ROCD :(

[Chatterbox1]

Hi guys,

Nearly 20 year old, in a relationship with an amazing man coming up 6 months. Diagnosed with Anxiety and OCD 3 months ago, had OCD since I was in primary school. Felt doubt for the first time Valentine’s day over money issues, the doubt went away after I wrote down my feelings and spoke to my cousin. A bit later they came back, full force. This includes vomiting in the morning, loss of appetite, panic attacks and constant crying. He broke up with me, he couldn’t handle my doubts, I would’ve done the same, as he had no idea what I was going through. We patched it up after I went to my first psychologist session. I fell in love with him. Constant intrusive thoughts like “You don’t like or love him”, “What if you’re leading him on”, “You just don’t want to break up with him bc you work together”, “What if you’re not meant to be together”. These thoughts killed me inside. A psychic came into work and read me and jokingly I said “Are my partner and I going to be together forever?” and he replied with, “what is it you want?”, a coworker said “that must mean you’re not sure”, and I keep having thoughts about that now. I am currently PMSing, which makes it worse. Past few days I’ve been thinking “What if I don’t want to be with him anymore”, “You’re gonna break up with him” and every time I think that’s a stupid thought, I feel a bit of relief for like 30 seconds then I doubt again! I get good days, where I’m in love and feel it, and I have an amazing time with him, and I obviously get my bad days. This is just so frustrating. I ended up leaving my Psychologist as she made me feel bad about a decision I made, and told me it was irrational and that I shouldn't have done it (it was just getting a tablet with my partner under my name). I also have to touch certain things and do certain things, and if I don't my mind tells me my partner and I will break up. I know I want to be with him, I know this doubt and anxiety can be overcome. I just get so fearful, like what if I'm wrong. My OCD tells me, "what if I'm just convincing myself and lying to him, and to myself?" I don't want that to be the case.

I just want to know that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy. That there’s hope, I don’t want this relationship to go down the trash, we have so much potential together. I want, and during good days, can see a future with this man. Anyone else feel like this too?

Sincerely,

Chatterbox1

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Chatterbox,

Rest assured you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I'd say it's pretty normal for someone suffering from OCD and depression. You said at the beginning of your post that your thoughts went away when you wrote them down and talked to your cousin - if that is something that might help you you could consider doing that again. I'd really urge you to find a psychologist that works for you, you don't have to suffer through this alone. Sometimes one does have to "shop around" so to speak until they find a psychologist they click with. Is there anything you have done in the past to ease your intrusive thoughts that could help you now? I find that writing down a thought diary really helps - asking questions like "Do I absolutely know this thought is true? Is there another thought that is more true than this? What would I say to a friend that was going through the same thing?" Please let me know how you're going over the next few days.

[geoff]

hello Chatterbox, I've had OCD for 57 years and everything you have said in your comment is what happens to anyone suffering from this illness, it's part of how we feel and say to ourselves when OCD is dominating our minds, and please never ever feel as though there is anything absurdly wrong with you, because there isn't.
It's a different way to how other people think to themselves, but then do we agree with how they think, everybody has their own way of coping, so that's something we have to take into consideration.
There is no way you 're crazy and maybe I should say that again just to make you feel comfortable.
'Intrusive thoughts' are what we continually have, thoughts that we hope never happen, and thoughts we can never work out why they come to mind and why should they challenge our thinking, unfortunately they do, but over all my years not one of them has ever come true, and please believe me, some of them have been quite nasty.
I have mentioned this before as it's quite a common topic of discussion, but I always wanted to hurt my dear Mum, who I loved so much until she was admitted into a nursing home, then they suddenly stopped, and never had them again.
Now if I have any I can just dismiss them because they won't come true, if however you talk yourself into going that one step further, then your r/ship will end, but that's not what you want.
That one step further may puzzle you, but it's hassling your b/friend, making him nervous about what you are thinking, then he may decide to leave you, and that's not what you want nor do I.
Let these thoughts flow along, don't question them or get upset over them, it's a habit caused by OCD and please I hope you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Chatterbox,

Welcome to the community here. I see a couple of Comm. Champs have offered you some good advice and encouragement. Continueing to write how you are feeling is very beneficial. I will be getting my journal out later to help me sort out a few issues I have.

I'm sure many people in relationships have doubts and question if they are doing the right thing or not. Throw in some mental health issues and it all becomes a little more confusing.

Have you explained your depression and OCD with your boyfriend? Maybe you could find something you could print out or show him on the computer to help explain how you think.

There is hope and no you are not going crazy.

Staying in a relationship can take a lot of work for both people. We have hopes, dreams, desires, needs to be met, and sometimes those things don't happen for one reason or another. We have to also find happiness and peace within us, not just expect the person we are with to be perfect all of the time to help us through.

Hope that makes sense!

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Chatterbox1]

Thanks for getting back to me!

I am trying to let this OCD spike pass. I've had one like this before, where I questioned everything, questioned whether I want to be with my partner continuously and it hurts bc I love him so much. It gets even worse when we bicker sometimes, I think "bickering isn't normal, should we break up!". We also have 2 holidays coming up, the 2nd one not booked yet (we will be booking in a few weeks, thank god for tax return lol) but I really want to go with him! I keep thinking "what if we're not together by then", even though deep down I know we will be. The thoughts are always kinda there on the back burner, but for a few weeks I'm usually able to just pass them off, like they don't mean much. This week is a bit harder to do so.

Chatterbox

[Chatterbox1]

Thanks for your response Geoff!

I've had similar situations with intrusive thoughts in the past. When I was about 14 I was terrified that I was a lesbian. Now, there is nothing wrong with homosexuals, I just got super scared. It went on for quite a while, and eventually they passed. 

So now I'm not surprised that these thoughts have come to screw up my relationship with my partner, who I love. I get into moods where I'm like nah stuff these thoughts! But for the past week, the clarity hasn't come. I keep thinking, "what if it isn't OCD?" "What if I actually don't want this relationship?" And it makes me so sad.

My boyfriend doesn't actually know I have them now, he thinks they've stopped. I've slipped a few hints like "I still have anxiety" and we spoke the other night and he said "I know you can't help those thoughts". I don't actually tell him about it, they are my thoughts to deal with. I don't need him to have extra stress, and even though he is quite understanding, I know it would hurt him.

Maybe I'm not crazy, but I definitely feel like I am sometimes! Background info: both of my parents have OCD, what a surprise that I got it too! Haha.

Chatterbox

[Chatterbox1]

Thanks for the response Mrs. D!

Just to clarify, I don't have depression! I got tested, and they said I don't. My psychologist said I definitely have Anxiety with OCD. My OCD is a lot worse than my Anxiety at times, even though I know they're connected. Sometimes I can't even walk through my door unless it "feels right!", or if I don't touch a door handle a certain amount of times (never 5 lol) my partner and I will break up!

I've explained it all to him in the past. It got messy at first, so messy. We ended up breaking up for a few days, I lost 3 kg in 5 days and I refused to eat! I was not the one who decided to break up. We thankfully patched it up, and I told him it's best to not talk about it. Sometimes I wanna scream out "I still have these thoughts", but it would do more harm than good, trust me, I know this.

All I want is our relationship to be mental illness free, or at least doubt free. I hate having these thoughts, bc I know he doesn't doubt me, and that makes me feel guilty! Can't I just love him without all of this mess?

Chatterbox

[Doolhof]

Hi Chatterbox,

I'm really sorry to read what you experience in your life. Hopefully be writing here what is going on in your mind, it might somehow help you to understand better what is happening and provide you with a little clarity.

I've never experienced the behaviour you mention so don't fully grasp the extent of how this affects you.

You motioned you have tried to talk about this in the past with your boyfriend but that was not all that beneficial. Hopefully sharing here like I mentioned will help you. Do you have someone else close to you whom you can share your thoughts and feelings with?

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.