I'm just sad and in need for someone to talk to.

[Flo]

Hey guys.

I'm 19 this year and I have been depressed since I was 7. Or at least, I remember wanting to kill myself when I was still turning 8 for no apparent reason. Because I have suffered through chronic sadness all my childhood right to this point in my life, I feel like I don't really know  what happiness feels like, no self acceptance, humility etc. After being diagnosed with a chronic disease at the age of 13, this... Chain of dramatic events happened and I feel like it was all because of me, such as:

- my parents broke up due to money and a lot of it was because of my illness. Of course, they don't want to think that way but I always knew I was smart enough to know the money issues, medicine, getting off work, was because of me.

-the family is destroyed

- my dad had a stroke and is now suffering through a rare type of palsy which will take his life in 4-8 years

- mum who is 55 this year has run out of money and is working almost 24/7 to make ends meet 

I just can't shake this feeling of guilt off and it's been killing me for the last 5 years. I've had an amazing psychologist, reliable support network. But I'm 18 now, and as a lonely 14 year old attention seeker, I have run out of sympathy points. I understand that  I'm being a wimp but what is saddening me right now is my dad and  to be honest I just cannot think positively about the future. I feel like he's going to die early because of me. My sister and I won't have him walk us down the isle because of me. No grand children. You know? It's depressing. And because I've had such a depressing mind in the past, I know how easy it is to be sad, think about suicide and actually act upon it. Not saying that I'm planning on it, but I'm dreading that my clinical depression might be coming back. I graduated high school, I'm at uni right now. Have a job. 2 close best friends. I just know that this "chain of dramatic events " is just going to continue from here and I feel like I don't want to continue living if I'm just going to live with constant guilt. What should I do?

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[homer_thompson]

howdy Flo,

stating the obvious here but you sure have had a rough road to travel the last 11 years. no surprise at all you're suffering some emotional strain from it all.

i'm not sure i can offer any worthwhile advice that you're not already aware of.. you've taken the right steps, plugging on with your education, maintaining close friendships and seeing your councillor. posting so openly and honestly here is a good move too, very brave. there are some deeply experienced and sympathetic minds around here to bounce ideas off.

what i would like to do is offer some positive observations, if only to give you a different perspective from the way you're feeling.. you are obviously a very intelligent person, you articulate your feelings and scenario really well. even this is a rare quality, a treasure of your own creation. you are also thoughtful and considerate of your loved ones. despite the pain and regret that talent can cause you, you maintain it and that is heroic. as for feeling blame for a troubled history, i promise you that you were / are not the cause of your family misfortune, we both know you never would've chosen for any of that to happen, life just trips us up sometimes. i can also promise you that your parents don't blame you either.. they supported you through your illness because they both love you so much, you mean more to them than money or a job or a lifestyle. to them, you are the most worthwhile person in their entire lives. i'm betting they are both so proud they have you to love that they never give regret a second thought. if you can grasp how loved you have been and are now, how important and worthwhile you are in the lives of your loved ones, it just may give you a tiny candle to hold while you navigate through your dark places.

Good to meet you flo and good luck. There's always someone here to listen.

[geoff]

dear Flo, I would like to welcome you to this site, and I am sorry that it has been a day or so.

Flo, I like what Homer has replied to you, and this is a sad story.

You have a chronic disease at a young age and whether you still are suffering from it, which I certainly hope not, but you can let us know, but I want to talk about your parents at first.

When a child and it doesn't matter how old or how young you are, the parents go into overdrive, and would do anything at all to help cure this illness, and generally most parents are not well off to be able to cope with the costs, but that doesn't matter, because they will anything and everything so that so that you are better, but parents do argue because one parent wants to handle it their way while the other parent believes that their way is much better, so a common ground has to be accepted by both of them.

I am just wondering whether your parents had their problems back when you were only 8 years old, which in turn made you very unhappy in your life, and to add to this your chronic illness developed, so yes it must have been a terrible time for you.

For your dad to have a stroke is not your fault, because he must have been very unhappy, but he was still very caring for you, and there probably was a lot of other problems in his life that you didn't know about, so that's why you can't blame yourself, because parents hardly ever tell their children what is worrying them.

I can understand that 'sympathy points' can run their course with 'friends', because they become tired of hearing it all the time, but someone who loves you there are NO sympathy points, because it never happens this way, as everyday they listen and hear how much you are suffering.

An example with me as a parent, was that I was running a hotel working 6 days a week, and my wife was suffering from PND, but my 2 sons only aged 3 and 4 kept on asking me every time I saw them,' why is  mummy was so unhappy', so I did my best to communicate with them so they could understand in their own little way.

Your constant guilt or PTSD has to be something that your psychologist should be able to handle, but I'm not sure whether you are still seeing him/her, but with this it can't be overcome by yourself, as my new psychologist said that I was suffering on two occasions from PTSD, which he says is at the back of my mind all the time, and that I don't realise that I have it, but yes after talking with him I probably am.

So your PTSD is well and truly been engraved into yourself, so you do need help from a psychologist if you are presently seeing one.

You have gone through school and currently at uni, and do have a job, which is a great effort, but also carrying this PTSD, just like I am doing things, but it's a scary problem that you and myself have to overcome, or do we leave it there in the background to always haunt us, not all the time but every now and then.

There are other points I would like to talk about, but firstly here you will have many true friends, wonderful people who care and want to let you know that all of us understand what you are going through.

We have all had different types of depression but it boils down to the fact that once you have had one type, then you can relate to someone else. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Flo

Let me add my welcome to Geoff's.  Please talk to us as often as you need.

I agree with both Geoff and Homer.  I was deeply depressed and tried to take my own life, but I found it almost impossible to tell my children how I felt and why I wanted out of this life.  I'm still not sure how much they understand about it all.  Parents feel they should protect their children from everything that is painful and this is why I could not explain to my children, even though they are adults.  So imagine how much more your parents wanted to protect you when you were a child.

Then add your illness to the equation and they become even more protective.  As Geoff said, did you choose to become ill?  Of course not.  Your parents could have chosen not to care for you but because they love you they felt that this was not an  option.  Accept the love they gave you as the gift it truly is. 

Life is unfair, unfortunately.  A comment that always makes laugh, even though it is a bit sad is "The rain falls equally on the just and the unjust, but mainly on the just because the unjust have stolen the just's umbrella."

The doctor may have given you father a poor prognosis, but this does not always work out that way.  A friend of mine was diagnosed with a brain tumour 20 years ago and given three years to live. She is still alive and kicking. 

The point I want to make is that we do not know what the future holds so try and make the best of where you are at the moment.  Yes, I know it's easy to say and difficult to do.  Guilt and remorse are the hardest emotions to manage.  In your case though it seems to me that you have no reason to feel guilty.  Your parents chose their way of life and you cannot possibly be the cause of their troubles.

You obviously love them and they love you and your sister.  If you asked them if it was your fault I imagine they would be horrified to know you had been carrying this burden.  Why not talk to your psychologist about whether or not it would be a good idea to discuss this with your parents?  You never know what may come out of it.

Keep writing.

White Rose