Responsibility & Freedom

[pluro]

Hello,

I'm just curious about a few things and confused as to what I should do about them. I've never had any issues with my parents before, and we've never really fought before, but I don't think my relationship with them is very good. We're not close at all, and I tell my parents basically nothing that's going on within my life. I'm trying to fix that part, like telling them about my friends and school stuff, etc.

One of the issues from this however is that I don't really have any responsibility. They don't and have never given me chores my entire life, they don't really put restrictions on many things I do (they let me stay on the internet as long as I want, let me sleep as long as I want, even let me take random days off school, and many other things). They don't let me clean my own room, they just say they'll do it themselves at some point. I don't get bad consequences for anything I do either (usually just a warning to not do it again). I've always thought this was a good thing I guess, but they also never taught me much. I'm only realising this now because many of my peers in my grade have certain skill sets that I lack, and I'm struggling to keep up in school because of it. I'm trying to teach all these things to myself, but I'm struggling a lot. I have no time management skills, it's terrible because I can't get enough stuff done and my grades are suffering because of it. I know how to cook a few things, sew a button, do my laundry, and other things but I learnt all that by myself or from the internet. Thinking about it now, if I didn't have the internet, I'd probably be a brainless blob, so I'm grateful for that.

Something I find really weird though is that they don't let me do many things when it comes to going outside the house. They don't let me walk to school on my own (my school is a kilometre away, very close), they don't let me cook if they're not in the house, they don't let me anywhere outside of my house unless it's school, they're with me, or I'm at a friend's house that they dropped me off to. And they have to know the exact time to be picked up, constantly calling me and stuff like that. I've never found it strange until now, when I hear about my friends getting more freedom in regards to that sort of thing. It can get frustrating.

Is this something I should be worried about? Am I over-exaggerating? Is this an issue I should discuss with my parents or figure out on my own?

My word count's running out sooo...

(thanks if you reply)

[AnxiousS]

Hi!

It can be hard growing up when you want more freedom or responsibility from your parents. I was always pretty lucky (in my opinion) that I had parents who gave me quite a bit of responsibility and freedom, but I knew some kids who had it like I did and hated it, and others like you, who would've loved to have more responsibility and freedom.

I'm not sure how old you are (and therefore what is reasonable to expect your parents to have control over), but my advice would be that the first thing to do is to make a list of the things you'd like to take more responsibility for and where you'd like to have more freedom. This might be that you want to be responsible for cleaning your own room, helping out with dinner a couple of times a week or feeding your pet (if you have one). In terms of freedom, I would suggest starting with small requests - to walk even part of the way to school by yourself, or for you parents to not call you while you're at a friend's house (within reason) if you've already worked out a pick up time. Hopefully if you start with small ideas and they work well, your parents may be more willing to give you freedom.

The next part is actually telling your parents what you want. I know that if you're not close with them, this will be especially hard to do, but they may just not realise how you feel. Explain to them what responsibilities and freedoms you want and why (you can take the list with you if you want), and try to stay calm even if you think they react irrationally. Hopefully showing that you want to take on more responsibilities will help them see you as being more mature than maybe they thought.

On a side note, if you need help with you time management skills (and don't want to talk to your parents), someone at your school will definitely be able to help. Find any teacher you're comfortable with and tell them that you want some help with your time management skills and they'll be more than happy to spend some time with you working out how you can improve your grades. Teachers love it when you go to them about these things - it shows initiative, maturity and that you care about your learning.

Good Luck!

Sarah

[therising]

Hi pluro

You mention a couple of key points - skill sets and management (2 basic requirements for life). With you seeking these out at this point in your life, it says a lot about you and your longing to evolve. Your efforts to self-educate are both impressive and inspiring.

As far as parenting goes...being a mum to 2 teenagers, I try to remain conscious of what I teach my young 'apprentices' in life although one thing I find challenge in involves shaking off some of the things my parents taught me. Yep, I can be a little bit of a helicopter parent myself basically because my mum was one to some degree (she was a little too overprotective and fearful). And my dad...well...he left a lot of the parenting stuff up to my mum. I imagine your own parents' behaviour originates from somewhere. It might pay to pick their brains a little, to find out why they think and behave the way they do.

Pluro, in talking with your parents, you may find 2 things happen: 1) They provide you with the reasons for why they have never given you much responsibility and 2) you begin to help them question their own reasoning. It could end up being a process of growth for all of you. I tell my kids that they are 2 of my greatest teachers in life because they help me remain more conscious. I encourage them to respectfully question me. This allows me to see whether I'm being a reasonable parent/person (whether I'm able to provide good reason for my thoughts and behaviour).

As far as skill set goes, one of the greatest books I've read (encouraging skill development) is 'The six pillars of self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. It's definitely a read which brings about a greater sense of understanding in regard to human behaviour. The 6 pillars: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully and the practice of personal integrity. Of course, any skill set does require practice. Healthy self-esteem requires that we recognise our self as being deserving and capable of managing the things that come our way in life.

Sarah mentioned talking to people at school, regarding time management, which is a great idea. Finding great resources for personal development (such as school and the internet) makes you a resourceful person, a skill in itself.

Take care of your self on your quest of personal growth

[pluro]

Thank you so much! I've actually just spoken to my parents, my mother with not so much luck but my dad has agreed to let me help with stuff around the house more, as well as let me walk to and from school.

I'll definitely try to talk to my mother more, and hopefully get closer to her so she can understand me more, and i can understand her more.

I'll check out the book you mentioned as well, it sounds exactly like something I need to read.

Thank you once again for replying, you sound like an amazing mother.

[pluro]

Thank you! I've spoken and now I have quite a few chores I do to help around the house. It might take me a while to get used to doing more work than usual but it's definitely better than before! I'm still having issues talking with them, especially my mother, but I'm already working on it.

Thank you (again) for such a helpful response.

[therising]

Hi pluro

So glad things are beginning to look up. You definitely sound like a great teacher, for your parents. They may have a bit to unlearn before they can truly appreciate all you have to offer, in regard to new ways of teaching. I am still learning from my kids how to gradually 'leg go' of trying to manage everything, so we can become co-managers and they can acquire life skills. We try to be patient with each other throughout the process. Perhaps it's a mum thing; mums can be a little controlling when it comes to sharing management with their little ones (no matter how big their little ones get).

Thank you for the 'amazing mother' comment, you are beautiful. I must say, it is my children who inspire me to be the mum that I am. It is a blessing and privilege to know them and grow with them.

Take care of your self as you continue to both teach and learn