I Hate Being Myself and Want to Get Better.

[Comrade34]

I've hated every second of being myself for about 10 years now and it's really starting to snowball and affect me in several different ways in my day to day life.

But I feel too guilty to seek help since many others have it far worse than I do.

It just feels like all the stress, anxiety, depressed thoughts and my self-hatred has been bottling up for years now and I don’t know how much longer I can keep these thoughts repressed, I’m also too scared to speak to my friends and family about my mental health issues.
I don’t want to weird them out since when I am usually around people, I put on a façade of someone who is a happy-go lucky, sometimes smartass, who is in general an optimistic person. The few times I have cracked this façade around other people such as my dad the support from them has been less than optimal and its clear that they want me to go back to the way I ‘normally’ am.

I’m not sure what to do anymore I feel like no one cares about me and no one will ever love me I just want to feel happy or not feel at all anymore.

I used to think that I can still be useful to people which has kind of stopped me from taking any extreme actions against myself but lately that feeling is being eroded away.

Sorry for the rant but any advice you can give me regarding how I’m feeling will be greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Comrade34,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage to do so. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling quite low at the moment, but please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also trying to get in touch with you privately to check in on your well-being. 

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[Enid_33]

Thank you for posting. I can relate to that feeling of not wanting to get help or feeling guilty for feeling a certain way because others have it worse. Eventually I started to look at it as that is my mental illnesses way of tricking me into sticking around, feeding like a virus on these guilt inducing comparisons, so it can get stronger. All that matters is how you are feeling, never that comparison to the events/lives of others. I would imagine those people who see you as the happy go lucky person, if they knew would want you to acknowledge your feelings and get help if you can. Small steps even, it can be very hard to do.

[Adalaide]

Hi Comrade34,

Your feelings about not wanting to ask for help to avoid feeling like a burden are, unfortunately, very common however it is not a rational thought. I think that seeking professional help will be especially helpful for you to be able to differentiate between a rational and irrational thought - especially when it comes to validating your own feelings.

I totally understand not wanting to be a burden on your family but remember that the people who love you want you to be happy and healthy and will want to support you through the process of getting to that point. You could start with sharing a small detail to see if they will be able to help you otherwise you can find someone else to support you.

I hope that this helps!

[chadicha]

Hey Comrade34, how you feel inside is far more important than anyones perception of you, even family and friends. Expectations can be eroding to our own sense of truth, but it is very important to honour this first and foremost. I truly believe if your family/friends understood the magnitude of what you are experiencing, they would not have acted the way they did to you. If they really did understand, they would have been a whole lot more empathetic, compassionate and willing to help. However, this doesn't mean theres something wrong with you; they just don't understand the gravity of your situation most likely because they haven't experienced it. You are loved by your family, but sometimes their reactions might not always be the most supportive due to their own perceptions around mental health, stigma, experiences etc. Please don't let this hinder you from seeking other friends or family members who may be more willing to take this seriously with you, and even professional assistance. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out, and I'm very inspired by your courage of sharing your story on here. Your strong, keep the faith 🙂

[Petal22]

Hi Comrade34,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

You are important! And you deserve the help you need….

Things can get better for you.

I understand that it must feel so difficult for you to be wearing a mask while you are around people but please work on taking the mask off … talk, talk to the ones you love about the way you are really feeling.

I recommend you see your gp and discuss the way you are feeling and how it’s affecting your life.

You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to a psychologist.