Never ending cycle
Ok bit of backstory. 6 months ago my boyfriend of s year and a half broke up with me. The full reasons why elude me but I know I messed up somewhere and hurt him and his family. Prior to this he was my best friend and drying our period of dating his family became my family - I didn’t have a good relationship with mine at the time. And now 6 months on I still feel so awful about it and him. I want to reach out to his family and tell them I’m sorry. I want them in my life again but I can’t do that and I know it’s not healthy especially because my ex and I aren’t as close as we were
My dad and my stepmum are also divorcing so that makes me feel super alone as well and my mum lives in a different city and I was really close to her but due to covid and me moving for University I haven’t gotten to see her a lot.
i feel like I’m stuck in this constant rut of being alone and not having anyone. My friends are sick of hearings bout my heartbreak. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it and my counsellor has been fantastic but I don’t feel like I’m getting better.
my anxiety and depression has always been in a massive cycle and this is the time that I would feel low and to add to that it’s my ex and Is anniversary next week which makes me feel way worse.
i also constantly have troubles in my relationships and always seem to ruin them or make something go wrong and am looking at an ADHD diagnosis at 21 yo. However that’s also hard to admit as it could be a number of things such as BPD as well.
I’m really just sick of feeling constantly hopeless and alone.
Hello Alic, welcome to the site.
When talking with our psych the relationship may be great, in other words, the two of you get on really well, which means you can be open, but this doesn't necessarily mean that all your concerns will be solved straight away, it takes time because being in a session is different than when you are out of it, you have to try and adjust your thinking and use the techniques mentioned and put them into reality, sometimes this isn't easy to do.
As much as you like your partner's family, it may not be good to stay in communication with them, only because snippets of your partner may arise and keep you thinking about him and this may not be possible, so the family may not intentionally contact you for this reason, plus your partner may not allow it, unfortunately.
To diagnose your condition a doctor should be the person to say what you are suffering from, and this is still possible during the lockdown, this can then help you understand why you feel like this.
You can also contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online, as they help people 25 years old or under.
Memories of past anniversaries can hold you from moving on, but at that time they were special, but now and unless you can take them favourably, they only hold you from moving on, I'm sorry.
Thank you for sharing with us.
How do you feel about being honest about this with your counsellor? Have you told her that you don't feel as thought you're feeling better?
It can feel daunting to be honest with your therapist like that, but I think it's really important. Her job is to support you in the best way possible and she will really value your opinion on how you think therapy is going.
It seems you're carrying a lot of weight in your life at the moment, I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling lonely. Dealing with anxiety and depression without a solid support system is never easy. I can imagine that dealing with the divorce of your parents has made you miss the closeness that you felt with your ex's family. I hope you can consider the forums a safe space for you to vent when you feel things getting tough. We will all listen here judgement free and with open arms.
You mentioned that you know it's unhealthy to want his family in your life again, and that relationship had seemingly ended on bad terms.. How would you feel about contacting your ex to reconcile how the relationship ended? Do you believe you need that sense of closure? Do you feel any guilt or regret about your relationship with his family that you think is worth fixing?
Why don't you want to confront your parents about how you've been feeling?
Thanks for reaching out here and i'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Breakups can be tough, especially if you were close to the person's family. I know you might feel guilty for how things turned out, but things happened the way they happened and you did the best you could. It may not be a good idea to reach out to the family, this will only hurt you more. You might not get the response you are looking for, instead focus on yourself and your healing. Talking to a psychologist will definitely help, but it does take time and patience. After a break up it can feel like you are lonely, so surround yourself with people that love you. It is great that you have friends around you, maybe try to go out for walks and catch up with them if you can. Reach out to your father and if you are close to your step mom, then ask her if she would like the relationship to continue, even after the divorce. I know it seems hard at the moment, but things will get better with time. Hope this helps.
thanks for the response. I don’t want to admit I’m failing to anyone especially my parents. Every time I have tried to talk to them they try to fix it and it ends up making me feel worse. And my counsellor is great but I look up to her and all the work we’ve done that I don’t want it to be about my ex again after all the work I put into trying to move past it
im still friends with my ex but we don’t talk about the relationship because as both he and my friends say “it doesn’t help anyone” and it’s just reliving the past rather than moving on. I definitely need that closure from him and from his family but I’ve accepted that I don’t think I will get it without causing more issues.
i really miss the support system I had and lately it’s felt like it’s shrinking and shrinking and that my friends are also beginning to hate me and exclude me (that I have proof of the exclusion but no reason behind it other than my mental health)
another reason I don’t want to confront my parents about it is because they are dealing with their own issues and I don’t want to burden them more.
being in isolation is hard because it has meant a lot of my friends have headed home from uni and my friends back home don’t seem to want anything to do with me.
im in regular contact with my father and biological mother but my stepmum isn’t in contact nor do I want to be in contact due to the way she has treated myself previously and my dad in the present. My dad is also responsible for that treatment previously but he and I are working through that and are healing. Aside from that I have my flatmates and a handful of people here at uni but not the same level of support.
I feel for you so deeply as you find yourself desperate to make better sense of everything.
From what you write, you have a lot to make sense of. It must feel overwhelming. Personally, when I hear people say 'You just gotta get on with things' it does tend to trigger me a little. While this statement offers no management plan, making better sense of things is a solid plan.
You sound like such a feeler. I imagine you feel the highs, the lows and your connections to people rather easily and intensely at times, based on what you say. It's tough being such a feeler, being so sensitive to feeling so much. It's like you can feel your way into a relationship, feel your way through it (or not at times, with some confusion thrown into the mix) but feeling our way out of a close relationship can seem impossible. It can be like 'I had this connection or this channel that so much joy and happiness ran through. How do I manage that channel now? How do I adjust it, gradually tune out of it or shut it off completely, if that's what I need to do? How do I create or switch onto a new one, that involves a completely different interest and set of feelings?' Maybe self development could be a new channel worth creating.
Through a new channel, of self development for example, it has to be 2 way in order to be productive. While putting questions out, there has to be constructive answers or revelations coming back, otherwise it can just feel depressing to some degree. This is what I've found when it comes to my own development. Questioning the info that comes back is also important. For example, you could be diagnosed as having ADHD and BPD and be put on medication that really does help manage things yet the question remains 'How does the medication help me make sense of who I naturally am? Am I someone who's perhaps always had this incredible amount of energy, yet the people around me have always pushed me to suppress it or they've simply not led me to channel it into the right things? Does this type of neglect or misdirection depress me at times? Does no one's desire to better understand me or help me better understand myself really get to me in a number of ways? Am I actually sensitive enough to be able to feel when people are swinging me from a high to a low? Can I feel people swinging me from a low to a high? As a highly energetic person, are the lows actually 'recharging' periods, where I can feel myself running on empty?'
So many questions on such a quest 🙂
first off thank you for your words and support I really needed it. The thing I’m unsure of is how to stay on top of my self development. I can never seem to stay motivated to try and improve myself with regards to creating a new channel or changing that connections I have. It’s something my therapist and I are constantly working on but I don’t seem to be able to stick to it. Any advice