Hi All, I am a new member to these forums and thought I would write my
story as I am at the point of not knowing where to turn… I am 23 years
old and have suffered anxiety and depression since the age of 14. I
can’t say I have experienced much trauma...
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Hi All, I am a new member to these forums and thought I would write my
story as I am at the point of not knowing where to turn… I am 23 years
old and have suffered anxiety and depression since the age of 14. I
can’t say I have experienced much trauma throughout my life; being
brought up within a loving and supportive family, having a close group
of friends, living a generally normal life. I find it extremely hard to
speak to others about my condition due to this reason as I don’t have
much reason to be depressed. I come across as a confident, bubbly and
caring person. I will admit throughout my high school years I did
participate in a lot of partying and took associated substances during
this time. I have also been a heavy cannabis smoker for around 5 years.
I am naturally an extremely driven person, with perfectionism
characteristics which has helped me succeed in my career being a
Property Manager, winning awards and gaining a reputation within the
community of providing a great service to all of my clients. I was
working for a small property management company with just 2 employees,
being myself and my boss, working from her home based office. She was
amazingly supportive to whom I considered a close friend, even becoming
part of their family. She received tragic news that her 3 year old son
had been diagnosed with cancer which resulted in me having to look after
the business by myself whilst she attended hospital constantly. I guess
looking back this did affect me quite a bit due to the stress and
emotion however at the time I ran on adrenaline as my main focus was to
help her and the company. During this time; I had decided to wean myself
off my antidepressant; as I felt I was a lot better and ready to face
life without medication. For a few months after; I felt fantastic,
finally feeling comfortable in my own skin and genuinely happy within
myself. We then received fantastic news that my boss’s son was
officially in remission and that he would be ok. Things were great in my
life. Until things took an unexpected turn… I started to find even the
smallest tasks were stressing me out, I was unable to cope with client
interaction and took a lot of things to heart. This resulted into
getting major panic attacks, feeling like I couldn’t breath and
constantly falling apart in tears over nothing. With my boss recognising
this; she recommended that I take a week off just to relax and not think
about work. After returning back to work after my break, things did not
improve. In fact they became even worse. My negative thoughts started to
take over; my normal happy persona was diminishing; I started to feel
anxious in social situations and just felt constantly empty. I then
decided to seek help from a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with major
depression with agitation as well as panic disorder and advised that I
need to recommence on another type of antidepressant immediately as well
as an anti-psychotic medication. He stated that I was “unfit for work”
as the side effects would be full on and I needed to be monitored. He
also advised I needed to quit cannabis immediately as this would stop
the medication from working properly. I was absolutely devastated by the
news, being someone who was so used to being in control and independent.
The next couple of months were absolute hell, I was unable to do
anything for myself; to the extent of my parents needing to help me out
of bed, forcing me to eat. Driving was not an option. Luckily my boss
was still extremely supportive and told me to take all the time I needed
to recover. I was in complete isolation for 2 months. After trying a
couple of types of antidepressants; I finally found one that seemed to
have agreed with me. After the 3rd month off work; I was finally ready
to return back to work. I was actually excited to get back to normality
and routine. 2 days before I was supposed to start; I received a call
from my boss. She advised she would need to make my position redundant
as the company was not growing and she couldn’t afford to keep
employees. It was another major blow for me, I was in complete shock. I
had mixed emotions; anger, depression, confusion, self-blame… After a
couple of days of crying; I immediately started looking for a new job in
the same industry which to my surprise; I received 3 job offers within
the week. The role I accepted was in a bigger company with a team of 23.
I tried my hardest to feel excited about it; yet had this “empty”
feeling still lingering. I tried to convince myself this was just
nervousness and things would work out. I ended up lasting 3 days at this
job and quit… After the 2nd day, I witnessed the boss screaming &
swearing at all the employees, the in office banter was insulting and
intimidating, the way they spoke about their clients was disgusting. The
environment definitely didn’t fit and lead me to feel anxious and
unconfident. I then took another role in a smaller company... I lasted 4
days and quit… I took another role after that… I lasted a week and quit.
At the time of starting each role, I tried to be open minded, I
understood that it takes time to adjust to new environments, yet the
constant feeling of anxiety kept returning, I was always running to the
bathroom to be sick due to this panic, sitting in the corner of the
cubicle balling my eyes out. I had absolutely no confidence in myself
and felt these companies were better off with someone that could
actually cope. To make matters harder, my parents have now gone on a
holiday for 2 and half weeks so am sitting here alone at home feeling
like a complete failure. Feeling like my life is going nowhere, I have
no meaning anymore. I have had to double my antidepressants as my psych
believes this is necessary. To add to this; I did the silly mistake of
obtaining more cannabis to try and cope with it all. Yet it made matters
even worse. The feeling was horrible and nothing I had ever experienced
before, making me feel even more depressed, paranoid and completely out
of it. It wasn’t the answer anymore… There is nothing out there that
will help me cope with this. I honestly thought I was on the verge of
recovery at the beginning of the year.. now Im feeling worse than ever.
Ive lost all motivation to do anything, the only escape I feel is when I
am asleep and don’t have to deal with any of it. I don’t want to
socialise with anyone yet at the same time I just want to talk to
someone that understands. It is now 2:30pm, I am still in my pajamas and
haven’t showered.. my thoughts just keep telling me its not worth it…
ive lost my strength and fight.. I keep getting told “just take one day
at a time”… I am so sick of hearing that… time seems to make matters
worse…
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