Can somebody please give me some advice

[toby91]

Hi,

I'm a 22 year old male engineering student living in Sydney and am seeking some advice as to what I should do about my own suspected depression. My father died by suicide while i was 9 years old leaving my mother, 7yo sister and myself behind. This was a massive shock to the family and at that age I had never heard of the word depression or even known that my father was sick. Me and my mother have never really sat down and discussed how bad dad's depression was so I feel a little disconnected from my mother in that respect. I also feel like i should be strong enough to cope with this and not bounden my mother with the worry of it all even though she regular asks if I'm ok as if she suspects I'm not doing well. Throughout my life I have always noticed that I tend to grab onto father figures, such as my fathers friends in my teens or for instance my honours supervisor at this point and the only explanation I have for this is that I never had one growing up.

Over my 4 years at uni I've had extreme ups and lows, although I'm unsure whether depression is the cause or not or rather the general battles of life that everyone experiences. I've managed extremely well to pass all of my courses and am currently completing my honours, however I have an addictive personality that I think can probably be linked back to my father (my father smoked, only giving up due to health scares and compulsively chewed his nails much the same as me and my sister who have tried to give up both multiple times) Its very much an anxious thing that triggers me to smoke or pick my nails . Since moving out of home I have become a cigarette also smoke cannabis usually daily (for the last 2 years) to do away with the constant thoughts that occupy my mind. At the moment I've recognised that its a problem and have limited myself to only smoking late at night and no longer during the day. Previously while i was at uni I was able to get away with not attending class, smoking at home all day and passing my engineering classes from home. Now that I'm doing my honours research and looking for a full-time graduate position I am no longer able to get away with this. 

I have just come out of a 2 year relationship with a girl who was also heavily depressed during the time I knew her. She managed to get her life back on track through the help and support of friends, and was regular taking antidepressants at the time we broke up. Over the last 4 years i have gradually lost my interest in my hobbies. I used to pay drums every day, have a hit of tennis or squash here and there, make web-sites when i was bored. Now days all i want to do it sleep in to 12 o'clock so that I don't have to think about the day ahead, my ex, how my thesis will be finished on time, how I'm going to find a good graduate position with a final mark of 65 or the loneliness that is to come. I think the main problem is that there are a number of things stacking up which are making it particularly bad for me at the moment. I am unable to go to sleep at night (only with the aid of cannabis) and I'm currently sitting here at 5am in the morning writing this  after not being able to get to sleep. My mind is constantly thinking about my ex, friends that I've lost contact with over the course of my relationship, and general hopelessness in all senses. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to catch up with my friends and go out again but most of them are now in the same position of having finished work and having full-time jobs. Previous to this I was going out with my girlfriend on a regular basis. 

It wasn't until my best friend and roommate came out of his own 3 year relationship and was diagnosed with depression that we sat down and talked about it. He has very similar habits to me in terms of smoking cannabis, cigarettes and day to day activities and is convinced that I have it and should go see a psychiatrist. One other thing I've noticed lately is that I get extremely anxious when dealing with people who may judge me or have an impact on the outcome of my future (for instance my honours supervisor). My heart rate increases, I begin to sweat and I have trouble thinking clearly. This is definitely a confidence issue as i know if Im prepared and haven't stayed up all night and putting my work off during the day then i feel much more confident talking to him. 

I just feel like I'm lacking motivation to do anything in all aspects of my life at the moment. I feel extremely guilty about my honours research (even though I enjoy the field of study) and always feel like I have never done enough or its not good enough. I am somewhat a perfectionist in my work and this can sometimes be determinetal to me I believe. For the last week and half since i broke up with my ex I haven't been able to touch my uni work again and feel bad about not having work ready to submit. Its been a struggle to get myself motivated to complete my uni work at any point however. Anyway I've run out of chars. Thx Toby

[JessF]

Hello toby, I think it might be a good idea to see your GP before this anxiety problem gets any worse. Cannabis may seem like a good short term solution for relaxing you and helping you sleep, but like alcohol it is a depressant and will end up magnifying your negative feelings, paranoia, anxiety and sadness.  It can be difficult to tell whether its life circumstances that are making us depressed or the other way around, but at the very least it sounds like you need some support to talk about what you're going through, and also the effect that losing your father so tragically at a young age has done to you.  It's not uncommon to have an intense fear of abandonment and want everything to be perfect when our relationships with family have been disrupted when young, sometimes we don't even realise that that is the original cause of behaviour and feelings that have built up over years. It's time to start talking to break down your feelings and thoughts.