I feel tired and unmotivated all the time. I keep thinking that I'm
worthless and I'll never amount to anything. I spend a lot of time idly
wishing that I was dead, or that I'd never been born. I've been trying
to keep up with university and chores a...
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I feel tired and unmotivated all the time. I keep thinking that I'm
worthless and I'll never amount to anything. I spend a lot of time idly
wishing that I was dead, or that I'd never been born. I've been trying
to keep up with university and chores and a social life, but all I want
to do is sleep or watch TV or surf the internet. Even though I'm tired
all the time, I keep going to bed later than I should, because I hate
the thought of lying awake in bed with nothing to distract me. Every
time I even think about all of my responsibilities, I start panicking
because it all seems so huge and impossible. Every little step along the
way turns into a three-hour hike.It got worse after I broke up with my
boyfriend a couple of months ago - he was the only person I could really
talk to about this sort of thing. The break-up has been really messy -
every time I feel like I'm getting used to it, something else
complicates it and I'm taken back to square one. I feel really lonely
now that I've lost that relationship, but every time someone tries to
reach out to me, I feel like I say the wrong thing.I can't talk to any
of my friends or family about all of this. I know they care, but I don't
think they'd really understand, and I'd just be bringing them down with
me. My parents have their jobs and lives back in my hometown. I have a
few friends from high school who go to university in the same city as me
- I live in a share house with a couple of them - but I'm not really
close enough to any of them to feel comfortable burdening them. I don't
want to be a downer, and I don't think they want to be around a downer,
so I try to act happy when I'm around them. I usually do feel a bit
better after I've been with my friends, but I'm kind of introverted and
I always feel too nervous to initiate any contact, so I don't talk to
them much, with the exception of my roommates. I haven't really made any
new friends at university. I know it's selfish, but I keep thinking that
I'm never going to get another boyfriend at this rate, and then I keep
thinking that I'm going to have to keep being lonely for the rest of my
life, and I can see it stretching out ahead of me and it just seems so
pointless. Especially after having really, genuinely loved someone, who
I honestly believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I
feel like I've lost that, and my future really doesn't make any sense to
me any more. I've given up on having a career that I care about, my
parents will die long before I do, and my brother and my friends will
all develop their own lives and leave me behind. What will I have left
when that happens?I was seeing a therapist in my hometown over the
Christmas holidays, and it helped a bit. I decided to use the
counselling services at my university, but they're swamped with people.
I had one appointment about three weeks ago, and I was due to have
another one today, but the lady I was supposed to see is sick, and they
had to reschedule it for another two weeks time. I understand why they
had to do that, and I'm not upset that they did, but at the same time, I
feel like I can't handle this on my own. Two weeks seems like such a
long time.Sorry for the long, whiny post. I guess I kind of don't know
what to do, and I don't really have anyone I can reach out to in real
life any more, so I decided to throw it into the internet in the hope
that it might help. I've been trying to convince both myself and other
people that I'm fine, but truth be told, I've been feeling kind of
desperate lately. This is something of a last resort.