much anymore. Throughout 2013 I have felt so alone and frustrated with life. I have been struggling with my older sister very badly battling Anorexia for the last 2 years and its not improving! just seeing her fading away and slowly dying in front of my eyes is slowly killing me and my family on the inside. Not only that but I have been going through bad bullying at school for the last 3 years (which is why ive finally moved for 2014). I was told how ugly, useless, worthless etc. I was and I lost all of my friends leaving me with only 3 friends at school. I was bullied at my sporting, school and mostly online and I couldn't get away from it. I used to use my home life to get away from all the bullying but having to deal with anorexia nervosa (I think that's how its spelt) at home its like im living in a hell.
I have spoken to my mum once when she noticed that I had been harming myself but im scared to bring up any further advice because I don't want to seem like a freak,

I have been struggling with being happy, I have days when im so happy and just out of the blue within less than an hour sometimes id randomly become depressed and want to sit in my room in the dark under the covers. I an finding it difficult to find my sport (dancing) fun as I just feel so tired and run down that I just don't feel up to it. I don't even feel like getting out of bed some days because I feel so empty in life. my mum is finding it difficult to deal with things at the moment as shes struggling with my sister with her anorexia and shes already said she cant handle me being moody grumpy and rude to her, but to be honest I cant help it sometimes I feel so angry that I could scream and then I just want to cry. and that makes me feel so alone, I don't like talking to anyone about this apart from my bestfriend but I don't like talking to anyone else because it makes me feel like they think im wanting attention or just over reacting.

I have 2 older sisters with depression and my mum has anxiety and depression so I know talking to them would be good but I don't want to seem silly. 😞

the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I do have thoughts about if people would care if I didn't wake up one morning, and if I just disappeared one day because I just hate who I am and everything about myself. 😞

I would just like to know whats happening to me and what do I do 😞

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Mares73 · ‎11-01-2014

Dear MorganNicole I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to respond to you due to technical problems. So I really hope you get this message as you've been in my thoughts the past few days. You are very courageous for reaching out and sharing your story with Beyond Blue. I hope we can support you as much as possible and assist you. No one here will jujdge you and you are free to share your feelings and experiences openly. It sounds like a great idea that you can move out of home this year. Where would you be living-ie in a share house with other students? And will your family be close by? It doesn't sound like they are in a position to support you given they are experiencing their own challenges. And you have experienced so much-living amongst the challenges in your family and then the terrible bullying you experienced at school. No wonder you have low self-esteem, feel bad about yourself, have low confidence, few close friends etc. your self-hate, loneliness & emptiness would surely come from experiencing so much trauma. It must be hard to feel hope and happiness when your feeling alone and isolated and have gone through such traumatic experiences. And it's not as though you have a calm, supportive family to come home too. It sounds like each way you turn there is pain & trauma to deal with. A big, first positive step would be your plan to move out. Following that-do you have a GP you can talk to about what's going on as perhaps a few sessions with a good counsellor during this time would be really helpful. If you don't have a GP or prefer to see a new one-Beyond Blue has a list of GPs all over the place nationally so you could find one on there near you-and these GPs specialise in mental health in the sense they have undertaken training by Beyond Blue. In that sense they would be understanding & help you through this time as well as possibly refer you to a counsellor-and I thin under Medicare you get the first 5 sessions free. I would strongly encourage you to do this. Lastly, if you ever feel like you are getting so low that you are having thoughts of self-harm-Beyond Blue has a 24hr telephone support service and the staff are all trained in mental health. You can also we chat with a counsellor between 4pm-10pm. You will also receive a lot of support on this forum-I think there may have been delays from people responding to you as your message wasn't marked new. Anyway MorganNicole you are an incredibly courageous, insightful, strong young woman who is inspiring. I think you are so strong & brave. You will be in my thoughts & I hope you remain in contact on this forum & that others will reach out to you. Most importantly I hope you find the forum a source of support & assistance. Sending you a big hug, Lve Mary xxx (Mares73)

MorganNicole1121 · ‎12-01-2014

Hi Mary!

it makes me feel less lonely knowing that there are people out there to help me through this and help me feel better, there may have been a bit of a confusion I'm moving schools to complete year 11 & 12 in the hope I can have further focus on my career pathway! I do spend most weekends and whenever I need at my bestfriends house in which I go to school with, as she understands what I'm going through, I do think about what I'd feel if I moved out but as much as I'm feeling so empty I couldn't leave my mum as she is struggling with having 3 daughters and it may help her bit stress her out more if that makes sense!, I just wish I could talk to her and she fully understand how I feel. One time I sat down with her and told her a bit on how I was feeling and she understood at the time and then whenever I have uncontrollable anger that I get she gets angry and says that she can't handle me and have to worry about my other sisters aswell etc. Both my sisters hate on eachother like I don't know why but they both hate everything about each other and they always fight over who's closer to me, I don't know maybe it's hecause I'm the youngest and classified as the 'baby' of the family, I just can't talk to one with out having to tell the other and I talk to the middle sister (the one with the eating disorder) Because she was bullies like me and I tell her personal things and whenever we have an argument she tells mum that she's going to tell her and she uses it as black mail so I don't Really have anyone at home to truly talk to 😞

Neil_1 · ‎12-01-2014

Hi MorganNicole

Mares has provided a great response for you and some really helpful advice.

You've made a huge step by coming on here and outlining your story. That's a massive positive that you've been able to do that. I believe your next step is to follow Mares' advice and try to locate yourself a GP to get the professional help that you need to help combat the symptoms that you're showing.

You've mentioned a couple of things where you said you feel like you could talk to someone but you don't want to seem silly. When someone is talking mental illness absolutely nothing is silly, you are not an attention seeker and you are not a freak. This is as serious and important an illness that there is. Please try to talk to say just one of your sisters and also try your best friend as well. Explain to them how important this is and how it's made you feel. If they are genuine in their care for you, they'll try their best to support you. While at the same time, they may not know how or what to do, just by them being there for you is a great start.

How are you feeling at the moment? It's the illness is making you hate yourself and the other awful feelings you have for yourself.

When you were that happy, loud and bubbly person, do you feel that you were in a different group of friends? Were things different at school or at home?

Just one thing before I send this post off to you ... it makes me so mad when I read about people being bullied at school (and you know, it doesn't stop at school - in some work places it still goes on - perhaps these were the scum who used to bully people at school, and so they continue on their lowlife existences the same way when they turn into adults). I really hope that that part is behind you and that you don't have that to worry about again. Can you please let us know if that is the case?

Please write back as soon as you can, as we are concerned and worried for you.

Kind regards

Neil

MorganNicole1121 · ‎13-01-2014

Hi Neil,

yes I actually spoke to my mum a few nights ago and I said that I think it's time she took me to see somebody, and all she replied with was I thought you've been good recently, and all I really wanted to do was to tell her everything on what in feeling right now but it is quite scary for me. I know that she has to know what's going on but I need to find the right time to tell her.

I only feel silly and like people will think I'm getting attention because that's what people used to say about me at school and I know this because at school a new girl moved to my class and she's friends with the girls that bullied me and the first thing they said to this new girl was 'oh and she's not relevant to the social part of our class, her sister has an eating disorder and she tells everyone how messed up she is and everything just for attention' when that's not true.

I just feel so full of nothing all the time, and I just never have energy anymore like I get a burst of energy for about an hour once a day and then it just turns back to the sad Lonely person that I feel like I am.

Well I was originally in a group with some girls that were so nice to me throughout year 8 and 9. But when year 10 came along (2013) that's whenni started getting depressed and sad and only one or two would ask me how I'm feeling and what's going on with me because they'd noticed changes, but the others are kind of like groupies and the girl that bullies me is very popular so the group of girls I was with were always nice to her so she would like them and because of this the girls were treating me badly and just ignoring me and making fun ofee because they thought it was cool and they were impressing the bully! Because of this I didn't go to school for a whole week once because I couldn't stand it and id always pretend like I was sick other weeks so I didn't have to face them so by term 4 I said to myself that I need to find some genuine friends and I started hanging out with a new group and the other girls made things worse for me. But on the other hand it was okay because my new friends were so polite and they really look after me and help me through all this! 🙂

thanks so much'

getting responses makes me feel like i actually matter 🙂

geoff · ‎13-01-2014

dear MorganNicole, how sad all of this is for, I just can't believe why people want to bully, but as your 16 years of age, I have to be careful on how I show my compassion towards you as it won't pass the filter, but you know it's coming from my heart, just as what Mares and Neil have replied back to you is truly the same.

I want to add to this and I certainly will, but I have to leave at this point of time, but before I go, we really want to listen to you as far too much has been going on, so please stay with us as your post requires much more thought from me. Geoff. x

Neil_1 · ‎13-01-2014

Hi MorganNicole (or is it just Nicole?)

I won’t beat around the bush … you DO matter. You’re thoughtful, you’re caring and you’re sensitive (I too am sensitive … sometimes it sux, but other times it can be a wonderful emotion to have).

You mentioned that you now have a new group of friends and that they seem friendly and polite and do look after you. That is soooo good to hear. That must be a relief to you … bullying at school can make your life so crap and it’s just not fair. Unfortunately though from what you’ve described it sounds like there’s a fair number of them involved. But please, if this does continue this year … is there someone you can go to so as to address it? You know, to report them for what they’re doing to you? Cause I would think that you wouldn’t be the only one that they would target. Anyway, that’s just something I wanted to say in regard to that.

It sounds like your mum has a few issues that she’s having to deal with as well … so yes, for you to talk to her and to find the right time seems like it could be a bit awkward; as is the situation with your sisters. It’s a thing where siblings have their growing up problems and I think more often than not, they find fault with each other and fight. I think that’s part of the inner workings of a family and them growing up. I had my different arguments and occasional blow-ups with my brothers growing up … but when the ages of the siblings turn to be early to say, mid-20’s for some unknown reason, a switch inside the brain is flicked on, and what were once hostile enemies, can at times become really good friends/buddies. I’m not saying this happens every time, but I’ve experienced first hand and I’ve witnessed it on a few other occasions as well. But for the time being, I know this hasn’t helped you out one bit … sorry for that.

Your next major step though is to get yourself off to see a GP. Is there any chance you can do that without your Mum? Otherwise, you’ll just have to sit down with her and explain how important and necessary it is that you are able to do this.

I hope some of the above has helped out … and again, please get back to us to let us know how you’re going?

Kind regards

Neil

MorganNicole1121 · ‎13-01-2014

Hi Neil and Geoff

yes Neil the girls that bully me also bully my bestfriend and a few others but this escalated through me because I became friends with these people so they targeted them aswell! 😞

there was actually an argument this morning that occurred in my house and it was about my sister needing to go to hospital because of her illness, and then she started telling mum that I've apparently been doing all these bad things in which aren't true as I'm not that kind of person. I tried to explain to mum that it's not true and I can swear on that and she just said it's hard to believe sometimes as she always brings it up and then I speak to my sister and she's making it sound like I have done bad things when me myself know what I have and haven't done and it's just frustrating when she tells me she will always have my back but then goes and does that to me when I used to tell her how I felt 😞

today I've been feeling a lot of sadness and I feel very alone today as I feel like I've been ganged up on or something.

Thank you 🙂

MorganNicole1121 · ‎13-01-2014

And sorry it's Morgan, Nicole is my middle name 🙂

Neil_1 · ‎13-01-2014

Hey Morgan

Firstly, can I say that I love the image or photo that you've got attached. It's kinda hard to make out, but it looks pretty cool. "Pretty cool", listen to me, a fella in his late '40's saying 'cool'. Whoops, slight digression.

Morgan, let's you and your sister sit down and talk this over ... why is she telling your mum these things? When she does tell your mum, and then you talk to your mum, have you asked, 'well, where is the evidence of me doing such things? because you know I wouldn't dream of doing something like that'.

I can feel your frustration and it's so not fair ... why is there this need for people (and even worse) siblings to lie against each other? And to do it to your mum, worst of all.

It's not helping you one little bit.

We've still gotta get you to see a GP too.

And oh, please don't get me started with these bullies ... boy I get worked up about this. But I guess it's been happening for years and years and years ... sorry, I shouldn't have even mentioned that.

But please, go see your sister and please ask her why she's saying these things? She can't deny it, because your mum has raised it with you.

Please hang in there Morgan ... and we look forward to hearing back from you and I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a bad day and felt sad and alone.

Hey, can I ask who are some of your favourite bands or singers? Just a little side-light ... cause when you do feel sad and alone, perhaps you could try and listen to some of your fave music?

Cheers

Neil