Never ending cycle

[AliC_]

Ok bit of backstory. 6 months ago my boyfriend of s year and a half broke up with me. The full reasons why elude me but I know I messed up somewhere and hurt him and his family. Prior to this he was my best friend and drying our period of dating his family became my family - I didn’t have a good relationship with mine at the time. And now 6 months on I still feel so awful about it and him. I want to reach out to his family and tell them I’m sorry. I want them in my life again but I can’t do that and I know it’s not healthy especially because my ex and I aren’t as close as we were

My dad and my stepmum are also divorcing so that makes me feel super alone as well and my mum lives in a different city and I was really close to her but due to covid and me moving for University I haven’t gotten to see her a lot.

i feel like I’m stuck in this constant rut of being alone and not having anyone. My friends are sick of hearings bout my heartbreak. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it and my counsellor has been fantastic but I don’t feel like I’m getting better.

my anxiety and depression has always been in a massive cycle and this is the time that I would feel low and to add to that it’s my ex and Is anniversary next week which makes me feel way worse.

i also constantly have troubles in my relationships and always seem to ruin them or make something go wrong and am looking at an ADHD diagnosis at 21 yo. However that’s also hard to admit as it could be a number of things such as BPD as well.

I’m really just sick of feeling constantly hopeless and alone.

[therising]

Hi AliC

I hear you. I've lost track of the number of times I've asked 'What's wrong with me, why can't I stick to anything?'. I do have a bit of a rep for this.

Read a brilliant book called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto talks about many of the different aspects of self. I think staying motivated or even becoming motivated depends a lot on which sense of self we're dealing with. While my highly enthusiastic sense of self (who can be a real visionary) and my logical sense of self can start a project, it's not long before my deluded sense of self chimes in. For example, I really need to lose weight and improve my fitness levels. Currently at 90 kilos, I managed to get down to 70 kilos a handful of years back but just can't seem to do it this time. I barely get started (on returning to greater health) when my deluded sense of self starts up. In summary, 'Don't be so hard on yourself. Have some chocolate. You know it makes you feel good. It's your 'go to' for happiness. You want to be happy don't you? We'll start the fitness journey tomorrow'. And there I am, happy, or so I believe until I finish what I'm eating. Cue the enthusiastic sense of self (all sad) and the logical sense of self, 'Well, you've done it again. You're never going to achieve anything at this rate', which is true but kinda depressing at the same time.

I do realise I sound a little like an insane woman, all these voices in my head, but we've all got 'em up there rambling in some way, depending on the circumstances. Whether it's the sage, the victim, the child in us, the perfectionist etc, the challenge is to identify 'who's leading the way'. The delusional emotional eater in me has been largely my 'go to' aspect of self while Melbourne lockdowns have been in play. While having to suppress the adventurer, the restaurant goer, the social self, the seeker of excitement etc, the emotional eater in me has had a field day.

Perhaps the lover in you wants to feel love and express love. Self love's a tough one. Kinda crazy and a little sad when you think about it - it's not often a kid is raised to know how to love themself constructively. As adults, we can't exercise what we haven't been taught. Learning and then practicing the art of self love is key to unlocking more productive aspects of self.

Today, I'll love myself by getting on the treadmill after strategically planning what I'll eat. How about you? How will you love your self today?

[AliC_]

Follow up.

so my friends all dumped me last week because I made that uncomfortable for talking about my MH all the time as well as discussing how I was feeling excluded from things recently after they had been distant. We all had a massive falling out and I basically threw in the towel after two of them took all this up with me in a group chat with just the three of us. I felt hanged up on and hurt so I just left.

now I feel so isolated and lonely. I’ve hung around other friends I know from uni and been trying to move past it but these friends were really important in my life and I hate that I’ve lost them and I know I am partly/ mostly to blame. My other friends don’t know me as well and I don’t know whether I’m at a stage with them where I can be vunerable. I can’t sleep and I just feel so lost.

I had such a great fun time since my last post and then this all went to shit a week and a half ago and it has slowly sent me spirally back into a sad extremely depressed mood

[AliC_]

Oh and they kicked me out of the group chat today. So great times for my self esteem

[therising]

Hi AliC

Just checking in to see how you are. Hoping things are on the improve and you're making progress with your counselor.

🙂

[chadicha]

Hey AliC, at the end of last year I went through a heart-wrenching time during my break-up. very similar to whats happened to you, I messed up, hurt him and the family (definitely not my intention, I didn't think he cared), but it turned into something really big and it left me so shaken, emotionally unstable for many many months after as I felt so much inner-conflicts about the whole situation. It took a big piece of me, I fell into this hole of self-loathing, and thought everyones gonna hate me. I did the same thing you felt too; months later I felt an urge to reach out and say sorry so I did I even sent flowers, and just doing this helped me to forgive myself inside. yes I had issues I had to sort through and heal after maybe just like you do too, but please please understand it is not all you! Your not all to blame, and I fully blamed myself for things which only slowed my healing. Sometimes there is a reason your not with this person, or they may bring out a part of you that isn't the best for either of you which doesn't mean you love or care for them any less but maybe right now is just not the time and that was such a hard pill for me to swallow. Being separated was hard, but it allowed me to really heal and learn to sit with myself more. maybe this break-up is actually a blessing in disguise to learn to be okay with not having someone.

As with your friends, they aren't real friends if they do that to you. I also had this happen to me, "friends" leave me because they just don't like 'bad vibes', but trust me real true friends will sit by your side as your low and be there for you through hard times. I get it may be overwhelming for them to constantly hear you talk about it, but real friends won't abandon you so hurtfully. so don't feel too bad about them leaving you -if anything its making room for more developed, authentic, loving friends in your life which you deserve. This is also probably another blessing in disguise- you see their true colours, but it hurts nonetheless.

Please know there is nothing wrong with you! You are loved, and will be loved by the right people in the future, but a lonely season in life does not define you at all, because it is only a season. Your mental health matters! And you shouldn't feel like you can't open up or be accepted by your friends just for talking about it. Your going to have the most loving, genuine people come into your life and one day you'll look back and be so grateful those old ones are gone.

[AliC_]

On this Saturday night at 1 in the morning when all my flatmates are out partying your words helped me thank you.

At the moment I feel like things are too tense for me to even try to reach out to my ex and I’ve decided to just leave it be. I’ve done what I can. same with my friends I’m just tired of being in the wrong and not knowing how to properly fix it so I’d rather just wait and give myself more time

I’ve tried to find other people I can be around to support me and I’ve been a lot more cautious about what I say and do just in case I do say something. I also saw a psychologist a few weeks ago and did an adhd and mental health assessment to see if I can get a better diagnosis and understanding of why I seem to have ongoing social and mental health issues. Whilst that was a big financial hit I’m hoping in the long run it will be worth it to start treating my health properly. And it might come back as nothing and all in my head but at least I’ll know and I’ll be able to find proper treatment regardless

i haven’t been able to get into my counsellor for a while because she had some health problems and had to postpone our last appointment but I’ll hopefully catch up soon.

tonight I’m sad but hopefully this week will be better

[Isabella_]

Hey there,

I'm really happy to hear that you've made the steps to see a psychologist. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

I think you're coming to a really important realisation within yourself. In dealing with your own mental health struggles and heartbreak, you're also bearing all of the responsibility for your relationships not working out and the conflict with your friends. I hope with time, you come to realise that you're not in the space to make amends, or maybe do the work to understand where you've been in the wrong, and that's completely okay.

People come in and out of your life for so many reasons, it can be a case of "right people, wrong time", vice versa. Look out for yourself by realising you don't deserve friends who intentionally exclude you, and make you feel like it's your fault. You deserve a solid support system that is empathetic, compassionate, understanding, and most importantly mature enough not to hurt your feelings and play mind games. Right now, yourself and your wellbeing should be the most important priority.

It's really great that you've come to terms with leaving things be and not trying to fix everything. You will eventually get there with time when you're in a better place. Be patient with yourself, and try your best to eliminate as much pressure as you can.

I hope you're taking care of yourself ❤️

[chadicha]

I am so inspired by your tenacity and enduring strength in this difficult chapter. Isabella's advice rings very true, you'll find these 'friends' are not worth your tears. You deserve to be showered in unwavering love, attention and true companionship, and it will find you. I believe in you, please keep the faith.

[AliC_]

Now I’ve just got to find new friends I guess. I’m still jealous when I see them on social media but hey that’s life I guess. I’m working through it all and I’m trying to be happy where I am