Overcoming envy, perfectionism and low self-esteem

[GreenGuy]

Hello,

I need some extra wisdom on how to be content with myself. I've talked to my councilor on this issue a few times, read articles (including the inner critic article on this site), watched videos from all sorts of perspectives, but I lack the discipline to change my thinking. All I know is envy is a primal and toxic emotion that I'd like to suppress, since feeding into it leaves me feeling moody, inadequate and despondent. I already know the two big hints: stop comparing yourself, and, be grateful for what you have.

My biggest mistake is often comparing myself to others. I've always had a competitive mindset, usually among my peers. As an example: When I was in school, there was this kid who everyone thought was some amazing rock star (he is don't get me wrong), and being a guitarist myself, my immediate response was, "oh yeah? I can do better!" At that moment I was driven to put on the best gig that school had ever seen, nothing mattered to me, not even my grades, I just wanted my time to shine, which I had, and it remains a highlight of my life.

Yet, I struggle to remain content. I'm always vying for something, and if I don't have it, then my negative instincts start kicking in with it's usual drivel. "You're wasting your life away, no one is going to recognize your talent, everyone thinks you're a tool, why aren't you like this person? You're rubbish! bad-bad-bad!" Or sometimes it's a nasty motivator like, "Look at this person, they don't deserve that success, that should belong to ME!"

I've grown a serious envy towards one artist in particular, and often have fantasies of surpassing them in fame and being the voice of my generation, always afraid that their recognition will forever outshine me, think like the movie Amadeus with Salieri's jealousy towards Mozart. A bit narcissistic I know.

I hate thinking like this. I want to feel joy again, to take pleasure in my hobbies and not compete, no more thinking about what everyone else is doing, and how much they love this other person. I need to stop seeking the validation of a million strangers to compensate for how poorly I think of myself, because despite all the praise I receive, I'm still not happy, I get greedy for more attention! I just want to be content with myself, no more questing for perfection, fame and fortune, which is out of my league anyway, and honestly, materialistic junk won't fill the void. I just want peace of mind.

Sorry for rambling.

[jaz28]

Hi GreenGuy,

Feeling envious and comparing yourself to others is human nature to some extent. We all crave social interaction and success (especially in a capitalistic society) so it is hard to let go when you see someone else living your dreams and possessing your desires. However, I have a couple of points on this.

1. Most of the time what you see is their highlight reel, not necessarily their reality. On social media this is very true, everyone posts the highlights, not the days where they feel envious, sad, and upset themselves, or the times where they don't feel well or feel like they have no one. Just because they look like they are happy and living the dream, doesn't mean they are. What you see is only the tip of the iceberg. The rest is submerged underwater where only they or those close to them get to see. No one has a perfect life. And if they do, good on them. I always remind myself of this when I find myself envious or comparing myself to them. Besides, you never know when people could be envious of what you have. We spend so much time pining for what we don't have, we forget to be grateful for what we do have and what some people wish they had. I am sure you know this, and I agree it is hard to lose sight of.

2. Comparing is pointless. We all do it though. But we are not that person. We started from a different point of privilege and life, we work differently and easier/harder than them, we have different experiences than them, we know less/more people than them etc. Nothing will ever be the same and we will never be on the same level as another individual. We are all different and that is beautiful. So try not to compare (it's hard I know).

Stay grateful and keep speaking to a therapist. But what you feel can be normal.

Jaz.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi GreenGuy

Thank you for your post and reaching out. Good to hear from you and well done on such an honest post. It takes guts to be so honest with yourself, let alone a wider audience.

As Jaz wisely said in her post, your feelings are not so unusual to us all and are shared by many. I am not trying to minimise the importance of your feelings just to merely mention that this sort behaviour happens to us all.

The thing that brings me back to appreciating what I have is the knowledge that some people’s situations are so much worse than mine and I should be really grateful for what I have got. It doesn’t matter whether this happens by watching a movie, or a doco, or reading/hearing someone’s story.
This also motivates me to stop thinking about myself and start to actively work on how to help others.
Helping others and sharing without expecting anything in return can be extremely gratifying.

[chadicha]

Hey, I completely understand how you feel - I used to be extremely competitive too from a young age. I truly believe what worked for me when I started noticing these toxic tendencies starting to overcome me was to really understand the reason why I wanted to do it. Is it coming from a superficial place to be admired and placed above, praised etc. which is external validation or am I doing it for internal fulfilment because I truly love what I'm doing. When you do something out of love, you would do it without the world knowing happily as it reconnects you to a greater sense of purpose, passion and ultimately peace. You don't feel the need for approval when its out of love. The best advice I can give is to completely immerse yourself in what you love and let it restore you again and enliven your desire for it. Learn to truly accept your failures, you don't have to be perfect at it as long as you enjoy it, and by doing this you'll naturally start to see life more differently and value fulfilment rather than external praise. You are so capable of this, its all a process but you'll get there.