Over worrying..

MaeM · ‎17-07-2014

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and even before then we were best friends. He is the most loyal person I have ever met to the point where he looks away when an underwear ad comes on TV. But my anxiety just loves to kick in. He knows everything about me including all my thoughts and feelings, we don't hide anything from each other. My depression and anxiety was caused by something that affects my trust towards mostly men and I know that has something to do with it.
Im always worried that he is looking at other girls or doing things that he knows im scared of. And I know he doesn't but I worry anyway! Im too scared to go on his ipod, phone or computer because I feel like im going to come across something. I even get angry and upset when he laughs or makes a dirty joke (Which is rare!). I don't know what to do and I am sick of hearing "It will push him away". He knows why I do it and he understands. I know it can push him away and I cant keep bottling it in because it is soo hard to control my depression when I keep it in. I don't know what to do.

white knight · ‎17-07-2014

Hi Mae, welcome

My ex wife told my best mate once "he looks at other girls" to which my mate replied "start worrying when he doesnt". It was a top answer. All three of my long term partners including my current wife of 3 years (and good mate for 25 years) know I "perv" on other ladies but my loyalty is second to none. And of course I dont make it obvious. My partners also look at other guys. It's natural and healthy.

Worry!!! At 12yo in school I was nicknamed the "worrier" by a teacher. I'd walk around with a big frown worrying about "what ifs". Then in 1987 I had a workplace trauma and attended a occupational therapist. He identified this and took me on a journey of 'realism'. In that he would point out that a lot of my thoughts ar e"unrealistic". Once I knew that I would ask myself daily if my thought was realistic or fantasy. I began to eliminate the unrealistic ones. Now I rarely think of silly thoughts.

You might need professional help here. Your man will love you more for seeking it. I urge you to do so. And you will also be securing your relationship for the future.

Good luck. well done in seeking advice.

MaeM · ‎18-07-2014

Thank you but the problem is he doesn't see people by their looks. He truly believe I am the only "pretty" person he has seen. He always tells me "I only have eyes for you" and I had an anxiety attack tonight because I told him Id rather know that you think other girls are pretty rather than have you lie and he stood by his belief. Is it crazy that I believe him? He has never ever given me any sort of reason not to and I trust him more than anyone. Are there guys like that?

AGrace · ‎19-07-2014

Hi MaeM,

I actually have BPD, so one of the traits I suffer from is fear of real or imagined abandonment. Within this I either don't believe I deserve for my partner to want me enough to stay, or I'm so frightened that my partner will leave me that I'd rather just leave him to avoid getting hurt.

It's tricky to manage, and the hardest part is that none of it actually has anything to do with my partner. My father cheated on my mum 1st when I was 6 and numerous times after that. My first boyfriend committed suicide. My next boyfriend raped me. My most recent ex verbally and emotionally abused me. So my natural impression of men is that in the end they will all hurt me and leave me.

So you can see my partner is innocent in all of this. He loves me, he's devoted to me, and I have to believe that just because many men in my life have hurt me, it doesn't mean that all men are the same. It sounds like you have found a great guy. He loves you, and now you need to love yourself enough to let him. Give yourself time

AGrace

MaeM · ‎19-07-2014

I was molested when I was younger and told they were preparing me for later on in life so when I got to highschool I thought that's what they meant. So when my first boyfriend started coming up with excuses just like the man who molested me I went with it because I thought it was normal.
I have never been able to fit in with many girls. So I hang out with a bunch of nerdy guys (One of which is my boyfriend). The guy that made me do things with him still goes to school with me and tends to stare at me from across the room. Its a scary thought and my boyfriend knows everything that has happened and I suppose that is why I have trust issues and why Im always freaking out.
The hard part is just being able to manage the problem. I still live with the man who molested me but it has been sorted out (To an extent.. The man had PTSD so his own issues were screwing with him at the time. I still find it hard to forgive it him but I know he is truly sorry) and the guy that forced me into many things still goes to school with me. He now has a new girlfriend and everytime I see her I go pale and my heart beats incredibly fast. The horrible thing is I don't think the guy knows he was forcing me into all of it.

MaeM · ‎20-07-2014

Thank you AGrace..
Hardest thing is to try and manage it.