My experience

SLC · ‎25-03-2014

I will be kind've ambiguous with this in terms of some details. I am still in school currently. Two years ago I saw a dead body. I started to isolate myself from people at that point. I was always a bit shy but this just completely got me. I have slowly been destroying myself. I was losing everyone around me and the main cause was me. A year after this my grandmother died of old age. I had neglected her this whole time so it hit me bad over time. After that I completely isolated myself and lost everyone around me or at least that's how it feels.

I am not close with anyone because of all this but I wish I was. I was filled with self-hate, guilt and doubt over myself. For over a year I sat there finding it more and more difficult to put on this fake smile so people wouldn't know.Everyday the same. Watching everything around me cave ion and the truth was it was all on me. I was and am causing it all. I have dealt with a few other things as well like the way I looked which I do and did hate.

I hate who I am and think about all my actions second guessing myself. It's gotten worse and worse. It has been two years now since seeing the body and well the effect still feels so profound. I sometimes get these racing thoughts. Life honestly feels pointless most of the time. I struggle against that but when you have no friends and no one close then it's hard to find some direction or point in it. I really try not to but when the things you think might make you happy seem like an illusion sometimes it seems worthless. I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone then I could be honest with them and this one girl I tried to reach out to I just disappointed them, let them down and hurt them.

I would describe it in stages. Maybe this sounds familiar. At first I blamed god for it all and I was mad thinking that the world had done me wrong then I slowly stopped and just got mad at myself. Didn't believe in god and don't. I slowly began to go so deep into this that I just cried myself to sleep and then I just stopped caring. Having things said to me everyday didn't help but I didn't care and I just let it all happen. I degraded myself as well because I really didn't care and well it made it all easier to swallow I think. Even now I barely cry but I still do, barely able to perceive what's real and what's not. If you try to convince yourself of something for so long then start to try something else then it gets hard to figure out which is which. I want to type this because I have never really laid it out like this externally. Haven't even told my counsellor which I have started seeing which doesn't really help.

Neil_1 · ‎25-03-2014

Hi there SLC

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and may I say “congrats to you for coming here and then providing your post”. That can take some effort, so well done to you and in those 4 paragraphs you’ve sure packed a lot of punch in there.

I’ve got so much to say that my head is swimming and with what I want to say, I also want to ask questions of you, so I hope you don’t mind. I think I’ll just go for it and see how it comes out.

You’ve mentioned at the end that you have a counsellor (I’m guessing that’s a school counsellor) but that they aren’t of much help. I guess that depends on how much you’ve been telling them, but also for what you’ve described, I honestly think you need the kind of next level up for seeking professional help.

You haven’t mentioned a GP, but this would be something that I’d be suggesting to you strongly – you have a lot of emotional baggage that needs to be worked through and you really do need to seek out the advice/assistance of professionals in this area. If you’re unsure about GP’s, on this website they do have lists of GP’s who are trained in mental health issues and so I hope a search by you will reveal one or more in your local area.

With regard to the pushing away from your own family/friends I would be very surprised if this wasn’t reversible? Firstly though do you feel that you are at a stage where you’d be able/willing to try again with creating some bond/link with a family member/friend? This can have really positive benefits for you – having support at home or with a friend is another big positive step forward.

How are you faring at school? I hope that you’re managing to cope ok with school.

Do you have any hobbies or interests??

I hope that you can get back to us and also hope that I’ve written something above that you have found a possibility for you to investigate.

Kind regards

Neil

Mares73 · ‎25-03-2014

Dear SLC, I sat frozen after reading your story. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life including seeing a dead body and I don't know where to start...for you to experience that so young is horrific & so traumatic. Are you able to just answer yes or no-did you know the person? I'm asking because I know from my experience if anyone found out that I knew the person I would of been grilled over & over & I could barely cope living with the flashbacks & nightmares. It's an eery unreal, experience that you can't explain. I totally understand that you have withdrawn into yourself, avoid others & isolate yourself. I'm going to ask you a big favour-I'm going to ask you to look up the list of GPs on Beyond Blue because they are all trained in mental health & I'm going to ask you to consider going to see the one you find near you & explain you have depression & start trialling antidepressants. I'm also asking you to pick a Pyschologist from the list & tell your GP you'd like Medicare covered visits to the Pyschologist. Nothing you say (other than stating you intend to kill yourself) can be told to ANYONE else, not even the GP. There is a confidentiality clause, anything & everything you tell the Pyschologist cannot be repeated to anyone, no matter who they are. And as I said the only case where the rule changes is if you express intent to harm yourself-that's the only case in which the Pyschologist can repeat what you've said. So knowing that, would you please consider going to one & talking about things? Because this is going to affect your whole life and get worse until you get help to get it out of your system & away from the top surface of your memories. Please try trust me on this-your only in high school-do you want your whole life screwed up because of what you saw 2 years ago? No-you deserve so so much more. You need to take the next step, coming here was great that was step 1, now step 2 is looking up the GP & making an appointment to discuss antidepressants & a Medicare referral to a Pyschologist you find on here. I know it's a big next Step. But I don't want you to be haunted all your life, by an event that's now impacting on your whole life-low confidence, isolation, not liking yourself or having friends, not having anything you enjoy. Please SLC there is so much I wish I had found the courage to face a long time ago. I'm 40 now & I've spent most of my life hurting, no confidence, being isolated-and I could of had such a different life. Please think about this & be great to hear from you when you can. Lve Mares xxx

Avex88 · ‎25-03-2014

Hi,

That was very honest. Sometimes it is too hard to tell anyone who can see you how you feel. An online confession/catharsis can be a good step. You are in a very dark place and it sounds like your all alone in your head. I think Neil1 has provided some very good advice, I think you could really benefit from some more help. What's the harm in trying?

SLC · ‎25-03-2014

I will be seeing a GP in about a week I think so that's done. I am willing to get help yes but it's just hard to stick with I mean even counsellor I sometimes feel like saying to her `I am done with this' and walking out. I am not really coping well at school I am in year 11, 16 yr old by the way and well I miss a lot of days and I never want to go at all. I have this sick feeling every morning before I go(I have anxiety also, my counsellor told me I have signs of depression, low self esteem, anxiety and ptsd.) My grades are bad but that's not really new I am not great but I passed before so I am struggling to manage that. I don't have too many hobbies like I kind've watch a lot of TV series in my room to sort of forget it all like think about that instead of my life.

geoff · ‎26-03-2014

dear SLC, it's good that you have been able to say what has happened, and by the way welcome to this site.

Can I just say how profoundly sorry for you to have to suffer this ordeal, because before I see people now who are in their 'wake', that is before their funeral, I also had to experience someone or identify them from the hospital, but this person had stolen my van, alcohol from the hotel bar and had written the van off, but this was something that stuck in my mind even today, and it was a terrible sight, that had haunted me for a long time, and that was 32 years ago, but also for a long time I have overcome this fear.

Back then I was not having any counselling, and also my wife was in PND, but she didn't have to view his body.

What you should do is ask your GP for a counsellor who specialises in GRIEVE counselling, I know that most counsellors can handle this, but there are ones in particular that only do this type of counselling.

I know that your GP will say that this person also handles those people who need grieve and also to handle PTSD counselling, but because you are 16 years of age you really need specialised counselling.

This is something that I really hope you can stay with us, because it's an awful experience for you. Geoff.

Neil_1 · ‎26-03-2014

Hi SLC

Thank you for getting back to us and it’s really good to hear from you.

That is good news that there is a GP appointment arranged.

I’ll mention this as it’s something I do myself and have mentioned it to a number of people here with regard to upcoming GP or other such appointments. That is to begin to type down say, dot points of things that are of concern for you – the list can be as long or as short as you wish – and I say dot points because you know what they’re all about and then hopefully can expand on them at the appointment. But just sometimes in appointments, your mind can go off for a wander and if it does that, you may not be able to think of all the things that you were wishing to say – so this provides a good kind of back-up system.

With regard to school do you have perhaps one or two friends who you can genuinely call friends? That can sure help if you’re not enjoying school. I don’t want to overstep the mark here, but may I just ask, SLC, you’re not being bullied at school are you? This can have dramatic effects on your school days and also outside of the school as well. I really hope that this is not the case, but if it is, there are steps that can be taken to address this.

TV and watching different series can be a good distraction – although the word good is rather loosely used there I think – as in perhaps it should be termed just a distraction. It can help get the mind of issues but that’s about it; it’s like an avoidance system and so the issues still remain as they’re being ‘unattended’ or ‘untreated’.

As for coping mechanisms I think we should wait to get the information from your GP visit and perhaps to see what comes out of that – with their professional assistance and guidance.

Kind regards

Neil