Please I need desperate help...

[cSmoove]

Bianca my girlfriend said I'm too good for her and it's best that we break up. I love her so much too the moon and back.. She is the one for me and all I want is for her to be happy. For the past month since our fight she has had serious self esteem issues and it shows. When I finish work or when she does I want a hug and a kiss where all she wants is to not really notice me or she just gives a little peck of a kiss and watches the tv without asking how my day was where I did that everyday for her. I try my best to help her and that's all I can do, I just hope that she still has the spark in her heart and can feel happy again. If she breaks up with me I honestly don't want anyone else because I know she is the one. I know it deep deep down she is the one. I look at her, I know her inside and outside! I love everything about her.. Fingers crossed she changes her mind tomorrow after her shift 7am-3pm on a Wednesday. Our Chateau song came on at work while she was Working and she felt like crying so much. She has been thinking so much and I think over thinking everything. What's on her mind is If she doesn't break up with me it will get worse in the future and keep getting back to square one or if she did break up with me she will regret it for the rest of her life.

Her brothers don't want me to go, they want us to be together and they know she gets in weird down moods often and takes it out on others.

She wants us to still be friends and us to be Single for a fair while incase she changes her mind. I'm always going to be there for her, we both said if we break up we are going to be best friends for sure which I loved hearing... But I don't want that I want her to be my girlfriend, my wife, my love and most importantly my world which we both have said that and trusted it upon eachother, crossed our hearts and swore to start a family in future and everything. I would honestly do anything in the world to have her back without her I know I wouldn't find love again because of what has happened to me in the past. If I was only granted one wish in my life it would be to have her be my girlfriend and wife in future forever and in the afterlife.

What is the best thing I can do to get her back or make her feel like wanting me?

[cSmoove]

*She always had serious self esteem issues, she has social anxiety. I always compliment her about how she looks and she goes off at me because she thinks she's ugly.

[geoff]

Hello cSmoove, thanks for posting your comment.

You obviously love her 'to bits' and that's something to be proud of, however, any relationship has to work both ways, sometimes a partner just doesn't want to do what you expect of them.

This may vary from day to day but if she has self-esteem issues and believes she isn't as beautiful as you say, then how she thinks will have to come from within herself, she has to believe this herself and it's a lack of self confidence.

I think there is a lot that she is concealing, not because of you, remember we all have times when we sink into a corner and not reveal our major concerns because our anxiety is too high and it's probably best for her to start talking with her GP, so that's what I would be suggesting to her, and ask if she may think it easier to write down what worries her and then hand it over to her GP.

If she wants some space then perhaps it would be better for her to gather her thoughts by herself, because if you keep on pleading with her, she won't have the time she needs to start to think clearly.

She must know that you love her and by being away from you she will have this in the back of her mind.

Encourage her to get the help she needs, and with the GP she can also contact Reachout and/or Headspace.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[cSmoove]

Hey Geoff

Thanks for responding.

I understand where you're coming from, but this is different. She said that she isn't happy because she Thinks I can find someone else better. She is also unhappy because she thinks I lost love for her and don't love her for who she is. She always thinks negative of everything, I just don't want to lose her.. I told her today it's probably a good idea to not end things quickly but to have a break and see what happens. Give her those moments to think and reconsider either a fresh start or just get back together or end it. I'm the only human in this world that helps her, I compliment her looks all the time and I get told off. Geoff I don't know what to do but I'll do anything to win her back... It's the best thing for her and me. She won't find anyone else and she said that. I told her she doesn't need anyone else, I constantly picked her up from her crippling depression and made her happy until she overthinks and thought that I didn't like her at all. She said she still cares about me and doesn't want me gone from her life. She reckons we are not compatible because apparently I'm too good. It's so unfair.. It's like do I treat you less better for you to love me again or do what? I'm stuck in a hole and she is the one with the rope if she walks out of my life like this I don't reckon I'll find love again because no one in this world understands why I love her so much.

[cSmoove]

Hello Geoff

Thanks a lot for responding.

All I want is for her to be happy, she thinks my thoughts and trys to look at things in my point of view and they are negative, she says that I've always been mean to you and you'll find someone else easily. The thing is that I don't want anyone else, I'm the only person on this planet that helps her, her family doesn't help her but I do. Doesn't that show a sign of that I accept for who she is and I love her so much, I don't want to lose her Geoff. She is the one for me and I know I'm the one for her. She thinks I'm blind and that she's that ugly as she doesn't deserve a boyfriend. From what her ex did to her I have done the best I could to help her. After work I come home and I want a hug and kiss because it's been 13 hours without seeing her and I want to show love and affection. She said she has been feeling like this for 2 months now and she can't picture herself with a boyfriend cause apparently she is bad at it... which I think the complete opposite. I suggested a break from eachother but not break up because that would be a big mistake. She thinks that if we broke up in the next few weeks I won't come back and I told her I will but she doesn't believe me. I'm stuck in a dark deep hole and she is the one with the rope. If she walks away this will definitely effect me for trying to find someone else in the future. The thing is that I don't want anyone else Geoff I just want her and she wants me too she cares about me but she hates herself and feels dead on the inside and I help her but she doesn't listen and how can someone break up when the other person is being so loving, supportive and will do anything to help you. She said she has everything she wanted from a bloke and that's me but now she wants to break up and be Single forever. I bought her a promise ring and she accepted. Now.. It's just a ring. All the memories and moments we have had together I just can't move on, I still love her and she said she knows. I just hope in this little break she will miss me and want me back and thinks it was a mistake trying to break up with me.. well actually break up with me.

[therising]

Hi cSmoove

You sound like such a beautiful loving person. The world would be truly blessed to have more folk like you in it.

I can imagine that the deep love you have for your partner challenges her to love herself, something she seems unable to do. When depression and/or self-esteem issues are present, it can seem almost impossible to find a sense of self-love. Any expressions of value (from others) can be met with the thought 'You are a liar, I am worthless and unlovable'. Sad but true.

I believe a healthy relationship is one where people are able to relate to each other to some degree. Seeing your partner cannot relate to your expressions of love, perhaps she could better relate to expressions of understanding. For example 'I understand, due to circumstances, that you're unable to see yourself as valuable but I see you as valuable and lovable for my own reasons'. Acknowledging the fact that she can't see herself the way you want her to shows compassion and understanding. Wondering if there are any other ways you could relate to each other.

How our brain relates to the world and how it processes things definitely impacts the way we see and live our life. Seeing there are so many complex aspects to depression, sitting down and talking to Bianca might help her make some sense of why she's feeling the way she is. Asking her how she would like to perceive/manage life may trigger the start of some constructive process (touching on the idea of seeking professional guidance). By the way, your love is so well expressed through your desire to help her evolve.

Depression can be a very lonely experience at times, leading to personal isolation. Being able to relate to her sense of loneliness and disconnection may be the thing that draws her closer to you.

Take care of yourself cSmoove

[cSmoove]

Hello therising,

Thanks for replying.

We spoke about our relationship and I told her I'm going to change, she said she wanted to date a man and that I was insecure, the reason why I was insecure was because I was cheated on twice im my past relationships yeah.. it is what it is. So she is giving us one more chance and I don't want to blow it. I truly love her and I know she loved me, I need to somehow get attraction and her love back. If I give her space and wait for her to come to me is that a good idea? We both done a mistake and it was a major one. Within 1 month of our relationship she asked me to move in to her mum's house with her mum and brothers. I accepted and I didn't have hindsight. It turned out she is a independant woman and I founded that out the hard way. She got sick of me and wanted space, right now when she asked for space she said I can go stay at my parents while I work so 4 days, I'm on a 4 day on and 4 day off rotation 12 hours and she wanted me to stay back here on the 4 days off. Does that show a sign that she misses me and has feelings for me? Or should I fully move out to secure our relationship? I honestly don't know, she said she doesn't know what she feels, half wants to keep me and half wants to break up with me. I am kind of feared of losing her, she said if it doesn't work just see me as a stepping stone. But I see her as the ONE. I know it deep down, I had a talk to her parents and they said she has always been moody and doesn't know what she wants a lot of the time which doesn't help. Her parents want us to get back together. One of her other reasons to break up was because I was apparently too good. Yes I'm a gentleman and there's not many out there in my generation at all. I always bought her gifts and always complimenting her. Was that the wrong thing to do?

[therising]

Hi cSmoove

From personal experience, I find that whilst my husband can regularly express his love for me verbally, I can occasionally be feeling a lack of excitement in the relationship. Adding ventures to a relationship (adventuring together) is like food for the soul. If a relationship is exciting and adventurous to varying degrees, this can sometimes be enough to increase interest and fuel attraction. And if the relationship we share with another or others is exciting and adventurous we can come to see our self as exciting and adventurous (a satisfying identity). Am wondering if your partner is perhaps longing for new experiences for you to share together. just a thought.

Take care of yourself

[J___]

Maybe breaking up is the best option (for now). Hear me out.

It sounds to me like she needs some space to sort things out and you are too much for her right now. she still wants you as a friend so maybe, for the time being, you should downgrade. let her sort things out and if she really loves you back (which it sounds like you have a good thing going) she will come back. Geez, that sounds cliche but I think its a good idea.